Skyscraper
by BethandLiaGA
Summary: Meredith and Derek and their family have the fight of their lives ahead of them...
1. Chapter 1

Eight years of marriage had flown by. It seemed like just yesterday that Derek was exchanging vows with the woman who he had fallen in love with instantly one night while sitting in a bar. Eight years had brought them a lot of ups and downs and there had been plenty of arguments and fighting but at the end of the day, all that mattered was them. And now their family.

They had agreed that they would start a family right away. It wasn't long before their son, Hunter Cole Shepherd, was born and they learned what it was like to try to balance their marriage and having a family. There had been plenty of sleepless nights, midnight feedings and dirty diapers but now their son was seven and he was growing up so quickly right in front of their eyes. It was great to watch him learn new things and come home from school each day and tell them the exciting things that had happened. But what brought them the most joy was to watch him with his sisters. It was a couple of years after having Hunter when they had decided to try for another baby and had ended up welcoming a little girl, Ava Sophia, into their family. She looked just like Meredith and was full of life and enthusiasm all the time. Derek loved to sit and watch Ava play with her brother and watch as she grew and looked more and more like her mother each day.

When Ava was three, they had decided to try for another baby to complete their family but it hadn't been that easy. It had been rough trying to get pregnant and there were plenty of nights when Derek sat up worrying that something was wrong with one of them. After a year of failed attempts to get Meredith pregnant, they had looked into adoption and ended up with Zola Grey Shepherd, a baby girlfrom Malawi who was in Seattle for surgery. The moment they had met her, they had fallen in love with her and knew that she would be the perfect addition to their family. It was a crazy life sometimes with three kids under the age of ten running around the house but Derek wouldn't have had it any other way. The sounds of little foot steps coming down the hall was music to his ears and having his children to come home to after work was what kept him going day after day, even when things got rough.

Meredith was an amazing mother and had adapted to it right away. She had always expressed concerns about not being a good enough parent, but the second they had placed Hunter into her arms on a Saturday morning, she took to it right away. It wasn't always easy with their busy work schedules at the hospital and the kids schedules of school, soccer practice and dance class but they made it work. And it was mornings like this, when Derek woke up with his wife wrapped in his arms and a quiet house where he knew his kids were sound asleep that made him the happiest.

"I never want to get out of bed." Meredith giggled, rolling on top of him.

"Hmm...let's just stay here all day...call the babysitter to come get the kids." Derek laughed, kissing his wife and running his hands down her bare back.

"We can't...first day of school. Ava is going to kindergarten." Meredith pouted her lips.

"And I have surgery."

"But you're not going in to the hospital until after we pick Ava up from school right? We told her we would pick her up on her first day."

"Surgery isn't until three." He smiled.

"Perfect." Meredith ran her hands over his chest.

"Hunter said he wanted to go visit her and make sure she's okay." Derek laughed softly.

"He's just like his Dad." Meredith leaned over, kissing her husband.

"Hmm..."

"I wish we had more time..."

"We have a half hour." He smirked.

"Oh?" She paused, before pressing soft kisses down his chest.

"Mmhmm." Derek smiled.

"Interesting..."

"Maybe even forty five minutes."

"Gives us time to work on that project...we've been trying to work on." His wife winked, lifting her head.

"I think that's plenty of time." Derek smiled, running his hands along her arms.

"Even though we tried three times yesterday..."

"One more time can't hurt anything."

"Well then..." Meredith stopped, her head flying up when she thought she heard movement on the baby monitor. "Wait...did Zola make a noise?"

"I didn't hear anything." Derek looked over at the monitor.

"You sure?" She asked as Derek flipped her onto her back.

"Positive."

"Okay..."

"I wouldn't ignore our daughter." He whispered, starting to kiss down her neck.

"I...oh..."

"Mmm..."

"Derek..." She moaned as his hands wandered.

"I like this project..." He whispered, sliding his hand in between her legs.

"I...stopped taking my pills." She moaned, her hand moving over his.

"Oh..."

"Pulled the goalie...:

"Yeah..."

"Mommy! Daddy!" Meredith and Derek suddenly heard their door slam open.

"Derek!" Meredith gasped, quickly pulling the sheet to her chest.

"Ava...what did we tell you about knocking?" Derek groaned.

"But I'm goin' to big girl school today!" Ava giggled as Meredith ran quickly to the bathroom with the sheet wrapped around her chest as Derek stood in his boxers.

"I know pumpkin."

"And I'm gonna be in Kindergarten!"

"Yeah?" Derek lifted her up and sat her on the bed.

"Uh huh and Mommy helped me pick out my outfit...she said I had to look pretty for my first day!"

"You always look pretty."

"I know Daddy..." His little girl giggled.

"You have to knock next time okay?"

"Okay." She shrugged as Meredith walked out of the bathroom with a robe tied around her waist.

"Ava...I think you're excited." Meredith giggled, sitting on the bed next to her little girl.

"I have to put my dress on soon." Ava grinned.

"And when you come home we will get you whatever you want for lunch." Meredith pulled her daughter onto her lap.

"Chicken nuggets?" Her eyes lit up.

"If thats what you want."

"Ava is your brother awake?" Derek asked.

"Nope." Ava rubbed her hands together than began to giggle.

"What?"

"I'm so excited."

"You're going to make lots of friends." Derek smiled, pulling a pair of sweatpants out of his dresser.

"Can we go right now?" Ava asked.

"No..it's way too early."

"Is Zola going to school?" Ava asked. Hunter and Ava had taken so quickly to Zola and now they wanted her apart of everything.

"She's too young to go to school." Derek chuckled.

"Will she stay with Miss. Holly when you guys go to work?" Ava asked.

"She's going to stay with Mommy today." He replied.

"And she and I are going to try and clean,...although Zola isn't too good at cleaning." Meredith giggled.

"Do I get to come home and play with Zola?" Ava jumped off the bed.

"You do!" Meredith replied.

"Yay!"

"Morning." Their son said dryly as he stood in the door way and rubbed his eyes.

"Good morning bud." Derek smiled.

"Ava is really loud." He complained.

"It's the first day of school Hunter!" Ava clapped.

"I know." Hunter sighed. "I was sleeping."

"Sorry bud." Meredith rubbed his head.

"I'm going to get Zola." Derek kissed the top of Ava's head.

"Alright." Meredith winked at him.

"What's for breakfast, Mom?" Hunter asked.

"Daddy is makin' pancakes...he told me last night!" Ava said as she started to jump on the bed.

"Ava...settle down." Meredith pulled on her little girl's hand.

"You know, you don't get recess in kindergarten."

"You get play time." Ava grinned. She was a morning person like her father. Hunter was more like his mother in the morning.

"Ba!" They heard Zola shout as Derek brought her in.

"She was wide awake, just standing up in the crib." Derek laughed.

"You're such a good baby!" Meredith grinned, lifting Zola into her arms.

"Morning Zo!" Hunter waved.

"Daddy!" Ava shouted.

"What honey?"

"When can Zola go to tumbling and ballet with me?"

"Not for awhile. She has to get bigger." He answered.

"I was looking...they have baby tumbling but I would have to go with her." Meredith explained to her husband. "I'll have to see when I can rework some of my Monday morning schedules."

"She can come with me!" Ava jumped up and down.

"What are we going to do with this girl?" Meredith giggled.

"Give her some breakfast so she'll have even more energy?" Derek laughed.

"Perfect." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Who's ready for pancakes?"

"I am!" Hunter jumped in his Yankees pajamas.

"Me too!" Ava shouted, jumping into Derek's arms.

"First one downstairs gets an extra pancake!" Derek laughed.

"I'm gonna win!" Hunter took off as Ava jumped down and ran after him.

"Hey Der..."

"Yeah?"

"I told Hunter you would use the Star Wars molds yesterday so use them but Ava will freak out if she thinks she got a boys one so make her Chewbaca and tell her its a hairy puppy." Meredith bounced Zola on her leg.

"Got it." Derek laughed.

"Zola and I will be down in a minute...she needs a diaper change."

"Okay." He smiled, kissing Meredith quickly and then Zola's cheek.

"Have fun." She giggled.

"We will." Derek grinned, leaving their bedroom to go make pancakes for the kids and make a bottle for Zola. Being interrupted was something Derek was used to by now, having three kids. But it didn't matter when he saw the smiling face of his daughter who couldn't wait to go to her first day of the school and the rest of his kids who brought so much joy to him and Meredith.

_My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,_  
><em> Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,<em>  
><em> You never need to carry more than you can hold<em>


	2. Chapter 2

"Hunter focus." Meredith laughed as she sat at the table helping Hunter with his Social Studies homework. Her son would rather be playing with his toys then sitting and studying about the pioneers. She laughed when he rolled his eyes then returned to work. He was a great kid and they had always been so lucky to have him. All the kids were great and Meredith loved her family. "Ava how is coloring?"

"I don't know what color to use for the princess dress." Ava sighed, lying on the living room with her coloring books and crayons.

"What about blue or pink?" Meredith suggested, reaching for her bottle of water. Ava had come home from school today and taken a nap. It was rare she slept for long but today school had worn her little girl out. She had managed to sneak into Ava's room and cuddle with her while Zola slept for her after lunch nap. Now, Zola was taking her second nap of the day and she used this time to help her

other children.

"No..."

"What about yellow?" Meredith asked, looking over at Hunter's paper. "Ohio needs a big O not a little one."

"Can you read this?" Hunter pushed his homework over to Meredith.

"Hunter it says you need to find the names of our founding fathers and the thirteen original colonies in the word search."

"I don't want to." He groaned.

"Mommy?"

"What Pumpkin?" Meredith looked up at Ava who was now next to her.

"Can I take another nap?" Ava asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Another one?" Meredith frowned, lifting Ava onto her lap. "Do you feel okay?"

"I'm sleepy."

"Ava you won't be able to sleep tonight if you take a nap now." Meredith replied, running her hand over her daughter's hair.

"Okay." Ava sighed, rubbing her eyes again and resting her had on Meredith's shoulder.

"This means you're growing Ava...when you get extra sleepy it means your little body wants to grow." Meredith kissed her daughter's head before turning to Hunter. "Focus Bud."

"When's Daddy going to be home?" Hunter asked, putting down his pencil. "I'm hungry."

"Any minute." Meredith replied.

"Can I finish later?"

"When Daddy gets home you can take a break." Meredith stood, with Ava on her hip. "Do you want down?"

"No." Ava whispered.

"Why are you so sleepy?"

"I dunno..."

"Well then..." Meredith stopped hearing the front door open. "Daddy's home Ava!"

"Hey guys..." Derek smiled, coming into the living room a few seconds later.

"Hi Daddy." Ava yawned.

"Hey you." Meredith tilt her head up as she kissed him.

"Hey." Derek smiled against her lips.

"Eww!" Hunter gasped.

"Hi Princess." Derek laughed, kissing Ava's cheek.

"Hi Daddy." Ava kept her head on Meredith's shoulder.

"What's wrong?" He frowned, looking at Ava and then back at Meredith.

"She's really tired...she just asked to take another nap." Meredith replied. "Which reminds me if you go upstairs be quiet because it was hard to get Zola to go to sleep."

"Okay." Derek said, taking Ava from Meredith and patting Hunter on the head. "Hey buddy."

"Hi Dad!" Hunter replied, closing his school book.

"You have to come back and finish after dinner." Meredith laughed.

"I'll help you after dinner, okay?" Derek promised.

"Thanks Dad." Hunter ran off towards his toys.

"How was your surgery?" Meredith asked.

"It went smoothly."

"That's great."

"Ava, are you hungry?" Derek asked, rubbing her back.

"No." Ava shook her head. "Ice cream."

"You can't have ice cream unless you eat dinner."

"No." Ava whined.

"Is she okay?" Derek mouthed to Meredith.

"I think so." Meredith mouthed right back.

"How about we have macaroni and cheese, Aves?"

"No!"

"Feel her head." Meredith suggested.

"She feels okay to me..." Derek put his hand on Ava's forehead.

"I really think it's a growth spurt."

"What about fish sticks?" Derek suggested, as Hunter ran past them with a toy truck.

"I wanna go to sleep." Ava shouted.

"You know what...just let her lay on the couch." Meredith rolled her eyes. "She's cranky...she wants to sleep so let's just let her sleep and...I'm sure she'll be up all night."

"No ice cream unless you eat dinner." Derek sighed, putting Ava down.

"Daddy..." Ava began to pout.

"You know the rules."

"Fine." Ava walked away, not even fighting him as she walked to the couch.

"Maybe she's coming down with something." Derek sighed.

"Probably." Meredith walked over to the cabinets. "She's taken a nap every day this week."

"How was your day?" Derek asked, starting to take things out for dinner.

"I ran labs all day." Meredith hopped up on the counter.

"Like being an intern again." He chuckled.

"Exactly!"

"Macaroni and cheese for the kids and steak for us?"

"Perfect...and baby cereal for Zola...with juice."

"Is dinner almost ready?" Hunter asked, walking into the kitchen.

"It won't be long." Derek smiled, putting on a pot of water to boil for the macaroni and taking the steaks from the fridge.

"Hunter...tell Dad where you think he should take us." Meredith giggled.

"Florida." Hunter grinned.

"Our son has the right idea." Meredith replied.

"Maybe for winter vacation." Derek laughed.

"Yes!" Hunter jumped in the air before taking off out of the room.

"That might not be a bad idea." Derek shrugged, tossing the steaks onto the stove top grill.

"I agree." Meredith grinned. "We can get Zo one of those baby bikinis."

"Maybe my mom could meet us there."

"Ooh...and maybe we could have a night alone." Meredith added.

"A night alone? What is that?"

"Be nice...you're not neglected at all on the Sex front."

"I'm not complaining." Derek laughed, kissing her quickly.

"I...she's really asleep." Meredith looked over into the other room with the long couch.

"Has she been like that all afternoon?"

"She slept for four hours after lunch and she barely ate her soup."

"Hmm..." He frowned, pouring the noodles into the boiling water.

"She hasn't been a good eater lately."

"She's probably going through a picky phase."

"I don't know where she gets it." Meredith laughed.

"Once everyone else is eating she'll want some too."

"Probably."

"I have a patient tomorrow that I want your help with."

"Oh?"

"Forty two year old with chronic headaches and dizziness but nothing showed when he visited his regular doctor." Derek explained as he cooked their food.

"Did they do an MRI?"

"It's being sent over."

"Well as long as I'm not home with a sick little girl."

"She'll be fine."

"Oh...I need to go get Zola."

"Once you bring her down dinner will be ready." He smiled.

"I'll pour us some wine when I get back down."

"Sounds great."

"Kiss..." Meredith jumped off the counter.

"Kiss." Derek smiled against her lips. "Mmm..."

"I'll be back." Meredith smacked his ass before she left the room, passing by her sweet daughter. Meredith felt bad because chances were that Ava had a virus and now it would probably make its way through the house. She knew to prepare herself to deal with sick kids for a few days. She could do it and unlike her mother, she planned on taking care of her children when they didn't feel their very best. Ava wasn't hungry and if she didn't eat dinner, Meredith contemplated sneaking her some ice cream in bed. Surely that would cheer her little girl up and have her feeling good as new.

_Just Another Day In Paradise..._


	3. Chapter 3

Having three young kids didn't make it easy for Derek to have alone time with his wife. Their sex life certainly wasn't lacking but it was usually a quickie in the hallway closet, in the morning before the kids woke up or at night after they'd gone to bed. And today was no different. Just when Derek thought he finally had some time alone with his wife, Hunter had knocked on their bedroom door and told them he had forgotten to finish part of his homework. So instead of finishing what they started, they had gone off to work like usual and Derek couldn't wait until he could find his wife and pull her away for a moment alone. When he saw her walking down the hall in his direction after finishing up with a patient, he quickly grabbed her arm and pulled her into the nearest on-call room, quickly locking the door. "Finally...we're alone."

"Derek!" She gasped, wrapping her arms around him.

"I've been so horny since this morning." He laughed, kissing his wife.

"Oh me too..." She pulled her top over her head.

"I don't have anywhere to be for two hours." He pulled his scrub top off and tossed it to the side.

"Good." Meredith pushed his pants down, noticing that he almost instantly grew hard.

"Thank goodness we work in the same place." He put his lips on her neck.

"Oh...shit."

"Mmm..." He moaned, pulling her down on the small bed

"I took one of those test things in OB...I'm ovulating."

"Yeah?"

"Uh huh."

"Then we better get going." He laughed.

"Yeah..." Meredith ran her hands over her breasts.

"You really want this?" Derek whispered.

"Yes..."

"Me too."

"Derek..."

"Hmm?"

"I need you."

"You got me." He breathed, kissing her hard.

"Oh!" She moaned, her body arching against him as he pushed himself into her.

"Fuck..."

"Oh my god..." Meredith pushed on his shoulders as she bucked her hips against his.

"Oh...Mer..." Derek moaned, running his hands down her body.

"Fuck...harder..."

"Mmm...oh..."

"Derek..." Meredith moved her hips against him, feeling him deep inside of her.

"Meredith..." He groaned, grabbing her ass as he pushed himself as hard as he could into her.

"Oh...shit...oh..." Meredith wrapped her legs around his waist.

"Yes..."

"Shh..." She giggled, kissing him hard.

""Oh..."

"My...oh my...Derek!" Meredith moaned, playing with the curls on the back of his neck.

"I'm...oh fuck!" Derek gasped, slamming himself into her one last time. "Oh..."

"Derek...oh..." Meredith felt him spill into her. Her body began to shake and she fell against the bed.

"I..."

"Oh my..." Meredith ran her hands over her hair.

"We're...good at that."

"And people said our sex life would die when we had kids."

"They obviously don't know us very well."

"And to think we only planned on one kid." Meredith laughed.

"We got better the more we had." Derek smiled.

"Are we crazy to try and get pregnant again?"

"I don't think so."

"We only tried for a year before we adopted Zola and maybe it would have happened because a year isn't really that bad but...what if we can't get pregnant?"

"Then we'll...cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Mmm...the kids would love another baby."

"Can you imagine Zola as a big sister?" Derek smiled, wrapping his arms around Meredith.

"I can."

"We'll make it happen."

"I...are we done after this?"

"Four seems like a good number."

"It does...so..."

"One more."

"One." Meredith winked.

"And then we stop." Derek breathed.

"Feels weird to say we're done." Meredith was surprised. They had planned on one child, then after a few years Derek had expressed interest in another baby. It was a few years after Ava was born that Meredith then got the itch.

"I know."

"Ava asked me this morning if she could wear lip gloss like me."

"I guess that means she's feeling better."

"The virus has passed...now we just have to hope Hunter and Zola don't get it."

"I hated seeing her like that" Derek sighed, running his fingers though Meredith's hair.

"I know but she's finally bouncing back." Meredith leaned forward kissing him again.

"We should go to the zoo this weekend...before it gets too cold."

"Yes and I want to take them to go see the movie with the talking cats. Hunter has been so excited."

"They have a day off from school next week don't they?"

"They do and maybe Holly can watch Zola." Meredith replied. They loved their sitter and with all of their family and friends being in New York it helped to have someone the kids enjoyed.

"I'll ask her tonight when I pick Zola up." Derek smiled, kissing her softly.

"Perfect."

"Mmm..."

"Oh and we need to get the dates for Ava's first dance recital...that way we can make sure we both have it off. It should be in November."

"They have to pick their Halloween costumes too."

"I want Zola to be a pumpkin."

"She's the easy one since she doesn't get a say." Derek laughed.

"She is." Meredith laughed.

"Ava said something about being a ballerina...which would be easy."

"I loved last year when she went as an Angel."

"That was really cute." He laughed.

"She's so little she would fit into the costume again." Meredith replied. "Too bad she'll want something completely different."

"Hunter will be easy."

"Ninja...pirate or...baseball player."

"If I had my choice he'd be a baseball player. I have my old glove in the basement."

"Oh kids!"

"We should dress up too."

"What?"

"You and I...we should dress up too. It would be fun."

"Oh..."

"Or we could just dress up that night...after the kids go to bed." Derek smirked at her.

"Dirty..." Meredith giggled as his phone rang.

"Crap." He groaned.

"If it's Mark tell him he has shitty timing."

"It's the school." Derek frowned, answering the phone.

"Oh." Meredith frowned, sitting up and reaching for her bra. She was trying to figure out in her head if she had forgotten Hunter's lunch.

"Hello...yes this is he...oh...is she okay? Okay...we'll be there as soon as we can. Thank you."

"Ava?" Meredith swallowed as Derek hung up.

"She's running a fever and won't get up from the bed in the nurses office." Derek told his wife, reaching for his scrub top.

"I...she had a fever two days ago."

"I know."

"I...do you need me to go get her?"

"No I'll get her."

"Okay." Meredith stood and started to get dressed. "Derek this has been going on for a couple of weeks now between the exhaustion and the fever and appetite. Maybe you should bring her here and she can see a doctor."

"Do you want to make an appointment while I go get her?"

"Yeah and I want to talk to Dr. Bryson about getting some tests run."

"I'm sure she's fine. We just...you know..." He sighed.

"Well she might have a deficiency or something."

"I better go."

"Love you." Meredith kissed him quickly before he opened the door.

"I love you too." Derek smiled weakly, hurrying off down the hallway. He would have been lying if he said he wasn't worried. Ava was such a high spirited, energetic girl and it was weird for her to be acting like this. Even when she caught a cold or a virus, she usually bounced back in a few days and now she was sick and not getting better. But they would take her to one of the doctors at the hospital and figure out what was wrong and make it right.


	4. Chapter 4

When Meredith had gotten the call that Derek had arrived with Ava, she had rushed to meet him in pediatrics. She felt her heart beat out of her chest and the moment she saw her sick little girl she grabbed her and held her close. As a parent who was a surgeon, she knew a million things could go wrong. Yet, they found themselves more calm as the doctor's mentioned that it was probably just a bug.

Since she had been sick for a while, they decided to take blood and do a CT. Ava had been scared but now their nauseas little girl was curled up on her father's lap, wearing a hospital gown since she had thrown up on her yellow dress from school. "Ava...when we get home we'll get you in your pajamas."

"Can we go home soon?" Ava whispered, clutching Derek's leg.

"As soon as Dr. Bryson comes back, we'll take you home Pumpkin." Derek assured her, rubbing her back.

"My tummy hurts again." Ava lifted her head as she began to gag.

"Oh...Ava..." Derek frowned.

"Here baby girl..." Meredith reached for a trashcan.

"Poor thing." He sighed, rubbing her back as she got sick.

"One of us needs to run to the store after this."

"I'll take her home. You've been cleaning up after her all week."

"Why am I sick?" Ava cried.

"You just have a bug, sweetie pie." Derek said, holding her close to him.

"Ooh Miss. Ava..." Meredith looked at her little girl's shoulder and knee. "You have some nasty bruises."

"Playing outside with her brother." Derek laughed softly.

"I thought princess's didn't have bruises Ava Sophia."

"I want to go home." Ava cried before getting sick again.

"Okay sweetie...we will in a minute."

"We need more crackers."

"I'll ask the nurse when she comes in."

"Hi guys..." The doctor knocked on the door before coming into the room with files in his hand.

"Hey." Meredith smiled as the nurse followed him in.

"I'm going to take Ava into the next room while you talk to Dr. Bryson." The nurse smiled.

"Oh...okay." Meredith looked at Derek as the nurse lifted Ava.

"We'll see you soon." Derek kissed Ava before the nurse took her from the room.

"So she needs antibiotics?" Meredith looked at the doctor, her heart rate picking up.

"I'm afraid not." Dr. Bryson sat down across from them. "I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this."

"I...we're doctors...we know you don't send the child out for just a virus." Meredith swallowed.

"It's okay." Derek assured her, holding Meredith's hand tightly.

"Okay...okay..."

"Ava has leukemia." The doctor told them.

"No." Derek shook his head.

"I'm sorry." Dr. Bryson crossed his arms.

"You're sorry?" Derek suddenly felt angry.

"She has Childhood Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia." He explained. "I won't insult your intelligence. You know all about the blood cells and bone marrow. Her white blood count is off the charts."

"No." Derek stood up, shaking his head. "No."

"Derek..." Meredith reached for his hand.

"Not my little girl."

"I am going to suggest some pediatric surgeons and an oncologist."Dr. Bryson replied. "And she has a lump in her stomach and neck...the neck one is so small you wouldn't have noticed."

"I'm going to get her."

"What about Dr. Arizona Robbins at New York Presbyterian?" Meredith asked quickly. Years ago they had moved away from all of their family and friends in New York for Derek to take a position in Seattle.

"She's at the top of my list." Dr. Bryson responded.

"I...Derek we should call her."

"What happens now?" Derek asked. In the back of his mind, he knew exactly what was next but the fact that it was his daughter made it all disappear.

"Well we get her doctor and then that doctor will run more tests, do a biopsy and make a decision."

"How advanced is it?"

"You won't know until her Doctor meets with her."

"Bullshit."

"Derek...he's right."

"I'm sorry Dr. Shepherd. I can't imagine how much of a shock this must be." Dr. Bryson apologized.

"I think we need to go home and talk...get Ava comfortable and then talk. I um...can you call Dr. Robbins and tell her about Ava's case?" Meredith swallowed.

"Of course." He nodded.

"And...we can take Aubrey home?"

"Yes." Dr. Bryson told them. "Have her get as much rest as possible and give me a call if you have any questions or need anything."

"Thank you Dr. Bryson." Meredith wiped at her eyes before the doctor smiled weakly and left. "Oh my God."

"I want a second opinion." Derek said immediately.

"Well he gave us a copy of her test results." Meredith sighed, holding the folder that the doctor had given her. Meredith knew doctors typically didn't do that, so she was sure it was because they were two doctors.

"I...it can't..." He sat down on the chair and broke down.

"Derek..." Meredith leaned over.

"She's our little girl."

"We need to talk but we can't...we can't tell her until we make a decision on what we're going to do." Meredith murmured.

"She's going to be okay." He looked up at his wife, his eyes red.

"He's going to call Arizona."

"I...we have to call my Mom..."

"I...can you ask her if we can stay with her and we can figure everything else out tonight."

"I just want to take her home." Derek breathed.

"Let's go in there and see her."

"We're going to be alright." He wrapped his arms around Meredith, trying to keep himself together.

"Come on." Meredith put the test results in her purse. Trying to be strong as they walked into the next room to find their daughter. The nurse looked up, nodding at them before leaving. "Hi sweetie."

"Are we going home now?" Ava asked, sitting up on the exam table, her face pale.

"Yeah...we are." Derek picked Ava up into his arms.

"Do I gotta bug?" Ava asked.

"You...kind of." Meredith whispered.

"We're going to go home and get some rest, okay?" Derek whispered, trying his hardest not to show how he was feeling.

"Kay." Ava laid her head on his shoulder

"I love you pumpkin." He breathed.

"We both love you." Meredith whispered before they left the exam room. She wasn't sure what she was thinking. All she knew was that her little girl had cancer and this wasn't something they could cuddle away. Their lives had just been changed and she had no idea how they would handle telling Ava.

_What do you say in a moment like this_  
><em> When you can't find the words oh to tell it like it is<em>  
><em> Just bite your tongue and let your heart lead the way<em>  
><em> Let's get out of here oh what do you say<em>


	5. Chapter 5

Derek Shepherd was in complete shock right now. The doctor's words kept replaying over and over in his head like a movie. His little girl, his first daughter, had cancer. The words had stabbed him like a knife through the heart and now, trying to absorb the news was like trying to mix oil and water. He couldn't do anything to make his daughter feel better and he knew that with the treatment she would have to get, she would only feel worse before she got better. Everything's just seemed so unfair and it took all of the strength Derek had to hold in his anger and how he was feeling.

"I spoke to my mom." Derek whispered, looking up as Meredith came into their bedroom and closed the door. He was sitting on their bed, still in the same clothes from earlier, his hair a mess.

"Okay..." Meredith walked over to the bed, her sweatshirt hanging off of her shoulder.

"She's expecting us...getting the house ready."

"Okay." Meredith sat down. "I just got off the phone with Arizona."

"What did she say?"

"She saw the scans and without a doubt she does have leukemia." Meredith took a deep breath. "She wants us to come out right away and prepare for a very long stay. She wants us to come out there while she's sick."

"Is she asleep?" Derek looked up at her.

"She is but I have this strong urge to pull her into our bed."

"She'll wonder what's wrong."

"I know." Meredith pulled her hair from her ponytail. "She um...we have to both go which means we have to pull them both out of school."

"And find another school."

"What about Ava and school?"

"I...I don't even know."

"She loves kindergarten."

"We can...maybe she can still go to school..."

"How?"

"Or maybe we shouldn't decide until we know more about her treatment." Derek sighed. "I don't know."

"What if I home school her?"

"I don't know."

"I mean...I wouldn't be working in New York...I..."

"I feel like I'm dreaming." Derek laughed harshly. "Like someone needs to wake me up from this nightmare."

"I miss yesterday."

"She um...she's going to have a lot of questions."

"She's going to lose her hair..."

"How did this happen?"

"I messed up...I don't know."

"She was healthy."

"We need to get them packed. We have three children's lives to pack up."

"So we're leaving tomorrow." Derek breathed, running a hand through his hair.

"Tomorrow night."

"We need plane tickets."

"I did that while on the phone with Arizona...our plane leaves at eight tomorrow night."

"Did she say anything...about treatment or..."

"She wants to run another test on the bone marrow and remove the lump from her stomach." Meredith replied. "She said it will come down to chemo or radiation."

"What about her...what are the survival rates?" He whispered.

"They won't know until they run more tests."

"Right."

"We need to pack...and we need to pack some toys and ship them because we can't take everything on the plane. We each get two pieces of luggage and our carry-on." Meredith leaned into him. "I'm going to be up all night."

"I'm not sleeping either." Derek sighed, kissing her head.

"Your Mom still has a crib right?"

"Yeah."

"We have to pack up their lives and...they don't even know yet."

"She doesn't even know how sick she is."

"No she doesn't..." Meredith felt something rise in her throat and she took off towards the bathroom.

"Mer..." Derek followed after her.

"Ava..." Meredith burst into tears before getting sick.

"I know." He slid down to the floor with her, wrapping his arms around her.

"I can't...Derek I can't..." Meredith clutched him.

"We're going to do this...we're going to get her through it." Derek whispered, trying to believe the words himself.

"I can't do this for her."

"Arizona is a great doctor..."

"I know...I know." Meredith put her hands over her face. "We need to pack and decide what they need because it seems we're going to be there for at least a few months."

"I'll get started on our stuff if you want to do the kids."

"I'll pack some toys...I can't do clothes until they're awake." Meredith wiped at her eyes. "And I need to get their coats and laundry."

"This just..." Derek shook his head.

"We can't let her know we're freaking out."

"How are we going to tell her..."

"I have no idea. I feel like we should tell the kids that we're going to grandmas for a while in the morning. We can let Hunter go to school to see his friends and then we can tell Ava sometime during the day."

"I'm going to go check on her." He stood up.

"I wanna come."

"Come on." Derek held out his hand to help her up.

"Derek..." Meredith stood, wrapping her arms around him.

"We can do this." He whispered.

"She's our little girl and we're supposed to protect her."

"We will..."

"I...you're sure we can't pull her into our bed?" Meredith murmured.

"We don't usually do that...she'll know something's not right." Derek sighed.

"I'm turning into a helicopter Mom."

"But I'm tempted to sit in her room and watch her sleep."

"Want to?" Meredith swallowed.

"After we get some packing done."

"Okay."

"She's tough...she's going to be okay."

"She is." Meredith wrapped her arms around his waist.

"She has to."

"We can't lose her."

"I thought the doctor was going to say she caught a stomach virus...and would be better in a few days...a week at the most.

"Me too." Meredith pulled away, wiping away her tears. "I should go downstairs and pack their favorite movies."

"I guess I'll get a start with my things."

"Get stuff for cold weather too."

"Right."

"I'll be back."

"Okay." Derek sighed, opening their closet door. They had no idea how long they were going to be in New York and Derek knew they were lucky to have his Mom's house to go to and not have to worry about staying in a hotel for however long they were there for. It would be months, maybe more, before they came back to Seattle and packing seemed like such a daunting task. He didn't know what to bring,

what they would be doing or how to handle any of this.

Their entire world had been torn apart when the doctor had given them the news and everything was going to change drastically. They would leave their jobs, and pull their children from school where they had friends who they loved to have to get treatment for their five year old daughter. It wasn't fair.

"Did you get the movies?" Derek asked, folding up a few t-shirts and tossing them into the suitcase as Meredith came back into their room.

"Yeah...I grabbed their favorites and a few others." Meredith replied, sitting down on the bed. "I also tossed all of Zola's bottles and formula into a bag."

"We have to call Holly and tell her we won't need her...and I thought we could tell her she could take any of the food in the fridge...or whatever she wants."

"That's a good idea." Meredith nodded. "We're almost out of diapers but I figure we can stop at the store."

"My mom can get some." He sighed.

"I think we should put a ton of stuff in boxes and ship it out tomorrow before lunch."

"All of their winter clothes...jackets and stuff..."

"Zola is going to be the hardest to pack because her sizes are always changing."

"My sisters have plenty of baby clothes." Derek breathed.

"She deserves the stuff we bought for her."

"We can ship most of it...pack whatever she'll need for a couple of days." He got up and took a few more things from the closet.

"Okay." Meredith agreed. .They would pay one hell of a shipping bill but it needed to be done. She was sure people would think she was crazy showing up with so many boxes. As Meredith walked over to her dresser a small cry filled the room from the baby monitor.

"I'll get her."

"I'll be here."

"Okay." Derek smiled weakly, heading out of the bedroom and down the hall to Zola's room. He just wanted everything to be normal again. He wanted the day before back when all his daughter had was a stomach flu and she would be sick for a little while and then go back to her normal self. But it wasn't going to happen. His daughter, his little girl, had cancer and there wasn't anything that he could do about it except try his best to be strong for her.

_And I know that it's a wonderful world  
>But I can't feel it right now<em>


	6. Chapter 6

"I've got all my clothes packed...and most of yours are done." Derek sighed as he came downstairs into the kitchen. They had completed almost all of the packing and it would be only a few short hours until they got on a plane and headed to New York so Ava could start treatment. Deciding what to take and what to leave seemed unimportant when the only thing that really mattered at the moment was their daughter's health.

"Okay." Meredith looked at their pile of suitcases that had already been packed then down at Zola who was pulling clothes from a pile. "Zo...no."

"Where is Ava?" He looked around, handing Zola a toy to play with instead.

"Right here!" Ava came in, still wearing her nightgown as she held a pile of dolls. "I gotta show grandma all my new babies!"

"I don't know if we have space to take all of those pumpkin."

"But I gotta show Grandma."

"How about we pick two for the plane and then I will ship the rest in a box." Meredith turned around, lifting her little girl up. Right now Ava was tired and pale, but she seemed to be feeling fine which made the reason for their trip all the more difficult.

"Can I put it in my Barbie suitcase?"

"Sure." Meredith kissed her cheek. "How is your tummy?"

"It only hurts a little."

"Do you want something to eat?" Derek asked.

"No." Ava shook her head.

)

"Okay." He sighed.

"Mommy you gotta pack my tutu and my school folder so I can show Grandma."

"I...I will." Meredith breathed.

"Ava...did you pick the rest of the toys you're going to bring?" Derek asked, putting Zola into her high chair.

"I'm not done."

"We have to finish soon so I can take the boxes to the post office."

"Okay." Ava nodded.

"Thank you sweetie." He whispered, kissing her cheek.

"Ava...Daddy and I are going to come in and pack up your clothes." Meredith replied, lifting Zola out of the high chair as she sipped at her bottle.

"Grandma and I are going to play dolls when we get there." Ava smiled.

"I'm sure she'd love to play with you." Meredith swallowed.

"Can we go to the park like last time?" Their little girl's eyes lit up.

"I um..." Meredith stopped, ignoring the sinking feeling in her stomach. "I don't know Sweetie."

"Why don't you go upstairs and play and Mommy and I will be up soon, okay?" Derek breathed.

"Okay!" Ava ran out of the room.

"I can't...she's fine..." He sighed.

"She's not eating..."

"I..."

"This is bullshit." Meredith groaned, before kissing Zola's head. "I'm going to go put Zola down...why don't you go help Ava and I'll be in."

"Okay." Derek sighed, shaking his head. He put away a few things in the kitchen and headed upstairs to Ava's room where she was playing on the floor with her dolls. "Hey pumpkin."

"Hi Daddy."

"What are you doing?"

"Playing." Ava reached for her doll's bottle. "I gotta feed her like Mommy feeds Zola."

"Yeah?" Derek chuckled, sitting down on the floor next to her. "You know I love you, Ava."

"I know Daddy...I love you too." Ava giggled, crawling into her Daddy's lap. "Can we go to the American Doll Store Daddy? I've always wanted a doll from there my whole life and they have a place to eat yummy stuff!"

"We'll see...we have a lot to do." He breathed.

"And the Zoo!"

"Maybe."

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"How are Rainbows made?" His daughter asked innocently.

"It's a reflection...of the light after it rains." Derek explained.

"Oh."

"I just put Zola down for her nap." Meredith walked in, her hands in her pockets.

"Hi Mommy." Ava smiled.

"Hi Ava." Meredith grinned, walking over to the closet.

"Mommy?"

"Yes Ava?"

"How come Hunter got to go to school today and I didn't?" Her daughter asked, looking up at her with the most innocent face.

"Oh..." Meredith stopped going through the closet and turned to face her little girl. "He um...he wanted to say bye to his friends and we didn't want you to...there are germs and...we just wanted to see you."

"Ava, Mommy and Daddy have to talk to you about something." Derek said, looking at Meredith, letting her know it was time.

"About what?" Ava asked.

"Um..." Meredith went and sat on the bed closer to where Derek was holding Ava on the floor.

"You know...how your tummy was sick?" whispered.

"Yeah." Ava nodded, holding her doll.

"Sweetie...remember when they ran tests on your?" Meredith asked as warmly as she could.

"Yeah...they had to use needles."

"I know sweetie." Meredith winced. She would have given anything to not see her daugther go through that. Ava had screamed and cried when they had taken her blood.

"They um...when they did that...they found out that your blood is sick too." Derek tried to explain.

"Do I gotta take the pink medicine?" Ava asked.

"No Ava." Meredith breathed.

"We have to go to Grandma's house so that we can make you better." Derek told her.

"We're going to stay there because Arizona is a really good doctor...you remember her and Callie right?"

"Yeah." Ava nodded her head.

"Well she and Uncle Alex are going to help you get better but it's going to take a little while." Meredith explained.

"What do I have?" Ava asked quickly.

"It's called leukemia." Derek breathed.

"What's that Daddy?"

"It um...it means that your sick...but not the kind of sick like you have a cold...you have something in your body that's not supposed to be there and we're going to get it out."

"But we're going to take good care of you." Meredith added, wanting to lock their little family in a room and pretend like none of this was real. "We're not going to let anything bad happen."

"But my tummy feels better." Ava frowned.

"I know." Derek sighed. "But it's not...it's not in your tummy."

"But my tummy was sick, Daddy.:"

"The other thing...the leukemia...that made your tummy sick. So we have to go to New York so that doesn't happen again."

"So I gotta get a shot then I will be better?" Ava stood.

"No, not a shot." Derek breathed.

"Sweetie things might happen that will seem scary but..."

"I have to take medicine?"

"You'll have to take a lot of medicine." Meredith stroked Ava's soft blonde hair.

"But Mommy and Daddy are going to stay with you when you get it." Derek promised her. "And even though sometimes the medicine...it might make you feel sick...it's going to make you feel better after."

"Okay Daddy." Ava shrugged. "Then we can go to the American Girl Doll Store?"

"Once you're all better."

"Can I get a doll there?"

"Yes." Derek laughed weakly.

"Maybe we can get one before that though." Meredith looked up at Derek.

"I think we could do that." He nodded.

"Yay!" Ava clapped.

"Do you have any questions for us?" Derek asked.

"When can I go back to my school?"

"Oh..um..." He looked up at Meredith.

"Ava...Daddy and I are pulling you out of Kindergarten...because it's going to take a while to get better." Meredith wiped at her eyes, trying to be strong because Derek looked like he was breaking. "Hunter is going to a new school in New York and you will stay home."

"I wanna go to school." Ava whispered.

"I know sweetie."

"You can go to school once you get all better." Derek told her.

"No!" Ava groaned.

"I know it stinks, Aves. But we have to do it." Derek sighed, rubbing her back.

"Ava if you want I can see about homeschooling so you can still do some school while you're sick." Meredith offered. She had looked at some programs earlier that morning so maybe Ava would want to do something like that.

"Okay." The little girl sighed, obviously disappointed.

"I'll make sure you enjoy school still."

"Promise Mommy?"

"I promise Ava."

"Okay."

"We're going to take good care of you, Pumpkin." Derek promised her, hugging her tightly.

"I know Daddy." Ava put her head on his shoulder.

"Do you want to play while we finish packing your things?"

"In my bed." Ava yawned, clutching her doll.

"Okay sweetie." He kissed her cheek.

"I'm tired." She whispered.

"You are?" Meredith pulled back the blankets.

"Mmhmm." Ava sighed.

"Well you rest while we pack your clothes." Meredith kissed her little girl's cheek as she tucked her in.

"Don't forget my tutu."

"We will not forget anything pink or sparkly." Meredith giggled.

"Mmkay."

"Sleep tight." Derek whispered, walking out of the bedroom.

"Daddy and I will be in and out Ava to pack but you enjoy your nap."

"Kay." Ava whispered, curling up under her blankets.

"Sweet dreams..." Meredith whispered.

"She's out." Derek breathed, closing the door.

"She's so tired." Meredith turned around, pressing her head into his chest.

"I...that was...I don't know if it was easier or harder than I expected." He whispered.

"She...I don't think she understands Derek."

"That might be best."

"I think the kids will know something is wrong when we don't leave New York after a week."

"I just..." Derek shook his head.

"Hmm?"

"I don't know if I can put her through this."

"We don't exactly have a choice if we want her to be okay."

"I know." He sighed.

"Let's just take everything day by day."

"I have to take the stuff to the post office."

"I'll help you pack to few more things and then you can take it." Meredith kissed his cheek.

"Okay." Derek breathed.

"There are a few more things we need to ship for the kids."

"Can you get them together for me?"

"Yeah..."

"I'm just gonna..." He motioned to their daughter's bedroom door.

"Make sure to grab all of her pajamas." Meredith replied.

"I will."

"I'll be back." Meredith backed away.

"Okay." Derek smiled weakly, slowly opening the door to Ava's room. When she had been born, he had the overwhelming urge to protect her and that feeling was stronger than ever now that he knew that she was sick. He would have given anything to be able to go through this for her but he couldn't so right now, sitting in her room with her and watching her sleep, knowing she was okay right in front of him was the only comfort he could get.


	7. Chapter 7

Meredith loved being a mom. It was a weird thing because at one point in her life she thought she would never quite love someone the way you were supposed to and then she met Derek. Meeting Derek she was sure she was done. She could never love anyone else as much as she loved him and then she had become a mother. It had changed everything. She loved it.

Now, as they drove their rental car to his mother's, she knew life was changing. Their child was about to undergo treatment for Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. They had an early meeting with Arizona and they would find out just what it would take to beat the cancer. She was a doctor and suddenly she felt like she knew nothing. She couldn't even figure out what they would do for her child. She did have an idea that it would take chemotherapy or radiation to kill the cancer cells and she also knew that both medications could have long lasting effects on a five year old.

It made her made her sick. Then they had taken an evening flight from Seattle to New York and it hadn't been easy. From the moment they took off to the moment they landed, poor Ava had been horribly ill. The add Zola being fussy because it was bed time and a nervous little boy. It wasn't easy and now she was just somewhat relieved as they made their way to his mother's street. "Hmm."

"They're sound asleep." Derek whispered, glancing into the back seat of the car where his children were.

"Hunter's been really worried about Ava." Meredith spoke quietly. She loved how close her children were.

"Did he say something to you?"

"No." Meredith looked back. Ava's head was resting on Hunter's shoulder. "He kept rubbing her head before he fell asleep and he just kept watching her on the plane."

"I don't think we should wake them up...they can see my mom in the morning." Derek sighed, pulling into the driveway.

"I agree." Meredith sighed. "Ava needs a bath but that will have to wait until morning."

"Here we are." He turned the car off.

"Just wake Hunter to walk in the house." Meredith unbuckled her seatbelt. "I'll grab Zola."

"I can carry him."

"You need to carry Ava."

"Okay." He sighed, getting out of the car and opening the back door, gently waking up his son. "Hey bud...we're here..."

"Okay Dad." Hunter yawned, stretching his arms before getting out of the car.

"You can go upstairs and get right into bed." Derek patted his son's back before lifting Ava out of the car.

"Shh..." Meredith patted Zola's back as she began to stir and they walked up the sidewalk.

"I'm going to change her into her pajamas and tuck her in." Derek whispered, ringing the doorbell.

"Okay." Meredith sighed before the door opened.

"There you guys are." His mother breathed with a sigh of relief as she bent over to hug her grandson. "I was getting worried."

"We got caught up at baggage claim." Derek whispered.

"Well you two go get those kids in bed and I'll be in the kitchen." His mother backed up, ushering towards the staircase.

"Thank you." Meredith smiled weakly.

"Thanks Mom." Derek sighed, heading up the stairs with Ava in his arms as Meredith followed behind him carrying Zola.

"Your PJ's are in the bag Hunter." Meredith tossed a blue duffle onto the comforter.

"My red ones?" Hunter asked.

"Yes...I put a pair for your sister's in there too." Meredith replied.

"Can I stay in the same room with Ava?" Hunter looked up at Meredith.

"Of course." Meredith leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Go put your PJ's on and brush your teeth." Derek handed his son a toothbrush.

"Daddy...I'm tired." Ava yawned as Derek started to change her into her pajamas.

"I know sweetie." He whispered. "You can go back to sleep."

"Okay..." Ava curled up after Derek finished putting her night gown on.

"They can sleep in here tonight and we can sleep in the room across the hall with Zola."

"Goodnight Ava...I love you." Derek whispered, kissing her cheek and taking Zola so that Meredith could kiss Ava goodnight.

"Love you Ava." Meredith stroked her hair before standing up and Hunter walked back into the room. "Give me a hug good night Hunter."

"Night Mommy." Hunter hugged Meredith before crawling into bed.

"I love you Hunter."

"Night bud. We love you too." Derek patted his son's head and left the dark bedroom.

"Okay...want to put Zola in the crib?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah." He nodded, going across the hall into his old bedroom where his mother had set up Zola's crib. He kissed her goodnight and placed her into the crib and went back out into the hallway where Meredith was staring at the other bedroom door. "She's down."

"Downstairs?" Meredith breathed.

"Yeah." Derek nodded.

"Let's go." Meredith took his hand and they walked down the hall.

"They have no idea what's about to happen."

"Neither do we." Meredith breathed as they walked into the kitchen where his mom was sitting with milk and cookies.

"Meredith...Derek..." His mother stood, opening her arms wide to Meredith.

"Hi." Meredith murmured.

"Oh...dear. I'm so sorry." Mrs. Shepherd whispered, hugging Meredith.

"Thank you for letting us come and stay here." She breathed.

"Of course."

"We have an appointment in the city tomorrow with Arizona." Meredith added. "To see what the next step is."

"She's the best." Mrs. Shepherd smiled weakly, looking at Derek and opening her arms. "Come here."

"Mom..." Derek whispered.

"She's going to be perfectly fine."

"She has to be."

"Well this family is coming together for her." His mother assured him. "And I will help wherever I can."

"Thank you." Meredith smiled.

"We um...we shipped a lot of stuff so it should be here in the next few days." Derek breathed.

"We'll make this home." Mrs. Shepherd replied.

"Arizona said we have to start treatment right away." He sat down at the kitchen table.

"It will be Chemo or radiation." Meredith added.

"She's a strong little girl." Mrs. Shepherd poured them each a cup of coffee.

"She's already sick...I can't imagine her getting more sick from all of the medication." Meredith looked down at the table.

"Have you told her?" His mother asked.

"We have." Meredith nodded. "She didn't get it...later we told Hunter and he was confused but he knows cancer isn't good."

"He sat with her and held her hand the whole flight." Derek breathed, looking into the cup of coffee in front of him, trying to hold back tears.

"How is her eating?"

"She eats hardly anything...and what she does it she can barely keep down."

"They think that might be caused by the lump...mass in her stomach."

"But I thought leukemia..." Mrs. Shepherd frowned.

"It spread." Derek told her.

"We'll know just how much and how advanced it is tomorrow morning." Meredith crossed her arms.

"And what the prognosis is." Derek added.

"Wow..." The older woman wiped tears from her eyes. "Well it's going to be a long road but you will stay here and you have a whole family to help you both, Ava and the other two children."

"We have to find a school for Hunter." Derek held the warm cup of coffee in his hands.

"And a home schooling program for Ava." Meredith added.

"I will do some research tomorrow while you're at the appointment." Mrs. Shepherd added.

"Thanks Mom."

"I'm here for whatever you two need."

"Right now...a reason why this happened." He put his head in his hands.

"Sometimes things happen that we just don't understand Derek." His mother reached for his hand.

"I know. I know that."

"Well I will try to make it as easy for you as possible."

"Thank you." Meredith smiled.

"I told her you'd make some chicken soup." Derek smiled weakly.

"I will make those kids whatever they want."

"It was the only thing she said she wanted to eat."

"I have some stored in the freezer." Carolyn Shepherd added. "And I will make more tomorrow."

"Great." Derek finished off his cup of coffee.

"And I can't wait to spend quality time with all three of those children."

"Ava can't wait to show you her dolls."

"I look forward to it."

"Does everyone know already?" Derek asked quietly. Since they had found out, everything had happened so fast and he wasn't sure if all the family nearby knew what was going on.

"I figured it was easier if I told everyone instead of you having to call and break the news to everyone."

"Hmm..." He breathed.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." Mrs. Shepherd nodded.

"I'm sorry in advance if Zola wakes up crying tonight." Meredith apologized. "She doesn't get up every night but she's in a new place."

"Don't worry dear."

"I want to check on Ava." Derek stood up quickly as he heard some stirring above them.

"Alright."

"I'll um...I'll be back." Derek disappeared from the kitchen.

"Why don't you go upstairs too...try to get some rest." Mrs. Shepherd suggested. "Tomorrow's not going to be easy."

"That might be a good idea."

"I'll have breakfast and coffee for you in the morning before you go."

"Thank you so much." Meredith stood.

"Don't mention it." The older woman hugged her. "Get some sleep."

"I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay dear."

"Goodnight." Meredith turned quietly and left the kitchen. Their lives had changed so much already but tomorrow it changed in a more dramatic way. Ava's life would officially be different and Meredith wasn't sure she could stomach just what was about to come into their lives. She didn't want to close her eyes and tomorrow would bring about all of that change.

_You're aching, you're breaking  
>And I can see the pain in your eyes<em>


	8. Chapter 8

Derek was not used to being on this side of things. He was used to being the one to deliver news about patient, to being the one to tell a family that their loved one was going to need to undergo surgery. He wasn't used to waiting and knowing that there was bad news coming. They had only been sitting in the small room for about ten minutes but it felt like ten hours as they waited for Arizona to

come and tell them what was going to happen with Ava.

"I wonder what's taking so long." Derek stood up, pacing the small space of Arizona Robbins' office.

"She said she was going to get Ava settled with the nurse." Meredith replied. They were going to run a few more tests on Ava while Arizona spoke to them.

"It shouldn't be taking this long."

"I told her after we would pick up a barbie or something...since she has to get more blood taken."

"If she doesn't have to stay here." Derek breathed.

"If she has to stay here over night I refuse to leave her."

"Me too."

"Hey guys...sorry to keep you waiting." Arizona walked in, pushing her blonde hair to the side before sitting down at the large desk. "Ava is winning over the hearts of everybody here. She's so cute."

"How is she?" Derek asked quickly.

"She's good...Alex is with her so I think having a lot of familiar faces here will help." Arizona opened a folder.

"Good." He breathed.

"Listen you guys are my friends and I've known Ava since she was five weeks old and I don't...I want all of my patients to be healthy but I am not every going to give up on Ava. I won't let you go back to Seattle without a healthy little girl." Arizona added.

"Which means..." Derek whispered, ready for the worst.

"Ava's Leukemia is still considered Low risk...that being said she's right on the line. The cancer has spread but I have faith we can remove the cancer from her stomach." Arizona replied. "She has a lump on her neck that is small and I may have to biopsy but I want to see how it reacts to chemo since it doesn't appear to be active."

"It spread." Meredith murmured.

"Only to two places...which is good news." Arizona told them.

"Derek and I want to know her treatment options. We're doctors but somehow...it feels like...we just want to know what you think."

"The first step is going to be removing the mass in her stomach. Once we do that, she can begin chemo."

"And you're going to be putting in an intravenous catheter?" Meredith swallowed.

"During the stomach surgery, yes." Arizona nodded. "That way she won't need an additional surgery."

"Okay..." Meredith looked over at her husband.

"When will that be...the stomach surgery?" Derek asked.

"I'd like to do it the day after tomorrow...six in the morning."

"Oh...wow." He breathed.

"And depending on how she does she can go home on Friday."

"She'll be in the hospital for three days?" Meredith frowned.

"It's an extensive surgery and we want to make sure there are no complications." Arizona told them.

"And you'll be performing the surgery yourself?" Derek questioned.

"Alex will be assisting but I will be heading the surgery."

"And the chemo?"

"We'll discuss that after the surgery." Arizona added. "I want her to heal as much as the possible before we start the chemo."

"Right." Derek nodded.

"But it will happen pretty quickly after."

"So she can come home tonight." He breathed, squeezing Meredith's hand.

"She can come home tonight." Arizona nodded.

"That's a relief." Derek laughed weakly.

"We want to make sure she gets as much rest as possible before the surgery. It will make recovery easier and she can start the chemo sooner the faster she recovers." Arizona instructed.

"So we'll make sure she relaxes." Meredith nodded.

"As much as she can." Arizona nodded.

"Is there anything we can do for the stomach pain and nausea?" Derek asked the doctor. He wanted to make sure Ava was as comfortable as possible.

"I will have the nurse give you the prescription so she can have something for nausea. I'll also have her give you the instructions for the night before her surgery."

"No food or drink after midnight...we know."

"We're also going to set her up with a rehabilitation therapist, we'll introduce you to her oncologist and she'll have several other specialists throughout the treatment." Arizona sighed.

"Rehabilitation?" Derek frowned.

"Chemo can cause some delayed growth as well as some cognitive issues." Arizona explained. "She may have some issues with simple tasks later on especially if we mix radiation into her therapy which is more than likely."

"Arizona..."

"It's unlikely that Ava will experience something so harsh but we have to be prepared. She's only five...a very small five...and the harsh drugs can have tough effects."

"What are her chances?" Derek looked up.

"We're going to do everything we can." Arizona answered.

"Is there a percentage?" Meredith asked.

"The overall cure rate for Pediatric Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia is eighty percent." Arizona added.

"Eighty percent." Derek repeated out loud.

"If it reoccurs within four years once there is a sixty five percent chance."

"Oh my god..."

"But those are good chances." Meredith squeezed his hand. "We tell patients these numbers every day."

"She has a very good chance." Arizona tried to reassure them. "While it's spread...it's not in any vital organs which is excellent news. And the sooner we can start treatment the better. But that being said, we don't want her to go into the chemo still weak from the surgery because it will be harder on her."

"It's going to be a long road." Meredith whispered.

"It is. But she has a great team here and wonderful parents to get her through it." Arizona smiled sympathetically.

"Is there anything else we should know?" Derek asked.

"Seeing Ava go through this is going to be one of the hardest things you will experience. She's going to be horribly ill some days, she's not going to be the same Ava every day. Some days will be harder than others."

"It...we're doctors we see hard stuff all the time." Meredith replied.

"But this is your child." Arizona reminded them.

"I just...I have one request." Derek breathed.

"Yes?" Arizona looked up.

"Be honest with us...about what's going on. I...no sugar coating."

"It's going to be a tough road."

"Thank you."

"We'll let you sit with her and get her changed for her surgery and then we'll let you wait with her until its time for her to go back. Alex and I will be by her side the moment she leaves you guys." Arizona added. "Then once she's in recovery we'll come get you guys."

"How long is the surgery going to be?" He asked.

"I would guess somewhere about two hours but we won't know for sure until we get in there and see just where the mass is exactly."

"Okay." Derek nodded.

"She's going to have to fight and we're all going to have to help her through it." Arizona replied.

"Is there anything else that we can do to prepare?"

"Just don't ahead of yourselves." Arizona told them. "This is going to be a step by step process and we're just going to have to take it one day at a time."

"Got it." Meredith breathed.

"Take her home and spend some time with your family."

"Okay." Meredith nodded/

"Call me if you have any questions at all." Arizona stood up. "We're going to get her through this."

"Thank you." Derek breathed.

"Thank you Arizona."

"Take care."

"You too." Meredith breathed as Arizona left the room. Her hand moved from Derek's to wipe the hair from her face.

"I...I don't know what to say." Derek whispered.

"Mark Lexie and Amelia are coming over tonight." Meredith stood, reaching for her purse. "We should go get Ava."

"Yeah..."

"We just...we should go..."

"She needs to rest."

"She does."

"We can go to the toy store." He breathed.

"We can stop on the way home." Meredith replied, not wanting to spend another moment in this office.

"Let's go,." Derek reached for her hand again.

"Okay." Meredith kissed his cheek softly before they left the room. In a few days they would allow someone to cut into their child and even though they were trying to save her life, Meredith hated the idea. Ava was a little girl and there were things that just were not supposed to happen to a child. At five, Ava shouldn't even know what cancer is.


	9. Chapter 9

"Hunter...stay in your seat." Derek told his son, carrying two plates of food out from the kitchen and placing them on the dining room table. He was still reeling from hearing what Ava's treatment was going to entail and he didn't really feel like eating. But his sister Amelia was over, along with Mark and Lexie and he felt like he needed to act normal and put on a brave face for everyone there.

"Dad did you get mashed potatoes for me?" Hunter asked.

"Yes."

"Derek are you ready?" His mother held Zola on her lap as she reached for the salad dressing.

"Yeah...I think everything's out." He sighed, sitting down at the tab next to Meredith.

"Derek are you ready?" His mother held Zola on her lap as she reached for the salad dressing.

"Yeah...I think everything's out." He sighed, sitting down at the tab next to Meredith.

"Is Ava still sleeping?" Derek's younger sister Amelia asked. "I can go get her."

"She's still asleep." He looked over at his sister.

"You want her to sleep through dinner?" Amelia frowned.

"I want her to get as much rest as possible." Derek sighed, looking down at his empty plate, feeling his stomach turn.

"Ava needs to get as much rest as she can." Mark agreed. "We're going to win the fight against cancer."

"We are." His mother smiled warmly.

"Yeah." Derek breathed.

"Dad is Ava going to be bald?" Hunter asked suddenly and everyone around the table froze.

"Where did you hear that?" Derek asked.

"On the computer." Hunter shrugged.

"You said you were only using the computer to play games." Meredith frowned.

"I looked up cancer." Hunter replied.

"Hunter...what did we tell you about asking before you use the computer?" Derek sighed, taking a sip of his water.

"I did. Mommy said I could." Hunter answered. "So is she gonna be bald?"

"You know Hunter...Ava might lose her hair because of the medicine but she's going to look just as pretty. She might be sad about it but I bet you'll take good care of her." Amelia cut in, noticing the fear on her brother's face.

"Hunter, eat your food please." Derek changed the subject.

"Okay Dad..."

"Zola is getting so big." Lexie spoke up, making silly faces at Zola from across the table. "She keeps growing."

"You can't take credit for how cute she is." Mark smirked.

"Thanks Mark." Derek chuckled.

"She'll be one before you know it." Mrs. Shepherd bounced the baby girl on her lap.

"I can't believe that." Meredith breathed.

"You guys will have to have a huge birthday party." Amelia smiled. "Derek...eat."

"No thanks." He breathed.

"So do you need anyone to go to the hospital with you guys for the surgery?" Mark asked.

"I think it's just going to be the three of us." Derek answered, putting a small spoonful of potatoes on his plate.

"I'll keep the kids." His mother replied.

"We can come over and keep Zo and Hunter company too." Lexie added.

"Thank you." Meredith smiled weakly. "Hunter eat your food."

"I am." He groaned. "Dad isn't eating."

"Derek eat.'" Mrs. Shepherd insisted.

"I'm fine." Derek argued, reaching for his water glass instead.

"Derek..." Meredith moved her hand to his back.

"Hmm?"

"Eat."

"Not hungry." He breathed.

"Hey Hunter...what do you say we go get some ice cream after dinner?" Mark offered, trying to distract his nephew.

"Yeah!" Hunter gasped.

"I want to go." Amelia laughed.

"We can make it a big family outing." Lexie laughed.

"Maybe Ava will be awake and will go with us." Amelia smiled, patting her nephew's head.

"Maybe you guys can bring it back." Meredith replied. "She can have it when she wakes up."

"I'll her her chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles." Hunter told them, finishing his dinner.

"That sounds good, bud." Derek smiled weakly.

"We can take Zola with us." Amelia offered.

"Thanks." Derek sighed, pushing his plate away from him. "Does anybody want seconds?"

"I think we're good." His mother replied, as she looked around the table. "Hunter if you're all finished you can wash your hands and go play while you wait on your aunts and uncles."

"Okay." Hunter got up and disappeared into the kitchen.

"Well now that he's not here..." Mark took a deep breath.

"What did Arizona say?" Amelia finished for him.

"Well she's having her surgery to have the Hickman line put in and to have the mass removed from her stomach. As soon as her body is ready, we're going to start chemo." Meredith explained.

"So she will lose her hair." Amelia sighed. "I hate this."

"We all do." Mrs. Shepherd said. "But we're going to be here for her."

"She'll probably be in the hospital for about three days after the surgery." Derek told them.

"If you want we can all work through our schedules to help you at the hospital. When you want to run home and shower maybe Mom or I could come sit with her." Amelia suggested. "I took this week off when I heard you were coming."

"Mark and I can try and help too when we're off work or on breaks." Lexie offered.

"Thanks guys." Derek tried to smile.

"Thanks." Meredith sighed.

"She's got her uncle in her and she's strong." Mark spoke up. "She's going to be just fine."

"She is." Meredith nodded.

"Leave it to Mark to take credit for her being strong." Derek really laughed for the first time in days.

"Hey...she's my niece."

"So you don't know when the chemo is going to start?" Amelia asked.

"No." Derek sighed. "We won't know until after the surgery."

"Hopefully soon before the cancer gets a chance to spread anymore." Meredith leaned back in her chair.

"I'm...I'm going to make a pot of coffee." Lexie stood up and went into the kitchen.

"Ba!" Zola reached back at her grandma.

"Can we go get ice cream now?" Hunter ran back into the dining room.

"If it's okay with your parents." Mark answered.

"It's fine." Derek nodded. "Be good, bud."

"Come on guys!" Hunter jumped.

"Do you want us to bring you back anything?" Mark asked, putting a hand on Derek's shoulder.

"Just a small cup for Ava."

"She likes cookie dough." Meredith added as Amelia stood up.

"Do you want anything?" Amelia asked Meredith.

"I'll eat the cake your Mom made." Meredith smiled weakly. "She has a tub of strawberry ice cream."

"I always buy Meredith's favorite before she comes." His mother smiled.

"Let's go!" Hunter tugged on Mark's arm.

"Okay okay." Mark laughed. "We'll be back soon."

"Have fun Hunter." Meredith kissed her son's cheek.

"Bye Mommy."

"Stay with Uncle Mark."

"I will." Hunter smiled, hurrying out the door with Mark and Amelia.

"Zola's eating well." Meredith replied.

"She's a growing girl." Mrs. Shepherd smiled.

"Mommy?" Ava's soft voice filled the room.

"Hey...you're awake." Derek smiled, opening his arms to pick up Ava.

"I was sleepy!" Ava exclaimed.

"I bet you were." He laughed, lifting her into his arms. "How are you feeling, princess?"

"My tummy hurts right here." Ava lifted her shirt over her stomach and pointed to her abdomen.

"I know."

"The doctors are going to make it better sweetie." Meredith replied.

"With surgery?" Ava asked.

"With surgery." Meredith nodded.

"Okay." Ava sighed, resting her head on Derek's shoulder.

"Do you want something to eat?" Derek asked, rubbing her back lightly.

"I want cereal."

"Well we have plenty of cereal...come on Ava." His mother stood, putting Zola on her hip. "You and your sister can come with me."

"Do you have fruit loops?" Ava asked, getting off of Derek's lap.

"I do." Mrs. Shepherd smiled, taking the girls into the kitchen.

"She's hungry...that's good." Derek breathed.

"That's good." Meredith moved her head onto his shoulder.

"We're really lucky." He whispered.

"She's...we're doctors so why are we...we can help her."

"The only thing you and I can do is be there for her...it's out of our hands now."

"I wish this would go away."

"Me too." Derek sighed, holding Meredith's hand tightly as she laid her head on his shoulder. They weren't ready at all for what was about to come but knowing that they had the support of all of their family made it slightly easier to take. The hardest part was knowing that Ava had no idea what was about to happen and how bad she was going to feel before she got better and Derek would have given anything to go through it for her.


	10. Chapter 10

When Meredith and Derek had arrived at the hospital with Ava this morning, they stopped feeling like doctors and they felt more like parents who were going to begin the darkest journey of their lives. They knew Ava could get better, but it didn't change how scary any of this was. When the nurse had come in to start Ava's IV their daughter had screamed and cried.

She had never liked shots and now needles were going to be apart of her life and it wasn't fair. Regardless, she had to put on a brave face as she and her husband sat with their little girl who was now hiding her face and crying. "Ava..."

"It hurts." Ava cried, holding tightly onto Meredith's arm.

"Still?" Meredith frowned, knowing her little girl was more scared of the needle then actually still hurting from it.

"I don't want it." She shook her head.

"Look at me Ava..."

"What?" Tears ran down the little girls face.

"It only hurts for a little bit...the doctors are trying to help you get better."

"It's giving you medicine so that you can feel better." Derek told his daughter.

"Remember how we told you that things might hurt for a while and make you sick but one day you'll wake up and be better?" Meredith whispered.

"Yeah..." Ava sniffled.

"It'll just be hard at first." Meredith assured her.

"But it hurts!"

"Ava...what if Daddy does this?" Derek kissed her arm close to where the IV was.

"A little." Ava pouted.

"Only a little?"

"Yeah." Ava whimpered.

"What about this..." He smiled, kissing her cheek and then blowing and making a loud noise.

"Daddy!" Ava giggled.

"I knew that would help." Derek laughed.

"Daddy am I gonna be bald?"

"What?" Derek breathed, looking over at Meredith.

"Hunter said I was gonna be bald but he would cut his hair off so I wouldn't be sad." Ava explained.

"Sometimes when people get sick with Leukemia they lose their hair." Meredith told her little girl. "You will probably lose your hair but you will be just as beautiful."

"Oh." Ava sighed.

"But that's okay." Meredith assured her.

"Are you coming with me in surgery?"

"No Sweetie but Alex and Arizona will be." Meredith replied.

"Why?" She started to whimper again.

"Because they're your doctors."

"I want you and Daddy."

"I know...but we can't, pumpkin." Derek whispered. "But we'll be here when you get out."

"Promise?"

"We promise." Meredith breathed.

"You're just going to go to sleep for a little while." Derek told her.

"And then you can have as much ice cream or chicken nuggets as your little heart desires." Meredith wrapped her arms around her little girl.

"Can I have gummy bears?" Ava breathed.

"Of course baby girl." Meredith kissed her cheek.

"Just the red ones."

"Only the best." Meredith giggled.

"Can I have some too" Derek asked.

"Yes Daddy."

"Thank you." He laughed, running his hand over her head.

"Can Hunter have some too?" Ava asked, playing with her mother's hair.

"When we get back to Grandma's." Derek nodded.

"In three sleeps." Ava replied. They had done a lot of talking to her about what she could expect.

"Exactly."

"I don't like this." Ava looked down at her hand, her free fingers started to pick around the medical tape that was holding her IV in place. "Off."

"Ava...no...no you can't do that." Derek took her hand.

"I don't like it."

"I know...I don't either."

"Take it off." Ava held her hand out to Meredith.

"No Ava." Meredith moved her daughter's arm. "Remember? We have to keep it on."

"No." The little girl shook her head, pulling at it again.

"Ava." Derek moved onto the edge of her bed. "You have to leave that on okay? It's going to give you the medicine so you feel better faster."

"I don't like shots."

"Remember what I told you about shots?"

"Refresh her." Meredith looked up.

"They only hurt for a second. But when its over...you get a cool princess bandaid." Derek smiled. "And then you don't feel sick anymore."

"Then I'll be all better!"

"Then you'll be all better." Derek breathed.

"Everything is going to be fine...even when it seems scary...Daddy and I will be here to make sure that you're always okay." Meredith breathed, smelling her little girl's long blonde hair.

"Hey guys." Arizona came into the pre-op room in her scrubs.

"Is it time already?" Derek looked up at her.

"It is." Arizona nodded. "Hi Ava."

"Hi." Ava waved the hand that didn't have the IV in it.

"I'm going to let your Mommy and Daddy say bye and then we're going to go have your surgery." Arizona nodded at Meredith and Derek.

"Okay..." Derek breathed.

"Ava, Daddy and I are going to wait here and we'll be here right when you wake up." Meredith leaned over.

"Goodnight kisses." Ava puckered her lips.

"We'll see you soon." Derek whispered, giving her a kiss. "I love you Ava."

"Love you Daddy...Love you Mommy."

"Love you Ava." Meredith's eyes teared up as she kissed her little girl's nose.

"We'll keep you updated." Arizona nodded.

"Thank you." Meredith nodded, standing as the nurses wheeled Ava's bed out.

"Bye Ava." Derek breathed, standing in the doorway.

"We'll take you to the room she is going to be in for a few days when she's out of surgery and after you talk to Dr. Robbins." The nurse replied, before rushing out of the room.

"Thank you." Derek whispered, his voice cracking.

"God..." Meredith turned against the wall.

"She's going to be okay." He wrapped his arms around her.

"It's not fair."

"I know...I know it's not."

"She has cancer."

"She's going to beat cancer." He whispered, holding her against him.

"I just...gosh..."

"I know."

"She just started kindergarten and then...I'm researching homeschooling programs for her to work on when she's doing chemo...that isn't fair for my five year old."

"It isn't." Derek whispered, running his fingers through her hair. "But she's brave...she's...we're going to make it through this."

"I should call and check on the kids."

"Okay."

"I'll be back." Meredith reached for her purse and rushed out of the room. She couldn't break down right now. Not when her little girl was about to start the fight for her life. Meredith would give anything to fight this for her and it killed her that she couldn't take the cancer away. So Meredith was going to be strong and show her little girl that she would be just fine.

_Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
>And I thought that being strong meant never losin' your self-control<em>


	11. Chapter 11

Ava had been in surgery for over three hours. It had been three hours and absolute torture and Derek had no idea when it was going to be over. Alex had come out a few times to update them and the last time he had come out, he had told them that they were having more trouble removing the mass then they had expected and the surgery would be a lot longer than anticipated. He had updated his mom and

the rest of his family at home but right now all he wanted was for Alex or Arizona or anyone to come out and tell him that his daughter was okay and it wasn't happening.

"Mark is going to take Hunter to the park to distract him." Derek breathed, reading a text message off of his phone to Meredith. He had to be at the hospital with Meredith but it was killing him that he couldn't be at home to comfort Hunter too.

"Good...okay..." Meredith shifted, looking at her watch. "What if they nicked her bowel?"

"They would have told us..."

"Maybe she's bleeding too much and..."

"It's just what Alex said. They're having more trouble removing it...and she'll be out soon." Derek breathed.

"Did Mark mention how Zola was doing with your Mom and Lexie?"

"He said she's a little fussy but okay."

"Okay."

"Hunter keeps asking if he can come and see her." Derek sighed.

"I'm sure tomorrow is fine if he and Zola don't have a fever or a cold."

"It's been more than three and a half hours." He whispered, checking his watch.

"What if..."

"I just...they would have told us if anything was wrong..."

"That's what we would do." Meredith shrugged, standing up.

'And so would Arizona."

"She could be seizing."

"Meredith." Derek stood up, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"Derek..." Meredith gasped, her chest feeling tight.

"She's okay...she's in good hands."

"I just...my chest feels tight..." Meredith breathed, running her hand over her chest.

"Take a deep breath." He whispered.

"Meredith...Derek..." Arizona walked out of two doors, Alex following behind her.

"Arizona." Derek turned around, holding onto Meredith's hand tightly.

"We were able to remove the mass." Arizona crossed her arms. The surgery put a lot of stress on her small body and there were signs that the cancer has spread beyond her stomach. I will do another scan after a few rounds of chemo. I feel that her stomach was the biggest concern."

"Oh..." Meredith breathed.

"Spread...I thought...the doctor in Seattle said it was the stomach and the neck..." Derek whispered.

"We saw growth cells." Alex replied.

"I have faith that we can get most of with the chemo." Arizona added.

"I…how is she?"

"She's still sleeping and she'll be given heavier pain medication for the next few hours so she'll be alert once she awakes but pretty out of it. The Hickman Line is going to cause her some slight aching until her body adjusts." Arizona said slowly. "She's going to need her parents by her side when she wakes up...to hold her hand."

"Can we see her?" Meredith asked.

"They're getting her setlled in a room. A nurse will come take you to her when they're ready."

"Okay..." Meredith nodded.

"She did great." Arizona assured them.

"Thank you...both of you."

"You know where to find me if you need anything." She smiled sympathetically. "Alex will be monitoring her...I have another surgery this afternoon but you have my number."

"I'm going to go check and make sure she is settled in...I'll send the nurse down as soon as I can." Alex smiled.

"Thanks." Derek nodded.

"Hold tight." Arizona smiled, before she and Alex walked away.

"She's okay." He whispered.

"I just want to see her."

"A few more minutes."

"I need to be there when she wakes up Derek."

"We will."

"She's going to hate that catheter."

"Meredith Grey...Derek Shepherd?" A nurse came around the corner, holding a chart.

"Yes?" Meredith turned around, reminding herself to thank Alex.

"Ava is settled if you want to follow me to her room."

"We're coming." Meredith breathed, reaching for her bag.

"She's not awake yet." The nurse told them as they walked towards the room.

"It's good if she's resting." Meredith walked quickly.

"Now she's going to be quite groggy when she wakes up but she shouldn't be in any pain." The nurse stopped in front of a room and opened the door.

"Ava..." Derek breathed, looking at his little girl lying in the hospital bed. She had tubes coming out of her in what seemed like every direction and was hooked up to numerous machines and it took everything Derek had in him to keep it together.

"Ava...baby girl." Meredith whispered, stroking Ava's hair as she sat down on the other side of the bed.

"Hit the button by her bed if you need anything." The nurse smiled before leaving.

"Hey pumpkin..." Derek breathed. "It's Mommy and Daddy."

"We're here." Meredith took her hand.

"You just sleep as long as you need, okay?"

"She looks so little in this bed."

"She looks so helpless." He breathed.

"I'm a doctor and I can't...I've never been more intimidated by wires."

"She's going to be scared."

"But we're going to be here." Meredith breathed, moving to sit next to her little girl.

"We're here." Derek whispered, running his hand over Ava's arm.

"Ava...you did such a good job with your surgery. Now Daddy and I are here and we're going to stay here." Meredith kissed her little girl's cheek. "We're here Ava so you can wake up now."

"Hmm...' Ava made a noise and her eyes fluttered open a little bit.

"Hey there princess." Derek smiled softly, running his thumb over her cheek.

"Hi sweetie." Meredith breathed.

"Mommy..."

"Hi little lady." Meredith breathed.

"Mommy." Ava started to cry.

"Ava..."

"It's okay, Aves." Derek whispered, stroking her arm gently.

"We're here." Meredith kissed her cheek.

"I want to go home." Their little girl cried.

"Oh I know..." Meredith wiped at her eyes.

"Ouchie..." Ava winced.

"What hurts, sweetie?" Derek asked.

"Ouch..." Ava cried.

"I thought they gave her medicine." He frowned. looking up at Meredith.

"I'm sure they did." Meredith looked up at the IV.

"Ava, tell me what hurts."

"Hmph..."

"Where?"

"No..." Ava whined, her eyes closing again.

"We brought you gummy bears."

"Sweetie...if you tell us what hurts we might be able to help." Meredith stroked the small child's hair as she fell back to sleep. "Or...well she's sleeping again."

"She needs the rest." He sighed.

"I just want to hold onto her."

"I know."

"Never let go...or..."

"Mer..."

"Hmm?"

"I don't think Hunter should see her like this."

"I agree." She looked up. "He's going to see her...he'll see her sick enough as it is but this...he's not ready."

"We're not even ready." Derek sighed.

"Ava Sophia..."

"I um...I should call my Mom...and Mark...let them know she's out of surgery."

"Yeah..."

"Do you want a coffee or..."

"Not really hungry or thirsty." Meredith placed her head on the pillow, before stroking Ava's arm.

"I'll be back as fast as I can." Derek whispered, putting a hand on Meredith's shoulder.

"Alright."

"I love you Ava." He breathed.

"She loves you too..."

"I'll be back." Derek breathed, standing in the doorway for a moment and looking at his daughter, lying helplessly in the hospital bed. Before her surgery, he had thought he would be okay. He was around surgeries and recovering patients and all the time and knew what it looked like but there was nothing in the world that could have prepared him to see his little girl lying there in pain.


	12. Chapter 12

"Do you have any...threes?" Derek asked his little girl, sitting in her hospital room. It had been two days since she had surgery and she was doing really well. There had been no complications and she was getting stronger each day. There were still plenty of moments when she was in pain or wanted to leave the hospital but overall, Derek couldn't have been happier about how well she was doing.

"Go fish Daddy." Ava yawned.

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" He asked, picking a card from the pile. It was so nice for him to spend time with his daughter, playing cards and distracting her from everything that was going on, but more than anything he wanted her to get her rest and get better.

"No Daddy." Ava sighed like her mother as she pulled at one of her pig tails. "Do you have any princesses?"

"Go fish."

"Aw man." Ava groaned. She knew they were queens but she thought princess' were a lot better.

"Sorry Aves." Derek laughed. "Do you have any fives?"

"Here." Ava handed him a card, before leaning back against her pillow.

"Thank you."

"Hey..." Meredith walked into the room, wrapping her sweater around her body.

"Look who's here." Derek smiled.

"Mommy!" Ava grinned.

"Hi sweety..." Meredith sat down next to her little girl on the bed.

"Daddy and me are playing Go Fish."

"That sounds like fun." Meredith ran a hand over her little girl's forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"All better." Ava answered proudly.

"Let me look at your incision."

"The nurse came in and checked it a little while ago." Derek told her.

"How was her swelling." Meredith lifted Ava onto her lap.

"Going down."

"I'll look in a little while." Meredith sighed.

"I can go home now." Ava looked up at Meredith.

"I wish you could." Meredith breathed.

"Ava I think Mommy brought you something." Derek changed the subject.

"I did." Meredith reached for the bag she had brought in. "When I walked downstairs I went to the gift shop and they had this stuffed monkey."

"Thanks Mommy!"

"I think we should name it Mark." Derek teased.

"That's not a name for a monkey Daddy!"

"No?"

"No." Ava giggled.

"Oh...I thought it was." He laughed.

"Well what are we going to name the monkey?" Meredith lifted the stuffed animal that was not only fluffy and soft, but also wearing a tuxedo.

"Henry." Ava told them.

"Henry the Monkey." Meredith giggled.

"Yeah." Ava laughed.

"Guess what Zola did today Ava?" Meredith asked, tossing her phone into one of the cushioned chairs.

"What?" Her little girls eyes got big.

"She got into the lotion that Hunter left where she could reach it and it got all over her...even in her hair! So grandma had to give her a bath."

"Silly Zo." Ava giggled, wincing slightly.

"You okay?" Derek asked, running his hand over Ava's hair.

"I don't like this..." Ava pointed to the intravenous catheter.

"I know, pumpkin."

"Take it off."

"I can't Ava."

"Sweetie remember Alex told you to count to ten whenever you got upset with it?" Meredith breathed, stroking Ava's hair.

"You're doing so good, Ava,." Derek whispered.

"You are." Meredith agreed.

"Do you want to keep playing cards?"

"No." Ava shrugged.

"That's the five year old attention span for you." Meredith laughed.

"Okay...then I win." Derek laughed, putting the cards away.

"No I win!" Ava laughed.

"Nope...you gave up."

"But Mommy says you always let us win because you think we're pretty."

"I..." Meredith gasped.

"Mommy told you that?" Derek smirked, looking at Meredith.

"Yep."

"I may...have told her that." Meredith giggled.

"Okay...you can win." Derek kissed Ava's cheek.

"Yay!"

"But next time I'm going to win."

"Nuh uh." Ava laughed, but then it quickly turned into coughing.

"Ava..." Derek frowned.

"Okay...maybe we should calm down." Meredith said quietly, patting Ava's back. "Arizona said she may start coughing a lot."

"Mommy?"

"Yes Ava?"

"I want to go home."

"Hopefully tomorrow." Meredith replied.

"I don't like the hospital." Ava sighed, coughing again.

"You liked coming to work with us." Meredith whispered.

"I like the cafeteria."

"Maybe we can go down there later if Arizona says its okay." Derek told her.

"Ooh and maybe get some jello." Meredith laughed, kissing Ava's cheek. "And when I spoke to Grandma...she said she's going to make you whatever you want when you come home so you have to tell me so I can let her know."

"Really?" Ava smiled.

"Yep and dessert."

"Okay."

"And Hunter is so excited to see you."

"Can we give him a monkey too?" Ava asked, holding tightly onto the stuffed animal.

"I think we can do that." Derek smiled.

"They even have a baby monkey down there that we could get for Zo."

"Yeah!"

"Hey guys...I've come to run more tests on Ava." Alex arrived in the doorway.

"Oh...hey." Meredith smiled weakly.

"No." Ava shook her head, grabbing onto Derek's hand.

"This test doesn't hurt at all...promise." Alex held out his pinky. "And actually I need your help with some chocolate pudding too. As soon as we're done I'll bring you right back."

"Pudding?"

"Yeah...but you have to come with me for your MRI first." Alex shrugged.

"Ava...Daddy and I will be right here when you get back."

"Okay..." Ava breathed.

"Love you Ava." Meredith breathed, standing up from the bed so Alex could help their little girl into the wheel chair.

"Bye Mommy."

"Bye." Meredith sat back down on the bed.

"Bye Ava." Derek breathed as Alex rolled her out of the room.

"She seems to be doing better."

"Yeah..."

"I want to take her home."

"Tomorrow will be three days."

"Hopefully we get out of here because I miss Zola and Hunter...plus I think Ava is hating this place."

"I'm hating it too." He breathed.

"She's pretty cute though."

"She is."

"Hmm...she reminds me of you."

"Really?" Derek breathed.

"Yeah." Meredith smiled. "Just the way she carries herself...the way she jokes around."

"But she looks like you." He laughed, picking up the stuffed monkey.

"She looks like us."

"She's a brave little girl." He whispered.

"She is."

"Hmm..."

"I just want her to get better and I will do whatever it takes even if it means getting up and moving to...Germany."

"Luckily I don't think we'll have to do that."

"She'll get better."

"She will." Derek nodded, holding onto the monkey that his daughter had named Henry. She was getting better each day and he could see it with his own eyes but he wasn't ready for what was going to come next. She was doing okay now but he knew that once the chemo started she would be sicker than she'd ever been in her life and their stays in the hospital would be even longer and even harder and he was dreading putting his little girl through it.


	13. Chapter 13

"Her name was Zola...she was a show girl..." Meredith had a horrible voice but for some reason her baby thought it was the biggest reason to laugh. She loved that baby's laugh and after the past week they had experienced Meredith needed this. They had been home from the hospital for four days and while things had been better at home, it didn't help that everything was changing and Hunter was going to start his new school in the morning. The school was within walking distance to the home and it was the same school Derek had attended when he was little. It had been a dream of Derek's for his kids to go to the same school he had gone to but when they had picked up and left their family and friends for jobs in Seattle that dream was put to rest. Now though, Hunter was doing just what her husband had originally wanted, but it wasn't under their ideal circumstances.

Being back at his mother's was better than the hospital could ever be but there was a tension looming over the home. Nobody was mad, it was just different. Zola was all over the place which was great, but keeping them busy. Hunter was excited and a little nervous to go to school and they often found him asking the hardest questions. He didn't understand why it was his little sister that got sick.

Then there was Ava. Their girly and bouncy five year old was struggling with just that. She wanted to be up and playing but Arizona had told them she needed to lay low and take it easy. After her follow up on Wednesday they were going to schedule her first chemo treatment. It was all waying too heavily on the home and everyone noticed. Meredith wasn't sure what to think as she lifted Zola from the

floor where she had changed her. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" Derek asked, looking up from the book that he was reading. Ava was asleep upstairs and Hunter was in the other room, playing quietly by himself.

"Did you give Ava her pain medication?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "She gets another one in two hours."

"She's been sleeping a while...she'll be up soon." Meredith kissed Zola's cheek before sliding her onto Derek's lap.

"Hey Zo." Derek smiled, making faces at the baby.

"Da!"

"Oh yeah?" He laughed, bouncing her on this lap.

"Bo...Be...Boo!" Zola clapped, before covering her face. "Da!"

"Zo!"

"Derek...Meredith..." His mother walked in with a plate of baked goods and sat them on the old wooden coffee table. "I've made some cookies...brownies and a few other goodies that I'll sit in here."

"Thanks Mom." Derek smiled. "Zo...say thanks Grandma!"

"Ga!"

"You are very welcome Zola."

"Wave Zo." Derek laughed, waving Zola's little hand at his mom.

"She certainly is sweet."

"She is." Meredith smiled.

"Mom!" Hunter came running into the living room.

"What?" Meredith looked up quickly.

"When's Ava gonna be up? I wanna play video games!"

"She'll be up soon but go ahead and play without her." Meredith breathed, ruffling his hair at the same time.

"That's no fun."

"I know Hunter but she's recovering from surgery and we really need her to get her rest, remember?"

"But she can sit down and play, Mom." Hunter frowned.

"I can play with you, bud." Derek offered.

"Okay but...can you at least try to play well this time?" Hunter sighed.

"Hunter there are treats on the table." Mrs. Shepherd pointed. "Your very favorite."

"Ooh...brownies." Hunter grinned, grabbing one.

"What do you want to play?" Derek asked as Meredith took Zola.

"Probably my pirates game." Hunter jumped in front of the television.

"I'm good at that one."

"No you're not." Meredith giggled as his mother left the room when the buzzer in the kitchen went off.

"Yes I am." Derek grabbed the second video game controller.

"Okay." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Are you excited for school?" Derek asked while Hunter loaded the game.

"A little bit."

"It's going to be great."

"I wish Ava was going."

"She'll be here when you get home."

"And you can tell her all about it." Meredith added.

"That's not the same." Hunter sighed.

"I know..." Meredith sighed.

"Ready to play buddy?" Derek tried to distract him.

"Yeah."

"Okay...wait...what are we doing?"

"Derek..." Meredith giggled.

"Dad...wave the controller..." Hunter laughed.

"Right." Derek nodded, waving his hand erratically.

"Der you look silly." Meredith laughed.

"This is harder then I remember." He groaned.

"Dad...point it at the tv." Hunter laughed as his character in the game began to score more points.

"Okay...this is not fair." Derek waved the controller around.

"Hi Mommy." Ava yawned as she walked into the room, then hopped up on the couch next to Meredith. "Grandma said you were in here."

"Grandma was right." Meredith kissed her nose.

"Ava...Daddy is not doing so well in this game." Derek laughed as Hunter jumped and down and the game ended.

"Because you're not good at the pirate game." Ava laughed as she wrapped her arms around Meredith and Zola.

"I win." Hunter grinned, reaching for Ava's arm. "Come play with me!"

"Okay!" Ava shot up quickly.

"Ava...take it easy." Derek breathed.

"Kay!" Ava jumped.

"I said easy."

"The game is easy Daddy!" Avan laughed, taking the controller.

"Hunter…Ava..." Derek's mother came in quickly with her apron on. "I've made some sugar cookies...how about you come help me ice those?"

"That sounds like a better idea." Derek nodded.

"Can we eat the cookies too?" Hunter asked, putting the controllers on the coffee table.

"If it's okay with your Mom and Dad." Mrs. Shepherd smiled.

"That's fine just...Ava you need to lay down if you get tired or a tummy ache."

"Let me take Zola." His mother walked closer, lifting her hands out.

"Here." Meredith kissed the baby's nose and then handed her to Mrs. Shepherd.

"Cookies!" Ava grabbed her brother's hand and hurried into the kitchen.

"Ava..." Meredith stopped when she realized her little girl couldn't hear her.

"She'll be fine." Derek breathed, sitting back on the sofa in the now quiet living room.

"She needs to be laying down."

"A few minutes will be okay." He gestured for her to come sit with him.

"I hope she at least eats a cookie."

"All of our kids are happy."

"Yeah..." Meredith walked over to the corner of the room where one of Zola's toys was lying.

"Hey...come here."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Zola's toys are everywhere."

"It's alright."

"Well I need to get them up."

"Okay..."

"Mommy!" Ava came running in, only stopping when she began to cough.

"Ava...calm down. Arizona said running when you're too tired can make you cough." Meredith sighed.

"What is it, pumpkin?" Derek asked, picking her up.

"I iced a cookie like a giraffe...can we go to the zoo?"

"No sweetie."

"I want to." Ava rubbed her arm, where a dark black and blue bruise had formed.

"Ava..." Meredith breathed.

"Where did that come from?" Derek whispered, running his hand over the bruise.

"I don't know." Ava shrugged. "Why can't I go to the zoo?"

"Because you just had surgery." He told her.

"But I wanna."

"We can't."

"Then can I wear my tutu?" Ava sighed, causing her parents to smile. She was usually so easy to please and her attention often changed quickly.

"Come on...I'll help you put it on." Meredith shook her head.

"Okay." Ava smiled as Meredith took her from Derek's arms.

"We'll be back." Meredith smiled weakly.

"I'll be here." Derek sat back down on the sofa, hearing Meredith talk to Ava quietly as they went up stairs and hearing his son laughing in the kitchen with his mom. Anybody watching from the outside would have thought that they seemed like the perfect family with no problems and nothing to worry about it but the thought of chemo was looking large in the back of everyone's minds.

"We're all done." Meredith announced, walking back into the room with Ava on her hip.

"Pink tutu and all." He smiled.

"Ava...do you want something to eat?" Meredith asked, holding her little girl close.

"Can I have fishie sticks?"

"You can!" Meredith smiled, so relieved that her little girl was going to have lunch.

"And rice?" Ava asked.

"Of course." Meredith's shoulders seemed much more relaxed then before. "Derek..."

"Hmm?"

"Would you mind making the rice?"

"Not at all."

"And cookies!" Ava added.

"You can have some cookies for dessert." Derek laughed.

"How does that sound Ava?"

"Yummy." Ava smiled.

"Good." Meredith grinned.

"What about carrots?" Derek offered his daughter.

"Eww."

"Okay okay. Just fish sticks and rice."

"Alright Ava...you walk and tell grandma that we're going to get you lunch...we'll be in." Meredith replied.

"Kay Mommy."

"Here." Meredith put her down, before looking at her husband.

"Walk...don't run Ava." Derek told her.

"She scares me." Meredith groaned.

"I wish she could just be a kid."

"She is...right now."

"I'll get her food."

"Okay." Meredith sighed/

"Why don't you lie down for a little bit...get some rest." Derek suggested to her.

"I actually need to go and unpack some of the kid's things."

"You take it easy too, okay?"

"Okay." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious." Derek laughed.

"Got it." Meredith pulled away.

"I'll be back soon."

"Me too." Meredith replied, walking up the stairs. She needed to unpack the rest of the children's things because this needed to be their normal and life wouldn't be normal if they were living out of boxes and suitcases. Derek's mom was wonderful and right now that was what kept her going. Knowing that amongst all this worry, they had help. They weren't going to be alone.


	14. Chapter 14

Derek was still having trouble comprehending that the next day, his daughter was going to begin chemotherapy. He was going to have to sit in the hospital and watch as they pumped poison into her little body and make her feel sicker than she had ever felt in order to get the cancer out of her body. He knew it was necessary and there was no other choice but he wasn't fully prepared to watch her

go through that.

Meredith had been tiring herself out doing everything that she could to keep everything as normal as possible in the house and Derek could see that it was taking his toll on her and now, the fact that the chemo was going to start the next day was wearing them all down.

"They're all asleep...all three of them." Derek came back into the kitchen where his Mom was sitting at a table in the kitchen flipping through a magazine. He had just gotten home from taking Hunter to school and when he had gone upstairs, Meredith was asleep on their bed with Ava and Zola on either side of her.

"Well all three of them look exhausted." Mrs. Shepherd replied.

"They do." Derek sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Coffee?" His mother stood.

"Sure."

"Ava has gotten a lot of rest today."

"Arizona said the more she sleeps the better."

"Well then she's doing what she can."

"Yeah."

"What's on your mind?" She knew her son was a million miles away in his mind and all she could do was listen.

"I just can't believe this is all happening...all of our plans..." He breathed.

"Tell God your plans and God laughs...but only because he has a plan of his own for you."

"We were trying for another baby."

"It's not too late...when all of this passes."

"I don't know..." Derek sighed, shaking his head.

"Ava is going to be okay." She signed, rubbing his back.

"It's not fair."

"It doesn't appear that way."

"It's just..."

"What?"

"I would give anything to be able to do this for her...but there isn't a single thing that I can do." He breathed as his mom placed a mug of hot coffee in front of him and sat back down with her own cup.

"I think we all would."

"She was supposed to be okay...she just had a virus..."

"Derek...you are here for the best care and because all of the people that love and care for you are here. You're going to get through it and so is Ava."

"I'm trying really hard to believe that."

"She will be okay." His mother took of a sip of her coffee. "I feel it in my heart."

"She's five...she's supposed to be running around outside playing...riding bikes and scraping her knees...And instead she's getting ready for chemo."

"I wish I had all the answers and I do know that we have to have faith but...this Derek is the first time I don't know exactly what to say." His mother breathed. "I can just do what I do best...and be here."

"I know." Derek took a breath.

"And we're going to get her through this...and she's going to be one strong little girl...and I'll say it even on the toughest day. I'll say it until I am blue in the face but I'm not giving my grandbaby up without a fight."

"We um...we have a lot to figure out."

"What is on the list?"

"Schedules...who's going to be here and who's going to stay at the hospital..."

"Well tomorrow you and Meredith need to be with her. Mark has already said he and Lexie will take Hunter to his first day. I will keep Zola and you will be home before Hunter gets home so I feel like you or Meredith should make sure to pick him up."

"There's a chance Ava will have to be in the hospital overnight...if that happens...can you pick him up?" Derek asked.

"Of course."

"I hope we don't have to stay...they'll be plenty of other times that we'll have to be there for days."

"Well it depends on how she feels."

"Hunter asked me the other day if she was going to die..." Derek looked at his mom.

"Oh wow."

"I...I couldn't lie and tell him no." He whispered.

"Derek..."

"She has cancer...and she's...I have to believe she's going to be fine but..." Derek trailed off.

"You tell him that no matter what she will be taken care of."

"She'll be okay."

"She will."

"It's a lot to comprehend." He sighed.

"You know your father is going to watch over her."

"Hmm."

"And someone will always be around." His mother sat back down after going to get the creamer.

"Thank you Mom."

"And I have to say despite the rough circumstances I adore my grandchildren and love having them close."

"They like being here."

"I enjoyed taking Zola to the grocery with me...she managed to wrap every man in the meat department around her finger with that gorgeous smile." His mother laughed, holding the warm mug firmly in her hand.

"We're going to have to be careful when she gets older." Derek laughed weakly.

"You truly will." She laughed.

"Who knows if we'll have another one now."

"Have you talked to Meredith about this?"

"She has enough on her mind already."

"Well she still has several years before she will be considered even possibly too old to have children. You two were trying so maybe she will appreciate a conversation on the status of that." His mother explained.

"She's trying to take on everything by herself...I don't think adding one more thing to the mix is a good idea."

"I don't think you should resume trying right away but what about a year or two down the road when Ava is fully recovered?" She asked. Carolyn Shepherd knew when she was prying but there were times where she was right to do so.

"I don't know, Mom."

"I'm just saying it can't hurt to have a discussion on where that idea stands."

"I...I don't know."

"Maybe tomorrow after Ava's chemotherapy I can watch her and Zola while you and Meredith take a walk...get some air."

"That would be nice."

"Just because you need a moment to yourselves and I know you won't leave Ava to go out to dinner." His mother suggested. "Although you are more than welcome to do so."

"Thank you...but no."

"And I will put on some chicken soup and make fresh rolls when you leave tomorrow morning."

"Okay." Derek nodded. "Thank you."

"I read its best to try and make sure she eats no matter what."

"We'll see how that goes. It's hard enough right now."

"Well each trip to the grocery store I get anything I can think of because whatever she wants...she gets."

"I don't care what she eats as long as she eats." Derek sighed.

"Honey rolls seem to be her favorite."

"And fish sticks."

"Her favorite food." The older woman laughed as she got up to hug her son.

"Thank you for everything, Mom." Derek breathed.

"Don't thank me...it's what mothers are for."

"I guess that's why Meredith feels like she has to do everything."

"It is."

"I just wish she wouldn't try to take everything on herself." Derek looked down at his coffee mug.

"It's a hard thing for her to do as Meredith let alone as Ava's mother."

"She's completely worn herself out and the chemo hasn't even started..."

"It's going to be very hard on everyone."

"I just...if she's like this now...what's going to happen in a few weeks when we're at the hospital every day?"

"You will take care of each other...and I'll take care the both of you."

"I don't know what we would do without all of your help. "

"You would manage just fine."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"I am."

"I should go upstairs and see how they're doing...and I could use a nap myself." Derek smiled weakly.

"Go rest up son."

"Thanks." He sighed, hugging his mother.

"Now I thnk I hear Zola..."

"That's my cue."

"It is." The older woman laughed, patting her son on the back. "Bring her down here in a bit...I want to kiss those cheeks."

"I will." Derek laughed weakly, leaving the kitchen. The amount of time until Ava's chemo was getting closer and closer with each minute and with each minute Derek was feeling even worse about it. His daughter was five. She wasn't supposed to know what cancer or chemotherapy was. But she did, or she was going to and they were going to have to get through it, luckily with the help and support of his mom and the rest of their family.

_And when I feel alone  
>And I think I can't go on<br>I hear him sayin' Son you'll be alright  
>Everything's gonna be alright<em>


	15. Chapter 15

When they had returned from the hospital, the first thing their little girl had done was curl up in the bed next to Meredith and fall asleep. She had been sleeping on and off for the past few hours which was expected as her body tried to process the chemo drugs. They had worried about nausea, but after a small bout in the hospital with no vomiting, they had sent her home and told them to watch her closely. Arizona had prescribed Zofran and said that there was a good chance she may have ups and downs as her body reacts. Then, his mother had come in and suggested that she stay with the kids while they escape for a short walk. At first Meredith had refused but after an assuring look from Derek she agreed. Ava was sleeping and they did need a moment to themselves. She missed her husband and they were so used to their time together. She missed her husband even though he was right there. They had focused everything on Ava and now she just needed a moment with the man that had taught her that love and family were all possible in the first place. "So um...the kids seem to like being here."

"I think it's a good thing for them to have so much family around right now." Derek breathed, holding onto Meredith's hand as they walked down the street.

"And Hunter seems to be liking school."

"I knew he would."

"His teacher did a great job helping him adjust." She breathed, looking down at her feet as they walked.

"She did." He nodded.

"And we need to give Ava a bath tonight...six hours in the hospital when it was all said and done reminds me how gross a hospital is. I never notice it when I'm working but when our kids are the patients..."

"It's disgusting."

"Ava liked her nurses today."

"Yeah..." Derek sighed.

"Although I thought she'd be making friends with other five year old's at this point in school."

"You and me both."

"And then Zola...she's so little and she probably thinks we're horrible parents just based on the past two weeks of her life and she doesn't know that we're trying to be really good but Ava's sick and I don't want her to hate us. Do you think...no there is no way a baby could hate..."

"Mer..." Derek breathed, stopping and taking her hands.

"Hey."

"Hi." He whispered.

"I'm rambling."

"You are." Derek chuckled, kissing her softly.

"It happens." She laughed against his lips before they turned to walk again.

"I'm sure Zola doesn't hate us."

"Halloween is in three weeks and I haven't even asked the kids what they want to be...what if Ava can't even go trick or treating? I mean she's not even allowed in grocery stores or malls because they don't want her getting sick."

"We can do something in the house for her."

"Unless she's in the hospital."

"I bet they have something for the kids." He said, walking along with his hand on her back.

"I just...I want her home for Christmas and Thanksgiving."

"I know. I do too."

"I had a lot of ideas how Ava's first year of kindergarten would be..."

"She'll have all of that eventually."

"I never thought I would be the homeschooling type of mom." Meredith laughed as they walked towards a large pond.

"It's kind of hot." Derek smirked.

"Oh is it?" Meredith rolled her eyes.

"It is."

"How exactly is it?" Meredith laughed as they stopped next to an old wooden bench that had been there since Derek had been a child.

"It's a sexy...naughty teacher thing." Derek laughed.

"You are a dirty man Derek." She breathed, leaning into him.

"Hmm..." He smiled, wrapping his arms around her.

"You know this morning I realized we haven't had sex since before we found out which is...I know that's bad to think and it makes you think that..."

"I know."

"We're not used to going this long although I have to say it's been the last thing I've wanted."

"Come here." He breathed, sitting down on the bench.

Hmm?"

"Sit with me."

"Sitting." She breathed, leaning into his shoulder.

"Good."

"This would be a perfect area for walking a dog."

"If we had a dog."

"Hunter asked your Mom for one."

"How did that conversation go?" Derek laughed.

"She said that was up to us one day."

"If it wasn't for the leukemia..."

"I hate that word."

"Me too."

"I hated seeing that first drip go into her line." Meredith whispered.

"It's going to make her better."

"Doesn't mean I have to like what it is going to do to her in the process."

"I know." Derek whispered, rubbing her back.

"I just...she looked scared today."

"But she was so brave."

"That she was."

'"And she seemed to be feeling okay."

"Just sleepy."

"Mmhmm."

"I've come to appreciate laying down with her while she naps even more now." Meredith breathed.

"She never used to nap at all...it was a struggle to get her to rest." Derek laughed weakly.

"Even in my belly she was bouncy...remember how you and Hunter called her jelly bean?"

"I do." Derek laughed.

"I remember with Hunter it was so hard and after the first three month of my pregnancy with her it was perfect."

"She was an easy baby."

"And now she's sick."

"But she's going to be okay." He said quickly.

"Right." Meredith nodded in agreement.

"Healthy as a horse."

"I'm going to end up being a silly helicopter parent who is constantly worried over everything she does." Meredith laughed.

"After this...I think we're allowed."

"Everything happened so fast."

"That's what I was saying to my mom." He sighed.

"I really hope I remembered to throw out the milk before we left."

"I do too."

"I packed everything so quickly."

"Hmm."

"Surprised I didn't forget anything?"

"No."

"I am."

"Okay...maybe a little."

"I thought so." She giggled, looking up at him.

"I love you." Derek whispered.

"I love you too."

"I probably haven't said that lately."

"We both have been a little overwhelmed."

"That's for sure."

"There has been zero us time which is fine because this...Ava is more important but it has been a big change for us too."

"And all of our plans..."

"We can't try for a baby."

"Not right now."

"I...we can't have another baby when our child has cancer."

"I know...and it's not something we even have to think about...but after..."

"We can talk about it after." She nodded.

"I still want it." He whispered.

"Confession?"

"Yeah."

"I had decided on names and nursery colors."

"Yeah? Tell me..."

"You'll laugh at me." Meredith breathed.

"No I won't." Derek promised.

"Well I like Kaiden or Tolliver for a boy."

"And for a girl?"

"I like Zoe, Savannah or Kendall." Meredith replied, kissed his cheek. "I have a few others too but we're not having a baby for a while now."

"I like Savannah." Derek smiled.

"I just feel like the Zola and Ava are really feminine or girly names so if we had another girl her name would have to fit in and I know that sounds stupid but I was just...I was bored one day before a surgery and I thought of it."

"I like it."

"And if we ever need another baby name...down the road we can consider it."

"Yeah..."

"But right now...our child has cancer."

"Our little girl." He whispered.

"And all three of our kids need us."

"Want to go home?"

"Hmm...maybe we can get some more quiet talk time before Ava and Zola wake up."

"Let's head back."

"Hunter will be home soon."

"I'm sure something exciting happened to him today." Derek chuckled.

"One of us will have to walk over and meet him." Meredith replied. They were in walking distance from the school but they still preferred that he didn't walk alone."

"I can do it."

"Alright." Meredith tucked her hand in Derek's as they began to walk. "Hmm...you know we could shower together tonight...if you want."

"I would love to."

"You know to conserve water...and just maybe get another moment to ourselves while the kids are asleep."

"That's why I married you...I like the way you think."

"Ooh...pinecone." Meredith ran over next to the pine tree that was growing over the sign for his mother's street.

"What?" Derek laughed.

"Just a random pinecone." Meredith bent over, picking it up.

"Okay..."

"You're laughing at me." Meredith frowned as he walked towards her.

"No...I like seeing you excited and happy."

"Can't a girl just pick up a pinecone?" Meredith teased as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Of course." Derek kissed her forehead.

"Okay...home." Meredith tossed the pinecone back before taking his hand.

"I bet they're both still asleep."

"Well then we can put Zola in the big bed and we can cuddle with both of them..."

"It's kind of nice being here...even though it's for..." Derek trailed off as they walked up the front path.

"I know what you mean." Meredith whispered almost as if she didn't want someone to hear.

"We're home..." Derek opened the front door to this mother's house.

"Where's your Mom?" Meredith looked around.

"I don't know." He closed the door, walking to the staircase. "Mom?"

"In your room!" His mother called.

"Our room..." Meredith breathed, knowing that was where Ava had last fallen asleep.

"Coming." Derek called back, heading up the stairs and into the bedroom where Ava was lying curled up in a ball on their bed, not asleep.

"She's been throwing up for the last five minutes." His mother replied, holding a plastic grocery bag in front of her.

"Ava..."

"Oh pumpkin..." Derek whispered, sitting next to her.

"Daddy..." Ava coughed before getting sick again.

"I'm going to get her some clear soda to settle her stomach." His mother stood. "I think it might help."

"Thanks Mom."

"Just stay with her." The older woman suggested before leaving the room.

"It's okay Aves." Derek breathed, rubbing her back.

"Ew." Ava winced.

"Just let it out Ava...it will be better than trying to fight it." Meredith held the bag in front of her little girl.

"I don't like this." Their little girl started to cry.

"I know baby girl." Meredith moved to sit behind Ava and put her in her lap. "But I'm here and I won't...Daddy and I won't leave your side."

"We're right here." Derek whispered.

"Maybe we should try the Zofran now."

"I'll go get it. It's on the table downstairs." Derek sighed, standing up

"Okay...Ava and I will wait here." Meredith kissed her little girl's head.

"We're going to make you feel better." Derek told his daughter, leaving the room to go get her medicine. They knew this would happen. They knew the second the nurse had put the medicine in the IV and it went into her little body that she would be sick. But they kept having to remind themselves that in the end it would be worth it, that the medicine was getting ridding of the cancer and she would feel really bad for a little while and then feel like herself again. But it was hard to believe when their daughter was getting sick and looking at them to help her feel better and there wasn't anything they could do but sit with her and wait it out.


	16. Chapter 16

"Zola's asleep again...she tossed her pacifier out of the crib." Derek walked back into his and Meredith's bedroom in his mom's house. It was three in the morning and he and Meredith were still wide awake. Ava had been getting sick since they had gotten home from their walk and now she was finally sleeping in Meredith's arms. They had called Arizona who had told them that this was perfectly normal and that they could increase her dose of Zofran a little bit to see if it helped. Unfortunately, the medicine had only helped for about an hour and then their little girl began to get sick again. It was a relief to see her sleeping and he and Meredith should have been doing the same thing, except every time they closed their eyes, they remained wide awake.

"She's funny." Meredith whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Zola's funny." Meredith replied, looking down at Ava who was sleeping quietly against her chest.

"She is." Derek slid back into their bed, running a hand over Ava's head.

"I'm so glad she's sleeping."

"She shouldn't have to deal with this." He sighed.

"But she is."

"She looks like nothing is wrong."

"For all she understands...there really isn't."

"Are you tired?" He asked.

"Not really."

"Me either."

"I don't think I would be able to sleep even if her stomach felt okay."

"I didn't think it would be this fast...the side effects..."

"Alex said it could be a few hours or after a few treatments." Meredith sighed, looking up at her husband.

"He also said it would go away after a day or two,,,or at least it normally does."

"None of this is normal."

"Derek..."

"Yeah?"

"It's normal for...what she's going through."

"I know...I know...I just...not handling this as well as I thought I could."

"I know."

"Sorry Ava." Derek whispered.

"Do you think Zola understands something is wrong?" Meredith asked, shifting Ava in her arms.

"No. I think she's too young."

"But she probably knows something..."

"I don't know."

"Oooh..." They heard Ava groan.

"Hey Aves." Derek whispered.

"Hi Daddy." Ava wiped at her eyes. "Hi Mommy."

"Hi Ava." Meredith bent her head to kiss Ava's head.

"How do you feel?" Derek asked, running his hand over her hair.

"My tummy's sick."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"How did you sleep?" Meredith asked.

"I'm still tired." Ava whispered.

"Well you can rest and sleep as much as you need to." Meredith breathed. She loved holding Ava which was something she had forgotten about the past few years. It had been at least 3 years since she had rocked Ava in her arms, but suddenly Meredith never wanted to let go.

"What time is it?" Their little girl rubbed her eyes.

"It's very late." Derek told her.

"Like eleven?" Ava asked. "Or later?"

"Later." Meredith giggled.

"Is Hunter sleeping too?"

"He is. He's in your room." Derek replied.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Do the stars still light up when people aren't looking?"

"They do."

"What about the bugs and the squirrels? Are they still outside when we are inside?"

"Yup."

"Wow."

"Pretty crazy, huh?" Meredith giggled.

"Yeah." Ava sighed.

"They have to sleep, too. Just like you." Derek laughed.

"No they don't..." Ava laughed.

"Yes they do. Or else they'd be really tired all the time."

"Is Zola sleeping?"

"She is." He nodded.

"Do you want a sip of your drink?" Meredith asked.

"No." Ava shook her head.

"Ava you got really sick and now you're dehydrated." Meredith whispered. "I just need you to take slow sips."

"I don't want it."

"Ava just a little sip."

"Please." Derek whispered.

"Please Ava..." Meredith breathed, kissing her little girl's head.

"Just a little tiny one." Derek handed her the cup of juice.

"Fine..." Ava groaned, rubbing her eyes again as she looked up at her parents.

"Thank you pumpkin."

"You're welcome." Ava took a little sip before resting her head against Meredith's chest. "Am I better?"

"Not yet." Derek sighed.

"Why?" Ava asked.

"You still need more medicine."

"Ooh man."

"I know." He chuckled.

"Hey Ava...your school stuff is going to come in the mail soon." Meredith added, running a hand over Ava's soft hair. "We can start home schooling when it does."

"I get to go to school?" Ava's face lit up.

"Well kind of..." Meredith explained. "I will be your teacher and we will do school together instead of going to a school."

"With Hunter too?"

"No Ava." Derek answered, hating to disappoint his daughter. "Hunter is going to school...you're going to do school at home."

"With Mommy?"

"With Mommy." He nodded.

"What about crafts?"

"Well Mommy isn't very good with arts and crafts but I guess I'll have to work on it won't I?" Meredith laughed, wiping at the tears that had come to her eyes.

"Why are you crying Mommy?" Ava frowned.

"Oh um...I'm not..."

"Don't cry." Ava kissed her cheek.

"No crying." Meredith breathed, hugging Ava close. "I love you Miss. Ava."

"Love you too Miss Mommy." Ava started to giggle.

"Will you take another sip?" Meredith looked up at Derek who was holding the sippy cup.

"Just one more."

"Good girl." Derek smiled, kissing the top of her head.

"Look." Ava lifted her princess top, pointing to the scar that was turning pink on her belly. "I gotta big boo boo still."

"It's getting better."

"Yucky."

"Daddy has a scar too." Derek pointed to his forehead.

"Wow." Ava ran her small fingers over Derek's scar.

"What do you think?"

"You're a tough guy."

"I am?" He laughed, looking up at Meredith.

"You are feeding your father's ego way too much." Meredith laughed.

"What's that mean?" Ava asked.

"It means Mommy thinks you're going to give me a big head." Derek laughed.

"Daddy..." Ava laughed.

"Do you want more juice?"

"No."

"Ava..." Meredith whispered.

"Are you sleepy?"

"No." Ava said quickly, even though they knew she probably was.

"No? Not at all?" Derek asked.

"Nope." Ava laid back against Meredith.

"I am." He faked a big yawn.

"Go to sleep Daddy."

"Ava...why don't you cuddle with Daddy to help him sleep. He likes to cuddle." Meredith said softly.

"I do." He nodded.

"Mmkay." Ava breathed, crawling into Derek's arms.

"And we can use the soft blankets." Meredith crawled next to Derek and Ava before lifting Ava's cup.

"One last sip?"

"No." She shook her head.

"Fine..." Meredith sighed.

"Daddy's really sleepy." Derek whispered. "Let's close our eyes."

"I wanna play Barbies." Ava yawned.

"We can play Barbies tomorrow."

"Where is the sun?"

"Sleeping." Meredith whispered.

"Like Daddy." Derek breathed.

"You're awake!" Ava laughed.

"Nope."

"Yeah huh!"

"Shh...sleep..."

"Sleep time." Meredith whispered, rubbing Ava's back.

"Sweet dreams, Ava." Derek kissed her head.

"Night." Ava whispered, before kissing Meredith's cheek. "Night Miss. Mommy."

"Night my Miss. Ava." Meredith giggled.

"She's out like a light." Derek whispered a few minutes later.

"Mmm...when I was little I used to watch her sleep...I did the same with Hunter and now Zola but...I can't believe I stopped watching her because she's so...I just feel better knowing she's right here."

"I know what you mean."

"We should sleep in case she ends up sick again...get our rest or whatever."

"Good idea."

"Love you."

"I love you too." Derek leaned over and kissed Meredith softly before laying back down with their daughter asleep in between them. It was hard to believe by looking at Ava that she was sick. He knew that eventually, anyone looking at her would be able to tell that something was wrong but it made it even harder to comprehend just what his daughter was going through.


	17. Chapter 17

It had been almost two weeks since Ava's first treatment and Derek was so glad to see her feeling better. She still got tired a lot easier than before and needed a lot more rest but she wasn't getting sick anymore. Things had been as normal as possible in the house. Hunter was getting used to his new school and Meredith planned on starting Ava on her homeschooling after the next treatment which

was scheduled for a week from then.

"Thanks for coming over, Amelia." Derek smiled, handing his sister a mug of coffee as they sat down in the living room. The house was quiet, like it was supposed to be at this time of day. But instead of being at school, Ava was taking a ride around town with his mom in an attempt to get her out of the house and give her a little change of scenery.

"No problem...the only other thing I would do on my day off is shop or go to the bar and neither one seemed like the best use of my time." Amelia joked.

"So I'm saving your money and your liver." Derek smiled.

"I knew I liked you."

"Yeah yeah." He laughed, taking a sip of his coffee.

"It's good that Mom took Ava on a ride to get her out of the house. She probably feels like she's being kept in a bubble."

"She kind of is."

"It sucks."

"It does." Derek sighed.

"She's going to get better." Amelia said confidently. "I know it."

"She's doing well...so far."

"Part of me wonders in what kind of fucked up world does my niece...who is only five get cancer? I mean I'm a brain surgeon and we both see cancer all the time and we

"Part of me wonders in what kind of fucked up world does my niece...who is only five get cancer? I mean I'm a brain surgeon and we both see cancer all the time and we're amazed and motivated but then Ava has cancer and it's screwed up." Amelia sighed.

"I've thought about that every day since she got diagnosed."

"Makes me feel shitty." Amelia replied, before sipping at her coffee.

"We should be drinking something stronger." Derek laughed weakly, looking down at his coffee.

"Could you imagine the look on Mom's face if she came home and found us drinking before eleven in the morning on a Saturday?"

"She'd smack the both of us."

"I'll spike her cranberry juice."

"Good luck with that one." He laughed.

"She loves me."

"That's how you got away with all of the crap you pulled in high school."

"Well after the shit you and Mark always pulled...I was practically a saint."

"We weren't that bad."

"You weren't that good."

"Shut up."

"Derek Christopher Shepherd!"

"You sound like Mom."

"Oh boy."

"I can't imagine doing this without all of you around." Derek breathed.

"It's what we're here for and I mean...you saved my life when I was stupid and young and...my point is that this family is coming together because Ava needs us. I would die for her Derek...if it meant she was okay." Amelia said slowly. "And it doesn't hurt that this is our chance to convince you guys to move back here."

"I should have known that was coming."

"Thought I should slip it in there."

"The kids whole life is in Seattle."

"But your whole life...I mean you and Meredith's life was here and when Hunter was a baby you left and it might be good for you guys to have family and all of your friends here. It's just the five of you in Seattle."

"We do have friends, Amelia."

"You know what I mean."

"Moving there was something we had to do." Derek shrugged his shoulders.

"Listen I did the move away and travel and party and now I took a job in the city...I kick ass at my job and I kind of secretly enjoy having family here." Amelia admitted. "Meredith's best friends are here. You have family...your butt buddy Mark is here."

"You're so sweet."

"I try." Amelia laughed, reaching for a muffin from the center of the table.

"I guess it's something to think about...once Ava's in remission." Derek leaned back on the couch.

"Besides...if Ava wants to have her scars fixed...so they don't appear as strong do you really think Mark is going to let anyone else do it?"

"You have a point there."

"And I need someone to help me out when Nancy attacks me for being too risky with my life."

"You're on your own with that one."

"Jerk."

"My daughter has cancer. The last thing I need is for my sister to do something stupid."

"What else could I possibly do that is more stupid from anything else I've done?"

"True." Derek laughed as the front door opened and Meredith and Hunter came in, their cheeks pink from the cool air."

"It's October and its freezing out there." Meredith took her gloves off and sat them on the kitchen table before walking over to kiss her husband. "Where is my baby?"

"My Mom took her out for a little while." Derek answered.

"Does Ava have a coat on?" Hunter asked quickly.

"I helped Grandma put on both Ava and Zola's coat and hat." Amelia added.

"Did you have fun at the park?" Derek asked his son.

"Yeah." Hunter laughed. "Did you know Mom can still do the monkey bars?"

"Really?"

"Yeah and she even flipped over on the pull up bar thing...it was real cool."

"I'm flexible." Meredith winked at Derek.

"I know." Derek smirked.

"Gross." Amelia winced, standing and walking over to the sink.

"It's really cold out." Hunter said, sitting down on the couch next to Derek.

"It is." Meredith agreed, sitting on the other side of Derek.

"Is all of your homework done?" Derek asked.

"Yeah." Hunter replied.

"Good boy."

"What if Ava isn't warm enough?"

"I'm sure she is. She's in the car with Grandma."

"Does Grandma have a car sear for her and Zola?"

"She does." He nodded.

"Good." Hunter sat back on the couch just like his father.

"You took my seat, little man." Amelia laughed, sitting in the arm chair across from them.

"You love me." Hunter grinned, before leaning forward to grab a muffin off the coffee table.

"You are just like your dad."

"Not a bad thing." Derek smiled.

"Debatable." Meredith laughed.

"Hey..." Derek frowned.

"What?" Meredith giggled.

"It's a good thing Mark isn't here." Amelia laughed.

"Okay...enough ganging up on me." Derek pouted his lips.

"Poor you." Meredith kissed him quickly.

"Poor me."

"Oh gosh..." Amelia groaned.

"Gross." Hunter covered his eyes.

"Hunter are they always like this?" Amelia laughed.

"All the time."

"We are not!" Meredith gasped.

"I feel sorry for you." Amelia reached over and covered her nephew's eyes as Derek kissed Meredith again.

"Derek..." Meredith giggled.

"What?" He grinned.

"You are being...mischievous." Meredith laughed.

"Hey Mom..." Hunter interrupted.

"Yes?" Meredith looked over at her son, sitting up quickly.

"Shouldn't Ava be home now?"

"Well I think Grandma was going to go through the drive through and get her a drink before they drove around. I'm sure they're fine buddy." Meredith smiled weakly.

"She has to take a nap."

"I'll lay down with her when she gets home."

"But..."

"Grandma wouldn't have taken her out if she wasn't okay." Derek assured his son.

"Okay." Hunter sighed, leaning back again.

"I promise, bud."

"Hunter why don't you go and finish your homework before they get home and then you don't have to touch it all weekend." Meredith suggested.

"Okay." Hunter breathed. "Will you tell me when she's home?"

"You will know as soon as she gets home." Meredith agreed.

"Alright." He got up off of the couch and headed upstairs.

"Kid walks around like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders." Amelia sighed, sitting back on the couch.

"Huh?" Meredith looked up.

"You can't tell how worried he is?" Amelia asked

"Well I know he's worried..."

"We're all worried." Derek added.

"He's a good big brother...like Derek was." Amelia replied.

"He is." Derek sighed.

"I just feel bad for Hunter and Zola...I want them to have the same amount of attention. Our children come first...all three of them." Meredith replied. "And Amelia is right...he's worried."

"He's trying to fix everything and take care of his sister and he's only eight." Amelia added.

"Leave the psychiatrist talk to Kathleen." Derek groaned.

"Derek..." Meredith hit his arm, before looking over at Amelia. "She's right."

"I just...we're doing the best we can."

"She never said we weren't."

"I know..."

"We have to try and make this easier on him too." Meredith replied, running her fingers through her hair.

"I know." Derek sighed.

"You're doing a great job, Der." Amelia smiled sympathetically. "And you know I'll do anything I can to help in any way I can."

"I don't think there is a rulebook for this." Meredith laughed weakly.

"I'm going to let you guys have some...alone time." Amelia stood up. "Call me if there's anything I can do."

"Thanks." Meredith smiled.

"Bye Der." She patted her brother's shoulder and then left.

"Hunter's really worried."

"I don't know what to do."

"We should probably just...check in on him more." Meredith replied, resting her head on his chest.

"Yeah." He sighed as his mom came in the door with Zola in her arms and Ava walking next to her.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Ava grinned.

"Hi baby girls." Meredith stood quickly, running over to lift Ava into her arms.

"How was your ride?" Derek asked, taking Zola from his Mom.

"Good." Ava replied.

"We listened to the Tangled soundtrack and drove around until we heard every song." His mother laughed. "Twice."

"Oh yeah?" He laughed.

"It was fun." Ava giggled.

"You must be tired."

"No." Ava giggled again, hiding her face in Meredith's long blonde waves.

"What about if you and I go lay down upstairs?" Meredith asked.

"But I'm not sleepy."

"Not even if we take a nap together?" Meredith whispered.

"Can I tell Hunter what we did first?" Ava asked.

"Yes." Meredith putting her down.

"Alright!" Ava ran up the stairs ahead of Meredith.

"I'll follow Meredith and Ava upstairs and put Zola down for her nap." His mother offered.

"Thanks Mom." Derek sighed, leaning back on the couch.

"Derek...I'll be back." Meredith breathed. "After a short nap."

"Take your time." He smiled weakly.

"Love you." She mouthed before, leaving him alone in the living room.

"Love you too." He whispered. Amelia was right and he knew it. He knew that his son was taking on a load that he shouldn't have to carry in worrying about his sister and he knew that he needed to do a better job of making sure Hunter was okay and knew what was going on. Even if he was only eight years old, he was a smart eight years old and he certainly was aware of everything going on around him and neither Meredith nor Derek could shield him from it.


	18. Chapter 18

When Meredith had taken her little up to the bedroom she and her husband had been sharing, she worried that Ava wouldn't be okay with it. Tonight was trick or treat and as Ava sat on the bed wearing a tutu and leotard, it was clear that her little ballerina wasn't like the other kids. Hunter had gone as a Ninja and Zola had been the pumpkin Meredith had wanted her to be but now they were trick or treating and Ava was lying on the bed next to Meredith. Derek had taken the kids and Meredith had decided to try and distract Ava. They had bought her a ton of candy so she wouldn't feel bad about staying inside and it seemed to work. Since she had just had another one of her treatments the day before and their little girl wasn't feeling that great. So Meredith was going to make her happy, no matter what it took. Ava wouldn't know the difference tonight. "Your nails are very pretty."

"Thanks Mommy." Ava curled up, pulling her knees to her chest.

"Will you take another sip of your juice?" Meredith asked. They hadn't been able to get Ava to eat too much since the day before.

"No."

"Please." Meredith whispered.

"My mouth hurts." Ava whispered.

"What? It does?"

"Yeah." The little girl nodded.

"Open up...let me see." Meredith looked forward.

"Okay..." Ava opened her mouth wide for Meredith.

"Oh Ava." Meredith frowned, noticing the sores in her little girl's mouth. "I have your glass of water too...do you want that?"

"No thank you."

"Fine...but soon you need to try and drink."

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Does my costume look pretty?"

"It looks beautiful." Meredith smiled.

"I was going to say trick and treat...and then do a spin." Ava told her mom.

"You are the best little ballerina."

"I really wanted to go."

"I know." Meredith sighed. She and Derek had debated whether or not to let Ava go but it had been cold outside and the last thing their little girl needed was to get sick.

"And I can't be a ballerina again next year."

"Why not?"

"Cause...I have to be something else."

"Oh of course."

"Like a princess or Barbie."

"I...maybe I could dress up too." Meredith whispered. Dressing up was something she would never do but Ava being sick made her want to do anything to make her little girl smile.

"Really?" Ava's eyes lit up.

"If you want."

"Can I pick your costume?"

"You can."

"Can Daddy go too?"

"Of course." Meredith breathed, pulling Ava closer.

"Okay." Ava curled up to Meredith.

"Ava...are you alright?"

"My tummy feels sick."

"I know." Meredith whispered.

"Yuck." Ava looked up at her mom.

"Yucky." Meredith giggled.

"Yucky tummy."

"Do you need a sick bag?"

"No."

"Okay." Meredith stroked her little girl's hair. As she moved her hand off of Ava's soft blonde haired she fought her hardest not to gasp when she noticed several strands of hair come away with her fingers. She felt a loss of what to do. "Um...we should talk about...school. Are you ready to start your school work?"

"I guess." Ava shrugged her shoulders, curling back up.

"What's wrong Ava?" Meredith took a deep breath, loosening her shoulders up. She had to get more relaxed or her little girl was going to struggle even more. "Tell me."

"Its not fair I don't get to trick or treat."

"I know." Meredith sat up, leaning against the pillow before pulling Ava onto her lap. "I want you to do everything that everyone else does...I want you to go to school and trick or treat and go to the zoo but you're sick Ava and I can't make that go away."

"Why not?"

"Because you're a different kind of sick. Leukemia...it takes a lot of work to fight."

"Oh." Ava sighed.

"But I'm going to stay with you and help you...and I won't ever leave." Meredith breathed, putting her nose against Ava's hair. She just wanted to inhale the sweet smell. "You won't be alone."

"Promise?" The little girl whispered.

"Hmm...I promise."

"Okay...Love you Mommy."

"I love you so much too."

"This much." Ava held her arms as wide as she could.

"That's a lot...but guess what?" Meredith breathed, looking at the nails she had painted for Ava earlier.

"What?"

"I love you even more than that much."

"Me too."

"Oh yeah?" Meredith laughed.

"Yeah." Ava managed a small smile.

"What do you want to do? We can do anything you want right now inside the house...and while laying down."

"I don't know."

"I could put sparkles over your nail polish or we could play with your dolls...I could bring the barbies into the bed."

"Will you play Barbies with me?"

"Sure." Meredith smiled weakly. It was rare that she had the chance to play dolls with Ava and as someone who hadn't done it much as a child she always found it quite odd. "Let me grab them."

"Mommy..."

"Yes?" Meredith turned around as she climbed off of the bed.

"My tummy..."

"Oh...okay." Meredith reached for a plastic bag from the bed side table and crawled back onto the bed. "I'm here."

"Mommy." Ava cried, getting sick into the plastic bag.

"Okay...it's okay." Meredith rubbed her back, holding the bag with her other hand as her child became ill.

"No." Her little girl cried, curling up again and burying her head in the pillows.

"Ava..." Meredith breathed, leaning over.

"I don't like it."

"Me either."

"It hurts."

"I know Ava." Meredith rubbed her back.

"Can I have medicine?" Ava asked.

"Yes." Meredith walked over to the closet where they had put all of her medication on a shelf higher up where the kids couldn't reach. "I can give you something in your line."

"Okay." She sat up a little bit. waiting for Meredith come back with the medicine.

"How about...you sleep in here with Daddy and I?" Meredith asked, not wanting to admit that she was worried.

"Can I?"

"You can...but I need you to try and drink some of your water."

"Is Daddy coming home soon?" Ava asked as Meredith handing her a cup of water.

"Yes." Meredith nodded.

"I bet Zo got lots of candy."

"Probably but Zo can't eat it."

"Can I eat it?"

"Some of it." Meredith giggled. "But you told your Daddy all of the kinds of candy you liked and he bought you each kind."

"But I want more." Ava said as Meredith gave her a dose of medicine.

"Well maybe we can have some tomorrow when your belly is all better."

"Okay."

"And we can watch a princess movie."

"Cinderella?"

"Your favorite." Meredith kissed her cheek. She knew her daughter was off, that cancer was controlling a lot of what was happening and while she hated when Derek pryed into how she was feeling, Meredith would give anything to know what was going on in Ava's head.

"Can we have popcorn?"

"If your tummy is okay."

"Okay."

"Hmm...what are you thinkin'." Meredith asked quietly.

"I'm sleepy." Ava yawned.

"You can close your eyes Ava."

"Mommy?"

"Yes?" Meredith asked, reaching for the comforter to pull over Ava.

"Am I gonna be better soon?" Ava whispered.

"Oh." Meredith breathed, feeling taken back by the child's question. For the first time Meredith knew that Ava understood that she was sick. Her little girl knew that Leukemia wasn't like a cold or a flu. She knew that she was very sick and that killed Meredith inside. "We're going to do everything we can to get you better quick."

"I really don't wanna miss Halloween again."

"I know."

"Am I going to miss Christmas?" Ava sat back up again.

"I...no Ava. I won't let you miss Christmas...and Santa won't either." Meredith tried to explain without her voice cracking. "We will celebrate Christmas wherever you are."

"Kay."

"Are you worried Ava?"

"No."

"Good." Meredith smiled.

"Do I have to go to the hospital again?"

"Yes."

"Oh." Ava sighed, leaning back on the pillows.

"So that the doctors and nurses can help you get better."

"Okay." She curled up and closed her eyes.

"But I'll be with you...promise."

"I love you Mommy."

"I loved you too Ava."

"Night." Ava whispered.

"Goodnight." Meredith whispered softly as she rubbed the little girl's back. She took a deep breath, suddenly feeling like everything was a little too heavy. Ava seemed to understand that she was sick and Meredith hated that. It seemed unfair and now Meredith was left to wonder what had she done, that led Ava to get cancer.


	19. Chapter 19

When Ava had been diagnosed with leukemia, Derek had been in complete shock. His daughter had always been a healthy girl, so the news that she had cancer was like being punched in the stomach. It had taken a long time for the facts to sink in and each time that Derek took his daughter to chemotherapy and watched her be pumped full of medicine, the reality of the situation became more and more clear. His child had cancer and it wasn't something he could change. He had complete faith in the doctors who were taking care of her and the fact that she had a great chance of being cured of the cancer and growing up like a normal kid. But for the moment, his daughter was very sick and they had to take things one day at a time.

That morning, as he got Ava ready to go to the hospital for some routine tests to make sure the chemo wasn't having any harmful side effects other than the ones to be expected, he noticed all the hair that fell from her head as he brushed it. It was something he knew was coming but wasn't prepared for, but it was happening and they were going to deal with it in the best way they could. Derek walked back into the small hospital room that the nurses had brought them to so he and Meredith could wait alone while Ava was with the doctors having the tests run. "I brought you a coffee..."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." He sighed, kissing her cheek as he sat down next to her in the hard, uncomfortable chairs that he was starting to get used to. "I can't believe we make people sit in these."

"I was just thinking the same thing." Meredith breathed, looking down at her phone to see if Lexie had texted her about how Zola was doing.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Derek asked. He knew the answer was no. Meredith hadn't been sleeping well or at all.

"Yeah...slept great."

"Mer..."

"On the way home I need to run into the store and get more wipes for Zola."

"Okay." Derek sighed.

"Oh and poster board."

"For what?"

"A project...kindergarten thing for Ava." Meredith replied. "I read about it in one of the books and it seems like a good idea."

"Oh...okay."

"The homeschooling seems to be good for her."

"Yeah..."

"Distracting."

"Hmm."

"Do you want this?" Meredith asked, handing him her breakfast sandwich.

"You don't want it?" Derek frowned, taking the sandwich.

"No I'm good." Meredith turned the page in her handbook.

"Mer...you need to eat."

"I'm having coffee and I honestly don't want the sandwich."

"Alright." He sighed.

"What time is it?"

"Eleven twenty." Derek answered, looking down at his watch.

"Zola should be taking her nap about now."

"Meredith."

"What?" She asked, marking one of the pages with a post it.

"Just...look at me." He whispered.

"What?" Meredith groaned, looking up at him.

""Talk to me."

"About what?"

"We're sitting here in a hospital room...our daughter has cancer..."

"Yeah...I know."

"And I'm looking at my wife...who isn't eating and isn't sleeping."

"I eat!"

"Barely."

"Now you're just sounding silly."

"Okay..." Derek took a deep breath. "Then I'll talk."

"About?"

"Our five year old daughter has cancer. And this morning...while I was brushing her hair...I ended up with more hair in the brush then left on her head."

"It's been falling out...I know."

"I...my point is we need to start being realistic."

"Okay Derek." Meredith sighed, closing the book and looking up at him. "You think we need to shave her head."

"I think we need to do something. I think you need to start opening up to me and stop trying to carry this all yourself." He breathed.

"Just because I'm not a wallowing mess doesn't mean I am carrying all of this shit by myself."

""That's not what I meant."

"It's not up to me to decide to shave her head...its up to her."

"It's not just about shaving her head..." Derek whispered. "It's about the fact that Ava's hair is falling out and you're worrying about a school project...and you're awake during the night worrying and you don't tell me. We're doing this together, Mer. I can't do it without you...so you have to let me in too."

"I am here for you."

"Then let there for you too."

"I am." Meredith groaned, reaching for the book again.

"Stop."

"What is your deal?"

"I'm scared, Meredith. I'm terrified. And what makes me even more scared is that you are keeping all of this in...I know you. I know you...and I love you...but you keep everything inside and your putting up this wall like everything is okay and eventually it's going to come crashing down.

"Okay..."

"You have to talk to me. When you're scared in the middle of the night, wake me up. I'm scared too. We're in this together."

"Can we at least talk about this...another time?"

"I..." Derek shook his head.

"What?"

"Fine." He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Listen..." Meredith sighed. "You talk to Ava...you take care of the hair stuff...I'll order her hats and headbands...you handle talking to her and shaving her hair. But this isn't the time or the place to argue."

"I'm going to do it with her."

"Okay."

"She shouldn't have to be bald alone."

"Woah..." Meredith looked up quickly. "Your hair?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"I just..." Meredith took a deep breath. "If that is what you want to do...I think its great."

"Okay." Derek shrugged. He was frustrated. He wanted his wife to show emotion, he wanted her to tell her the way that she was feeling and he was getting nothing.

"Look who is back." Arizona wheeled Ava into the room, both wearing big smiles on their faces.

"Hey pumpkin." Derek smiled, standing up quickly.

"Hi Daddy...Hi Mommy." Their little girl smiled tiredly as she ran her fingers over her now very thin hair.

"Hi Ava." Meredith grinned.

"How is she?" Derek asked Arizona.

"She's good...we checked her blood and we're going to schedule her for another chemotherapy treatment this week. Her tonsils are swollen and she's complaining of a sore throat so I started her on antibiotics. The test was negative but I don't want to chance her coming down with it in a few days."

"So we can go home?"

"I'm going to allow her to go home but I'd like to monitor her closely after the next treatment because we're introducing some stronger drugs. So she'll be here for at least the first night." Arizona replied.

"Okay." He nodded.

"Of course then you'll speak with Dr. Hershchel her oncologist again."

"Thanks Arizona."

"I'll let you guys take her home..." Arizona smiled, before leaving the room.

"Time to get you changed." Meredith smiled.

"Can we go get chicken nuggets?" Ava asked.

"If that is what you want to eat...you will get it."

"And french fries!" Ava smiled as Meredith helped her out of the hospital gown and put her regular clothes back on.

"Somebody is hungry." Meredith grinned thankfully as she realized just how big Ava's clothes were on her small body.

"My tummy's grumbling." Ava giggled.

"Wow." Meredith giggled, handing Ava to her father.

"Ready to go?" Derek smiled, kissing her cheek.

"Yeah." Ava smiled, wrapping her arms around her Daddy. "Where is my baby?"

"Oh...right here." Meredith reached in her bag for the baby doll Mark had gotten for Ava. He had given it to her right after her previous chemo treatment and she carried it everywhere.

"Okay Aves...let's go get you some chicken nuggets." He smiled.

"Yummy!" Ava squealed.

"Yummy." Derek laughed, looking back at Meredith before carrying their daughter out of the hospital room and down the hall towards the exit. He knew that he and Meredith needed to talk but right now wasn't the time. Their daughter was feeling like herself, or as close as could be for being in the middle of cancer treatment and they were going to enjoy these few moments before she started to feel bad again spending time with their daughter instead of arguing.


	20. Chapter 20

Since Ava's hair had started falling out, Derek knew that there would be a day when they had to make a decision whether to wait or it all to fall out on its own, or shave it off and after Derek discussed it with Meredith and then explained it to Ava, they had decided to shave it off. He knew it wasn't going to be an easy thing to do or an easy thing for his daughter to handle but they were going

to do it.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Derek asked, kneeling down in front of his daughter. He had tried to make the kitchen into a hair salon like one where Ava was used to going and she was sitting in the middle of the kitchen, propped up on telephone books with a towel around her.

"Are we gonna shave it all off?" Ava asked, holding her hands over her head.

"Yup. All of it."

"And you're going to be just as pretty Ava." Hunter said quickly.

"The best princess there is." Mark smiled, before holding up a box. "And when we're done I have a new Barbie for you."

"Will it come back?" Ava asked, holding onto the towel.

"When you're all better, it'll all grow back." Derek told her.

"Okay." Ava nodded, her legs bouncing nervously against the chair.

"Where's Meredith?" Mark asked.

"She went out for a while." Derek replied. He knew that seeing this was something Meredith wouldn't be able to watch so he had suggested she go run errands with his mother and Zola.

"Daddy will Mommy still think I'm pretty?" Ava asked, looking up at her father.

"Of course she will." He whispered, kissing her forehead.

"Okay." Ava sighed.

"Ava, you're going to look so cool." Her brother hugged her.

"But it will grow back when I'm better Hunter." Ava replied, hugging him back as Derek plugged in the razor.

"Yes it will." Derek repeated.

"Cause Daddy said." Ava nodded.

"You give your dad too much credit." Mark laughed, patting Ava on the back. "You ready, kid?"

"Yeah...wait!" Ava shouted.

"What?" Derek asked.

"I gotta have my baby!"

"Here Ava." Hunter reached for the doll off of the counter and handed it to his baby sister.

"Thank you." Ava smiled, hugging her brother again.

"Alright...come on. Ava has a new Barbie to meet." Mark replied, kissing his niece's cheek.

"I'm gonna start, okay?" Derek moved behind Ava, holding the razor.

"Mmm kay."

"Don't mess up Dad." Hunter reminded his father.

"Thanks, bud." Derek laughed, taking a deep breath.

"I don't think he can mess up Hunter." Ava said calmly. "He's just gotta shave everything off!"

"Smart girl." Mark laughed, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

"Okay..." Derek breathed, running the razor over his daughter's head and watching the blonde hair that reminded him so much of Meredith fall to the floor.

"That feels weird." Ava replied.

"It won't take long...I promise." He shaved off more of her hair.

"Look at the camera Ava." Mark held up his phone, taking a picture even though at times it felt wrong. He still felt like it was an important moment and he wanted to show the picture to Lexie, to say how proud of his niece he was.

"Say cheese." Hunter tried to make his sister smile, making a funny face at her.

"Cheese." Ava smiled.

"I want to get in it." Her brother laughed, standing next to Ava and smiling while Derek stood behind them.

"Cheese!" Ava shouted again.

"Even sick she's a little ham." Mark laughed, shaking his head.

"That's my girl." Derek smiled.

"Is my head pretty?" Ava asked, watching as her hair fell to the floor.

"It's beautiful."

"Prettier than Uncle Mark?"

"Watch how you answer that, Shep." Mark pointed at him.

"You will always be prettier than Uncle Mark." Derek laughed.

"Hehe." Ava giggled, covering her mouth.

"Dad...she has a mohawk." Hunter pointed and burst out laughing.

"Hey I'm not a boy!" Ava shouted.

"I know you're not."

"You're as girly as they come kid." Mark laughed.

"And no more mohawk." Derek shaved the center part of her hair. "We're almost done."

"Good." Ava sighed.

"Looking good." Mark smiled, snapping another picture.

"Okay Ava..." Derek turned off the electric razor and looked down at the small amount of blonde hair on the floor. "All finished."

"Kay."

"Here..." Hunter rushed to hand her the hand mirror they had brought in the kitchen.

"Kay..." Ava took the mirror, holding it up in front of her face. Her delicate smile faded as she saw herself. "Oh."

"What's wrong?" Derek breathed.

"I look like an old guy." Ava began to tear up.

"Oh...no you don't, pumpkin." Derek took the mirror and kneeled down in front of her.

"Put it back on Daddy! Get tape!"

"Ava you look great." Mark said quickly.

"You look so cool Ava." Hunter walked up to her.

"Very bad ass." Mark nodded.

"What's a bad ass?" Ava whimpered, feeling the top of her head for the first time.

"Mark..." Derek groaned.

"She does." Mark laughed.

"I think it looks great, Aves." Derek whispered, pulling the towel off of her and helping her down from the chair.

"Yeah Ava...you look real cool." Hunter assured his sister. "Very pretty."

"She looks so little man..." Mark shook his head.

"Do you want to take another picture?" Derek asked.

"No man..." Mark stepped forward, lifting his niece up. "Hey Ava."

"What?" Ava whispered.

"What's cookin' good lookin'." Mark smirked, knowing he could always make his niece smile.

"Not funny." The little girl tried not to smile.

"Ava...Daddy has an idea."

"What?" Ava looked up, unable to move her right hand from her now bare scalp.

"What if Daddy shaves off his hair too?" Derek offered.

"No!"

"Why not?"

"I like your hair." Ava murmured, hiding her face in Mark's shoulder.

"I'll do it, Ava." Hunter said. "We can match."

"Yeah!" Ava gasped.

"Hunter...are you sure?" Derek asked as Hunter handed him the electric razor.

"Yeah...I have less hair then you Dad and Ava and I will match...like twins or a superhero and his sidekick." Hunter explained.

"Good kid." Mark shook his head, patting his nephew on the back.

"Okay..." Derek reluctantly agreed, putting the towel that had been on Ava around Hunter. "Sit down."

"Mommy's gonna think we're cute Hunter." Ava laughed as Derek got ready to shave Hunter's head.

"Hey uh...is Meredith going to care?" Mark asked.

"I don't know."

"Come on Dad!" Hunter laughed. "Shave my hair!"

"If your Mom gets upset...this was your idea." Derek turned on the razor and started to shave his son's head.

"Look." Mark laughed as Hunter made silly faces.

"He's funny." Ava giggled.

"He is funny." Derek laughed as his son's hair fell to the floor.

"Wow that tickles." Hunter laughed.

"Told ya it feels funny." Ava stood in front of her brother.

"I'll be right back...I just got a page from the hospital." Mark looked down at his waist as his pager beeped.

"Okay Hunter." Derek turned the razor off. "You're turn to look."

"Here!" Ava handed him the mirror.

"Woah cool!" Hunter gasped, hopping off of the stool.

"Derek I'm home..." Meredith walked into the kitchen, stopping suddenly when she saw Hunter and Ava.

"Look Mommy we match!" Ava grabbed Hunter's hand.

"You shaved his head." Meredith said as she lifted Ava into her arms.

"I wanted to do it for Ava." Hunter answered before Derek could say anything.

"You...that was really nice of you Hunter." Meredith smiled, her eyes watering.

"Why don't you two go upstairs and pick out a hat for Ava to wear." Derek suggested.

"Okay Dad." Hunter grabbed Ava's hand.

"Ava...be careful sweetie." Meredith kissed her cheek. "You look perfect."

"Thanks Mommy!" Ava hurried off with her brother.

"I need to go do a load of laundry."

"Mer..."

"I...Ava's nightgowns are dirty from her getting sick on all of them so...:" Meredith shook her head quickly.

"I offered to shave my head but Ava said no." Derek walked over to Meredith, wrapping his arms around her.

"We need to get her some clothes that fit a little better."

"Meredith."

"What?"

"It's okay."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah..." He sighed, pulling away from her.

"You did a good job...with their hair."

"Thanks."

"Are you mad at me?" Meredith crossed her arms.

"No Meredith. I'm not mad at you."

"Good." Meredith nodded.

"I just...nevmind." Derek sighed. "'You said you have laundry."

"Right."

"I'll clean this up."

"Alright." Meredith watched him carefully.

"What?"

"Nothing I just...it was weird to see her without her...she really looks sick right now."

"She is sick."

"I know."

"Hmm."

"Well I'm going to go do laundry then read a book with Ava."

"Okay."

"Alright..." Meredith wasn't sure what to do next. She wasn't even sure what they were supposed to say. She turned around and began to walk away, pausing for a moment.

"Let me know if you need help." Derek breathed.

"I will."

"Okay..." Derek grabbed the broom from the corner of the room and began to sweep up the hair that was left behind on the floor. It was a reality. His daughter was sick, really sick, and losing her hair wasn't even the worst of what would happen. But he had a nagging feeling that his wife hadn't excepted reality and the way she had reacted to seeing Ava without her hair only made that feeling

stronger.


	21. Chapter 21

"Ava...do you want your baby doll?" Meredith asked as she changed Ava's diaper. His mother was out at a neighbor's for a dinner and it was a rare night that they had to themselves as a family. Although right now, everything seemed easier with his mother there. It was one more person cared about Ava and that was important. "It's on the night stand."

"Not right now." Ava laid in front of her coloring books, pulling another marker from the box next to her.

"How is your head feeling?" Meredith asked, sliding Zola's pajamas on. Ava had been complaining of a headache earlier in the day and they were monitoring every symptom.

"It feels better."

"Good." Meredith smiled, putting Zola in the playpen.

"Ava...what are you drawing?" Derek asked, looking over. He had been helping Hunter with his math homework.

"My family."

"Dad...I'm all done!" Hunter replied.

"Do you want me to check it?" He asked.

"Uh...sure?" Hunter said quietly, sliding it forward.

"Daddy look!" Ava held up the picture.

"One second, pumpkin."

"Dad...is it right?" Hunter asked.

"Re do this one." Derek pointed to the wrong answer he had spotted.

"Oh okay." Hunter replied, sliding the book back in front of him.

"Daddy!" Ava shouted.

"Yes?"

"Wanna see?" Ava held up her paper.

"She's been working rather hard." Meredith giggled, handing Zola her pacifier.

"That looks great, Aves." Derek smiled, kissing her head.

"Ava come here." Meredith sat down on the bed.

"What Mommy?"

"Let me feel your head."

"My head doesn't feel sick anymore."

"You feel a little clammy sweetie." Meredith frowned, lifting Ava onto her lap.

"Clammy?" Ava frowned.

"It just means your skin feels a little hot."

"Let me see..." Derek reached over and felt his daughter's forehead.

"Ava you need to try and have some of your juice." Meredith reached for a glass just as Zola tugged on Derek's pant leg.

"She feels fine to me." Derek said, lifting Zola up.

"Ava sip." Meredith held up the sippy cup.

"I'm not thirsty." Ava shook her head.

"Please Ava." Meredith frowned.

"Dad I'm all done!" Hunter shouted.

"Okay..." Derek stood up with Zola in his arms and took the paper from Hunter, checking the work he had re-done.

"Good job bud."

"Yes!" Hunter gasped.

"What do you have to do next?"

"I'm all done...can I play my game now?" Hunter stood.

"You don't have any more work?" Derek asked.

"Well I have to read a chapter in my book." Hunter admitted.

"Hunter...go read and then you can come back." Meredith replied, walking over to the dresser.

"Do I have to do it right now?" Hunter groaned.

"The sooner you do it, the sooner you'll be done." Derek told him.

"Fine." Hunter groaned, leaving the bedroom.

"Ava do you want your pink pajamas or your blue ones in the hospital? Your other's are in the wash...you know what...we'll take both." Meredith opened the drawers. They had been keeping Ava's stuff in their room because she had been sleeping with them.

"Pink!"

"We're taking both." Derek laughed.

"Can we take my pretty hats?" Ava asked.

"We can." Meredith replied, pointing to a bag on the side table. "There are a few of them in there."

"Is the pink one in there?" Ava reached for the bag.

"You know Ava...we're going to be in the hospital for a little while." Derek told her.

"Why?" Ava asked, sitting on the floor and pulling a purple hat with a large bow on it over her head.

"Because they have to give you more medicine this time."

"Derek your Mom and I picked up some size 4t clothes for Ava...stuff that will keep her warm as the months get colder." Meredith explained. "Can you remind me to put the laundry in before we go to bed?"

"I don't wanna go!" Ava shouted.

"Ava..." Derek frowned.

"No more medicine!" Ava screamed.

"Ava...you have to have medicine." Meredith sat down.

"Remember...it's going to make you better." Derek reminded her.

"It's boring and it makes my belly hurt." Ava replied, dumping the bag of hats on the floor.

"Pick those up please."

"No!" Ava giggled, tossing the hats around.

"Ba ha!" Zola laughed.

"Ava Sophia. Pick this up." Derek told her.

"I'm playing." Ava replied.

"Ava Sophia...pick those up right now."

"What's the problem?" Meredith walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

"Nothing." Derek sighed, picking up the hats.

"Daddy no!" Ava frowned.

"What's going on?" Meredith lifted Ava.

"Daddy I wanna play with them." Ava pouted.

"You want to play with the hats?"

"Yes please." Ava yawned.

"Ava take a sip and then you can play." Meredith held the sippy cup up to her daughter.

"Do I have to?" Ava groaned.

Julia says (9:10 PM)

"Yep." Meredith breathed.

"Fine." Ava took a sip of the juice. "Done."

"Very good." Meredith kissed both Zola and Ava's cheeks. "Now I can pack the rest of your stuff."

"Play with me Mommy."

"There is a lot to do Aves."

"No."

"I'll play with you." Derek said.

"Can you put Zola in the crib first?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah."

"Night Zola." Meredith kissed her baby girl before Derek left the room and she turned towards the dresser.

"Mommy...tell Daddy I don't need to go stay in the hospital."

"Ava it's not up to Daddy...its up to Arizona."

"Tell her I don't need to go to the hospital!"

"Daddy and I will be right there with you."

"But Mommy..."

"Yes?" Meredith sighed, moving to sit on the bed. She might be running around like a mad woman but wasn't going to leave her daughter when she needed her.

"It's scary in the hospital."

"You love the hospital when you used to come with us to work." Meredith pulled Ava into her lap.

"It's not the same." Her little girl sighed.

"I know."

"I'm not going." Ava crossed her arms.

"Sweetie you have to." Meredith replied, keeping a hand on her back. "We're helping you."

"Nope."

"Is there anything I can do to make it easier?" Meredith swallowed.

"Make me better."

"I wish it were that easy."

"Zo is asleep." Derek came back into the room.

"Hey." Meredith sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"I hate being sick." Ava burst into tears.

"Oh Ava." Derek sighed, sitting down next to them.

"Daddy and I aren't going to leave."

"But what if you forget I'm there and leave." Ava cried.

"We would never do that, sweetie." Derek whispered, rubbing her back.

"I don't like the hospital." Ava whimpered.

"I know you don't."

"Ava is there something you want...something we can get to make it easier tomorrow?" Meredith asked.

"Ice cream." She whispered.

"We can arrange that." Meredith wiped at her eyes quickly. "I um...why don't you go grab your princess tiara..."

"Can I wear it to get ice cream?"

"We will go get it tomorrow before your appointment."

"We're going to stay with you Ava...the whole time. Promise." Derek assured her.

"Okay." Ava wiped her eyes.

"I love you Miss. Ava." Meredith smiled, hugging Ava close.

"I love you too Mommy." Ava whispered.

"Go get your crown and tell Hunter to come in when he's done reading. I'll keep packing your stuff."

"Can I wear my crown in the hospital?"

"Yes." Derek laughed, kissing her head.

"You can do anything." Meredith hugged her tight before letting go.

"I'll be back." Ava ran out of their room.

"She's energetic but she looks tired." Meredith stood, walking over to the corner of the room to grab Ava's overnight bag.

"Hmm." Derek sighed.

"I'll grab a third pair of pajamas later when the laundry is done. I think being comfortable during the chemo is important since this one will take almost all day." Meredith groaned, tossing Ava's slippers into the bag.

"Okay."

"And books...we need books to read to her."

"Mer...why don't you take a nap. I'll finish packing."

"I...I can't. I need to do this."

"I can do it."

"You haven't shaved."

"Meredith."

"What?" Meredith sighed, tossing a few of Ava's soft hats into the bag.

"Let me finish this." Derek told her.

"I really am okay."

"I...fine." He shook his head.

"And you should shave." She turned, moving her hand over the hair that grazed his chin. "I usually love it when you don't shave and...well you can keep it. I still love it we just can't enjoy it. Usually we I love it...I do still love I just..."

"What?" Derek whispered.

"Daddy!" He heard Ava scream as she came into the bedroom.

"Yeah?"

"I got a boo boo." Ava said breathlessly as Derek lifted her up and she held out the inside of her arm to reveal a large bruise that hadn't been there this morning.

"Ava..." Meredith winced.

"Oh no." Derek frowned, kissing the bruise. "All better?"

"Yeah." Ava gasped.

"Good."

"Daddy I'm sleepy."

"Why don't you go get in bed and I'll come tuck you in for a nap, okay?"

"No." Ava groaned. "I gotta watch the movie with you and Hunter and Mommy."

"Why don't we go downstairs with Hunter...put a movie on and you can sit on my lap." Meredith suggested. "That way you can fall asleep if you want and we can keep you warm."

"Kay." Ava nodded.

"Go get your brother and we'll meet you downstairs." Derek told her.

"Okay." Ava's feet touched the ground and she walked quickly out of the room.

"I guess we're going to finish packing later."

"I guess so." Meredith replied, reaching for her phone.

"Hey...wait." Derek reached for her arm as she started to walk out of their room.

"What?" She sighed.

"Come here." He whispered, pulling her against him and wrapping his arms around her.

"Mmm...hey." Meredith breathed, releasing all of the tension in her body against her own will.

"Hi." Derek breathed, running his fingers through her hair.

"Ava has cancer." She whispered.

"I know." Derek said, pressing his lips against hers.

"Oh..."

"Mmm..."

"Oh...I..." Meredith ran her hands through his hair, pulling away suddenly.

"What?"

"We should go get the movie started."

"Right." Derek sighed.

"I just...let me focus on this right now."

"I'll be down in a minute." He sighed, sitting on the edge of their bed.

"Alright."

"Okay..." Derek whispered as Meredith walked out of their room. He was frustrated. Frustrated because his daughter was so sick and he couldn't fix it and frustrated because Meredith wouldn't let him help. He could see how much this was hurting her but for whatever reason, she wouldn't let him in and he needed his wife.


	22. Chapter 22

"You're being so brave, pumpkin." Derek smiled, sitting next to Ava as she got her chemotherapy treatment. They had been in the hospital for a few hours now and there was still a long way to go. Arizona had warned them that this round of chemo was going to be harder on her body and they should expect for her to be even sicker than before. "I'm so proud of you."

"No." Ava groaned, stretching in the large rubber chair.

"No what?" Derek asked, fixing the blanket that was covering her.

"I wanna stop."

"We can't stop right now."

"Daddy." Ava murmured, dropping her Barbie's shoe on the floor.

"I know, Ava." Derek sighed, leaning over and kissing her cheek.

"Can we go home when we're done?"

"We have to stay here tonight but then we can go home."

"My head itches." Ava scrunched her nose.

"You look just like your Mommy when you do that." He laughed.

"My mommy's pretty like Barbie."

"She is."

"Yeah." Ava giggled just like her mother.

"Do you want another blanket?" Derek asked her.

"Yeah." Ava sighed, before pointing at the laptop Derek had packed for her to watch movies.

"Cinderella."

'Again?" He laughed, opening it up.

"I like it."

"Hey guys." Meredith walked up. "Sorry I ran into Cristina and we were talking but I am back now."

"Hi Mommy." Ava looked up.

"Are you watching Cinderella again?" Meredith giggled, reaching for the Barbie shoe that had fallen.

"It's my favorite."

"I'm going to get your blanket, okay?" Derek kissed Ava's cheek again.

"I put one in her blue bag." Meredith smiled, before pulling her chair closer to Ava. "Hi Miss. Ava."

"Mommy...shhh..." Ava pointed to the movie.

"Oh sorry." Meredith kissed her cheek before sitting up. When she looked forward there was a little girl standing in front of her and Ava who looked to have cancer as well.

"Hi." The little girl wearing a purple head scarf waved to Ava.

"Hi." Ava waved right back, before looking up at her Daddy.

"My name is Sammy...what is your name?" The little girl asked.

"Ava."

"It's nice to meet you, Sammy." Derek smiled, laying the blue blanket over Ava.

"Do you have a tumor in your brain just like me?" Sammy asked.

"No." Ava shook her head.

"Oh." Sammy scratched at her head. "I've had a tumor three times now! It's no fun but the doctors are nice and they have yummy jello. Do you like the jello?"

"I like the red kind."

"Me too!" Sammy giggled.

"Sammy..." The little girl's mother called from across the room.

"I gotta go." Sammy leaned forward, hugging Ava.

"Okay. Bye Sammy." Ava waved.

"I got lots of movies here if you wanna watch them...just ask my Mommy...oh and tons of Barbies!" Sammy grinned, before running off.

"Can I go play Barbies?" Ava asked, scooting towards the edge of the chair.

"Maybe later Ava." Meredith whispered. "You're hooked up to your medication and look...Sammy is going to get hooked up too."

"Not fair!"

"I bet you can play with her another time." Derek told her.

"Fine." Ava groaned, arching her back in her seat.

"Are you feeling okay?" Derek asked, running his hand over her head.

"My head is tired."

"You can go to sleep Ava." Meredith offered, handing her a stuffed piglet.

"Are you going to stay here Daddy?"

"Of course. I'll be right here when you wake up. I promise."

"We'll even leave Cinderella on for you to watch until you fall asleep." Meredith reached for one of the trays and rolled it over.

"Okay." Ava yawned.

"Get some rest Miss. Ava."

"Mmkay." Ava closed her eyes, wrapping her hands tightly around the stuffed animal.

"She's always been so easy to get to sleep." Meredith breathed.

"Yeah." Derek sighed, leaning back in his chair.

"I love her so much."

"Me too."

"I never thought I would be a pro at playing Barbies."

"Yeah..."

"If you need a break or want to shut your eyes go ahead Derek." Meredith offered. "You woke up with Zola this morning."

"I'm slept last night. I'm okay." He looked up at her.

"Okay." Meredith sighed, reaching for her magazine.

"I brought us some food." He reached into the bag they had packed for the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches he had made before they left for the hospital. "Here."

"Thanks." Meredith smiled. "I'm not hungry right now but I'll eat mine in a little while."

"Right."

"I have to finish my coffee."

"Okay Meredith."

"What is wrong?" She snapped, keeping her voice down.

"You think I haven't noticed that the only thing you've eaten in the last three days is coffee and a muffin?"

"That's not true."

"And you haven't slept through the night since we got here. I'm not oblivious, Meredith."

"I'm a mom Derek."

"Oh okay." He rolled his eyes.

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Because this...what you're doing...it's not good for Ava. It's not good for you...and it's not healthy for us." Derek sighed.

"I'm not..."

"You don't eat, you don't sleep. How do you expect to take care of her when you aren't taking care of yourself?" He gestured to Ava.

"I'm trying Derek."

"Then eat."

"Derek..."

"What?"

"This isn't the time to fight."

"It's never the right time, Meredith."

"Why are you mad at me? I'm busy just like you. This isn't exactly the life we're used to."

"I'm not mad at you."

"You sound like it." She sighed.

"I'm frustrated." Derek groaned. "I can't...you don't tell me how you're feeling. You don't let me help you and meanwhile you're running yourself ragged."

"Derek I'm fine...I'm me and I'm right here." She whispered.

"You're not fine."

"I...what?"

"You're not fine." Derek repeated. "You're losing weight right in front of my eyes...you're keeping everything inside. I just...you won't talk to me.'

"I do talk to you."

"About what time we're leaving for the hospital or what Ava ate for dinner...you don't talk to me about how you're feeling."

"I'm sorry but I'm okay. I am and I love you."

"I love you too." He sighed.

"I'm doing the best I can."

"Yeah."

"Daddy." Ava groaned, her eyes opening quickly.

"Hey Aves." Derek smiled.

"My tummy hurts."

"I'm sorry." He frowned, rubbing her back.

"I wanna sit with you." Ava sighed.

"I can sit next to you."

"No!" Ava groaned.

"Here..." Meredith handed Derek the pink blanket. "She could probably sit with you...I mean the cords will reach far enough."

"Why don't I sit in your chair and you can sit on my lap?" Derek suggested.

"Okay." Ava whimpered.

"Okay." Derek sat down in the rubber chair and pulled Ava onto his lap. "There we go."

"Daddy." Ava whimpered, suddenly crying.

"What, pumpkin?" He kissed her head and rubbed her back.

"Does she have a fever?" Meredith asked as Ava sobbed.

"I don't think so." Derek put his hand on Ava's forehead.

"Well...what's wrong Aves?" Meredith frowned as Ava cried harder.

"I'm Dr. Short...the oncologist on call." An older man rushed right over.

"Ava...tell the doctor what's wrong and he can help you." Derek whispered, rubbing his daughter's back.

"Her blood pressure is up." The nurse replied, holding her chart.

"She's just worked up. Ava sweetheart...I'm Dr. Short I'm just going to take a look at your belly." Dr. Short said as the nurse lifted her pink pajama top over her abdomen. "Has she used the restroom at all?"

"Not since we've been here." Derek answered.

"Her abdomen is descended but she may just be a little constipated from this medication." Dr. Short sighed. "We'll keep an eye on her."

"Thank you." Derek nodded.

"It isn't uncommon for the patient to have a rough reaction. She's little and her body is weaker so she is expected to have some aches and pains." The doctor stood and took the chart from the nurse. "It says she's going to be here overnight so that's good."

"Is there anything we can do to help her feel better for now?" Meredith asked.

"Just keep an eye on her. If necessary we can give her some medicine to relieve the constipation but I'd prefer to wait it out." The doctor answered.

"Sometimes if you rub their back and just soothe them it helps them ride out the pain. I'll go get a blanket from the heater. It will help." The nurse smiled, before walking away.

"I'll be back to check on her in a little while." The doctor told them before leaving.

"It's okay Ava." Derek whispered, rubbing her back.

"Da...Daddy." Ave sobbed.

"Ava Sophia..." Meredith moved her hand over Derek's.

"I'm right here." Derek breathed. "Do you want anything?"

"No." Ava gasped.

"Do you want to go to Mommy?"

"Daddy..." Ava cried.

"Ava do you want to lay back with Daddy?" Meredith whispered. "I can adjust your chair."

"Kay." Ava gasped in between sobs.

"Okay." Meredith's eyes began to water as she reached for the latch on the chair to recline it.

"See...isn't that better?" Derek whispered, laying back with her.

"Yeah..." Ava panted through her sobs.

"I um...I'm going to go check on the blanket."

"We'll be here." Derek sighed, looking up at her.

"Alright." Meredith got up, walking away quickly and leaving the wing of the hospital.

"Mommy went to get you a warm blanket."

"Mommy's sad..."

"Do you think so?"

"Yeah." Ava wiped at her eyes.

"I think she's just worried about you."

"Why?" Ava gasped.

"She doesn't like to see you sick...neither do I." Derek whispered. "That's why we bring you here so you can get better."

"Yeah..." Ava swallowed, resting her head on her father.

"But when you talk to Mommy and make her laugh...it makes her feel better."

"I like when Mommy reads to me and plays princess with me and takes care of me."

"She likes it too."

"Is she coming back?"

"She is. She went to get you another blanket."

"Kay."

"I love you Aves."

"I love you too Daddy."

"Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." Derek laughed weakly. "Go to sleep."

"Love you Daddy."

"Love you too pumpkin." Derek whispered as Ava fell asleep on his chest. He looked down at her small body, realizing just how sick she really was. She was supposed to be growing up and playing with her friends, but she was here in the hospital, with cancer instead of being a regular kid. And no matter what Derek did or said, he couldn't get Meredith to open up to him and tell him just exactly how scared she was. Both his daughter and his wife were getting worse in front of his eyes and nothing that he was doing was making it any better.


	23. Chapter 23

"Derek don't let me forget to get Ava's stuffed monkey." Meredith breathed from the shower. The doctors had opted to keep Ava for a few extra days in the hospital so his mother had shown up at the hospital to stay with Ava so that they could get home and shower. Maybe even get some rest but Meredith just wanted to get back to her little girl.

"I won't...it's sitting next to the bag of stuff to bring back." Derek replied, standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom.

"Okay." Meredith breathed, washing her hair.

"Was there anything else we need?"

"I don't think so." Meredith replied.

"I hope Ava's getting some rest." Derek sighed, lifting the razor to his face. Between the stress and having been in the hospital for overnight, he looked like he hadn't shaved in a week.

"I hope so."

"She looked exhausted."

"She did."

"At least her stomach is feeling better."

"I just need to get back to her."

"We will."

"Do you think that rash from her IV will go away soon?"

"The doctor said it should be gone in a few days."

"I hope they can send her home with us soon." Meredith reached for her razor.

"Yeah." Derek sighed, washing off his face.

"I just need to get dressed after my shower and we can head back." Meredith replied, shaving her last leg.

"My mom left some food in the fridge."

"If you want to eat you can." Meredith pushed the shower curtain open and stepped out, bracing her hand on the wall.

"I..." Derek started to say as he turned around but before he could finish, Meredith collapsed right in front of him. "Meredith!"

"Oh..." She groaned, falling into his arms.

"Mer..."

Meredith relaxed into his arms, feeling her eyes open. It was blurry at first but then she saw her husband's worried face. "Hi."

"Hi."

"What just..." Meredith looked around, trying to sit up but her head felt light.

"You passed out." Derek whispered, running his hand over her wet hair.

"That's embarassing." She winced.

"I don't think you hit your head."

"I was hot and then I felt dizzy from the water and...I'm alright."

"Are you still dizzy...or nauseas?" He asked.

"Nauseas."

"Okay...do you think you can stand up?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay." Derek held her on her as she slowly tried to stand up.

"I just...oh..." Her legs gave out, and she fell into him. "Sorry."

"Its okay." He whispered, kissing her head, before grabbing the towel and wrapping around her body and then lifting her into his arms. "Here we go."

"I just need a minute and then we can go."

"We're not going anywhere." Derek put her down on their bed.

"We have to get to Ava."

"You just fainted, Meredith."

"Derek I just got hot in the shower." Meredith replied, pushing the towel off her body.

"No...you're not going anywhere." He laughed.

"If you want sex we can bang real quick."

"Meredith."

"What?"

Beth S says (8:28 PM)

"Not funny."

"I just...I need to be with her."

"She's in good hands."

"I know but I told her we would be back as soon as we showered."

"You just fainted."

"I just didn't eat breakfast this morning and had three cups of coffee...the shower was hot and..."

"And that was body's way of telling you that you need to slow down...and rest."

"I will rest with Ava." Meredith breathed, moving her hand to his chest. Her face was pale and she had dark bags under her eyes. "I'll curl up with her and watch cartoon movies about princess' and be Mommy."

"I'm not going to let you leave."

"Derek." Meredith groaned.

"I'm serious."

"So am I." Meredith moved to try and stand up.

"Meredith...doctor's orders."

"You're not my doctor." Meredith grabbed his shoulder.

"No...but I love you. And if you don't get some rest, fainting is going to be the least of your problems." Derek took her hands.

"Oh..."

"I'm going to get you a glass of water."

"Fine." Meredith sighed, knowing she needed to figure out a way to get to Ava. She loved her little girl and knew that she needed her. Meredith was dizzy and tired but she needed to get there because Ava was sick. Her little girl was sick and it was the worst thing they had ever been through.

"Drink this." Derek came back into the room with a glass of water and some food in the other hand.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." He got back on the bed with her.

"Here." Meredith swallowed.

"Not just a sip, Mer."

"Ava is waiting."

"You're not going."

"Yes I am." She argued.

"No."

"Derek..." Meredith groaned, pushing his shoulder.

"You fainted...and it wasn't from the heat of the shower." Derek got up and pulled a pair of her sweatpants from a drawer.

"Stop it." Meredith groaned, pulling the sweats from his hand.

"When was the last time you sat down and ate?"

"Derek...take me to see my daughter!"

"No." Derek breathed.

"Derek!"

"You need to lie down and get some rest."

"I'm going to the hospital." Meredith's eyes welled up with tears as she pulled the sweats on.

"No you're not." Derek sat on the edge of the bed.

"Yes." Meredith slapped his arm.

"If you go Meredith...you're going to end up in your own hospital room hooked up to an IV."

"Derek I'm going." Meredith hit him again, sobs escaping from her body.

"No." He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as she cried.

"Yes." She sobbed, leaning into him. "I have to."

"It's okay."

"Derek..."

"Hmm?"

"I can't do this."

"What?"

"I have to go." She sobbed, as he helped her lay back in the bed.

"It's okay, Mer." He whispered, holding her in his arms.

"She's so sick Derek."

"I know."

"And I can't...I can't look at her that sick without keeping busy."

"But you have to take care of yourself too." Derek breathed, rubbing her back. "She needs you. And you can't be there for her if you're fainting in the shower."

"I would do anything...to take her place."

"I know. Me too."

"And I watch as she loses her hair and she gets cut into and they pump the strongest of drugs into her and I can't do anything but sit there and watch. I know that she could die but I can't just sit there."

"She's going to be fine." He whispered.

"I just...I have to help her."

"We can't do anything for her right now."

"You see that's not fair...we're her parents and we just sit there and let her have cancer. I don't know how to just sit there Derek!" Meredith shouted.

"It's the only thing we can for her right now...everything else is up to her doctors." He breathed, rubbing her back gently.

"I feel like some annoying helicopter mother who can't even look away for a minute." Meredith wiped at her eyes.

"You're doing the best you can, Mer." Derek assured her. "There isn't a right way to do this."

"Derek if anything happens to her..."

"It won't."

"I'm so tired." Meredith laughed through her tears. She wasn't even sure why she was laughing. It was like being out of control. "I just...she's sick and I watch her every moment that I can."

"You need to get some sleep." Derek kissed her head.

"I could sleep in bed with Ava."

"You wouldn't sleep."

"I would." Meredith pulled her knees to her chest.

"Stay here...eat and get some sleep and you can go back to the hospital first thing in the morning."

"You want me to be away from her?" Meredith frowned.

"Just for tonight."

"And you'll stay with her tonight?" Meredith frowned, wiping at the corners of her eyes.

"If you promise me that if I leave you, you'll get some rest." Derek nodded.

"Until Zo and Hunter get home tonight with Lexie and Mark."

"They can take care of them. You need to sleep."

"Can I at least have some time with my two other children tonight?"

"You are permitted." He chuckled.

"And you will make sure I talk to Ava tonight...you will have her call me."

"I promise."

"One minute we were sending her off to school and trying to have another baby and then there was this." Meredith breathed.

"Just a bump in the road." Derek whispered, kissing her softly.

"Damn."

"We'll get through it."

"I just...I don't even recognize our family anymore."

"We're still the same family, Mer...just with some new things to deal with."

"Are we? Because your Mom said Zola says dog and I haven't heard her say it."

"We are."

"Hmm..." Meredith looked away, her eyes watering again.

"Hey..." Derek breathed. "You are...an amazing mother. And you're doing the best you can right now. You can't make yourself feel like this."

"I should have known she was sick."

"There's no way you could have known."

"She was feeling sick and I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary."

"Neither did I. Nobody did." Derek rubbed her back.

"I really miss her."

"You'll see her first thing in the morning." He kissed her cheek. "I'm going to get you some food before I go."

"Read to her when you're trying to get her to go to bed..." Meredith sighed.

"I will."

"She likes to read Eloise..."

"I know."

"Are you sure you can spend the night with her without me? I promise I'll rest."

"I'm sure."

"You're being bossy."

"Hmm...only trying to take care of you."

"How are you going to sleep without me?" She asked, lacing her fingers with his.

"I probably won't." He whispered, kissing her forehead.

"Oh."

"But I've slept the past couple of nights...and you haven't."

"You've been paying attention for someone who was sleeping."

"Go to sleep." Derek laughed, leaning over and kissing her again. "I'll have Ava call you later."

"Fine."

"Thank you."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Take care of her." Meredith sighed.

"You know I will."

"I guess I'll just stay here..." Meredith looked around the bed.

"Good idea."

"Oh and don't forget her..."

"Stuffed monkey. I got it."

"Right." Meredith sighed, reaching for her phone.

"I'll see you in the morning." Derek whispered, kissing her softly.

"See you first thing in the morning."

"Get some rest."

"I will." She smiled weakly, knowing there was no way he would take her with him,.

"Okay."

"Bye..."

"Bye." Derek kissed her again, leaving the bedroom. He knew how hard it was going to be for Meredith to stay home instead of going back to the hospital to be with Ava but she had to do it. If she was going to be able to take care of Ava, and Hunter and Zola she had to take care of herself and that meant staying home, eating and getting some rest.


	24. Chapter 24

Meredith sat up in the bed, looking around the dark room as street lights shined through the blue curtains. When she looked around the room, she remembered that Derek had made her stay home and catch up on her rest instead of being with Ava. She looked at her phone, realizing that she had slept for six hours straight which felt all kinds of amazing but she still missed her Ava. Derek had texted a picture of Ava eating some jello with the little girl that Ava had met at chemo. Sammy apparently had been very kind to Ava and Derek said that after talking to her parents, this was Sammy's second relapse of brain cancer. Relapsing was an idea that stayed in Meredith's mind, haunting her. She needed Ava to get better though, before they could even worry about it coming back.

She heard the sounds of Zola babbling downstairs and smiled when she heard little feet walking the halls. Zola and Hunter were downstairs with his mother and if she was home, she could at least sit with them. They needed her too and she hadn't forgotten that. Meredith tossed on a Dartmouth sweatshirt, adjusted the pants that were too big for her and then walked down the hallway and down the steps.

"Hey." Meredith breathed, looking around the kitchen. Hunter was drawing at the table and Zola was playing in the pantry, taking some boxes of food out.

"Hi Mommy!" Hunter jumped up, running over to her.

"How did you sleep, dear?" Mrs. Shepherd asked, lifting Zola from the pantry.

"I slept well." Meredith leaned over, hugging her son tightly.

"I'm glad." She smiled. "Would you like something to eat?"

"Um..." Meredith looked around. "Well I'm not really all that hungry but..."

"Mommy...eat with me." Hunter had his arms wrapped around her

"I can do that." Meredith whispered.

"What would you like dear?" Mrs. Shepherd asked. "I can make you anything you want."

"Oh you don't need to make me anything. I can eat an apple or some popcorn."

"Are you sure? I'll heat up some soup for you."

"Oh soup sounds nice." Meredith smiled, sitting at the table next to Hunter.

"Chicken soup or tomato?" Mrs. Shepherd asked.

"Tomato." Meredith watched as Hunter drew a picture of a soccer ball.

"Mommy...when's Ava coming home?" Hunter asked, looking up from his drawing.

"Hopefully soon." Meredith rubbed his hair.

"Tomorrow?"

"I don't know Hunter." Meredith sighed.

"I hope so."

"Me too." Meredith lifted Zola into her lap.

"Hi Zo." Hunter waved at his baby sister.

"Here Hunter." Mrs. Shepherd sat a plate of chicken strips and salad in front of Hunter. "Dinner time."

"Thanks Grandma."

"Thank you for making him Dinner...I can feed Zola." Meredith breathed, smelling Zola's hair.

"Don't worry about that. You just eat." She put a bowl of soup in front of Meredith.

"Thanks." Meredith smiled weakly as Hunter began to eat his salad.

"When's Dad coming home?" Hunter asked Meredith.

"He said he would come home tomorrow...to shower again and then he and I are going to go back to the hospital and hopefully we'll all be home by the end of the week."

"Oh. Okay."

"Once she is able to eat a good amount they will let her come home and she was eating some jello today so hopefully she will keep eating." Meredith tried to sound enthusiastic to her son so he wouldn't be scared. "She'll be home with us soon."

"A kid at school said people with cancer die." Hunter whispered.

"Oh." Meredith swallowed.

"But I told him Ava won't."

"That's right Hunter." Meredith whispered, her voice shaking.

"I think she's getting better." He took a bite of his chicken.

"You do?" Meredith asked as Carolyn watched intently.

"Yup."

"I'm glad you know that Hunter."

"Hunter...I bought you some new stuff to pack for your school lunches." Mrs. Shepherd said.

"Yeah?" Hunter looked up, eating his last bite.

"Goldfish were on sale so I bought you those...and some new cookies."

"When Ava comes home will you make her favorite cookies?" Hunter asked.

"Of course."

"Thanks Grandma." Hunter smiled, carrying his plate over to the sink.

"You're welcome." Mrs. Shepherd smiled.

"Mom..." Hunter sat back down next to Meredith. "You haven't finished your soup."

"Oh um...but you're all done and you don't have to wait for me bud. I'm not too hungry." Meredith smiled, kissing his cheek. "Is your homework done?"

"You have to eat, Mommy."

"I am...see." Meredith leaned over her bowl, taking a bite from her spoon. "Yumm..."

"Okay." Hunter laughed.

"Ba!" Zola shouted, reaching out from Mrs. Shepherd to Meredith.

"Hi Zo." Meredith giggled.

"You're getting so big, aren't you?" Mrs. Shepherd laughed, bouncing Zola in her arms.

"Grandma can I go finish my science homework and then play a Wii game?" Hunter asked.

"That's up to your Mom."

"Yeah Hunter...just wash your hands and face first from Dinner." Meredith breathed. "And tonight if you want...and if Grandma wants we can watch a movie and all sit down and enjoy it."

"Cool!"

"Now go finish your homework...so we can have a good night." Meredith tried to be energetic. If she was going to be home, she needed to spend the time with her two other children whom she missed terribly.

"It won't take long! It's easy." Hunter hurried out of the kitchen.

"He's such a bright boy." Mrs. Shepherd chuckled.

"We're really lucky."

"Yes you are."

"I can't even...just thank you so much. For all of the help."

"Oh I love spending time with my grandchildren."

"I'm sure this is far more than you bargained for."

"It's not a problem at all, dear. I wish I could do more." Mrs. Shepherd replied.

"You've just done so much and it's making me feel like a horrible mother because I can't take care of all three at once right now and it sucks because they're my kids and I'm just glad that they have you."

"You are far from a horrible mother, Meredith. This isn't a process that comes with a handbook or guidelines."

"It'd be easier."

"Of course it would." Mrs. Shepherd chuckled. "I understand why you're feeling this way. Any mother would."

"Would you?" Meredith wanted to know.

"Of course."

"Derek thinks I'm having a meltdown or whatever it is and I just...there are so many things going through my head that focusing on them is better then sitting there and worrying about Ava's cancer." Meredith explained.

"I understand that, dear. I do. But Derek is right. You can't do this all on your own. You have to let people help...whether it's me, or Derek or Mark or your sister...we're all here for you for whatever you need so the only thing you have to do is take care of Ava."

"I'm not taking everything on myself...Derek is there...you're helping and so is everyone else."

"Not just physically, but emotionally as well. I know it's hard. It's the burden of being a mother."

"It all seems too big."

"I know." Mrs. Shepherd put her arms around Meredith. "But we're all here for you."

"Thanks."

"Mom! I'm done with my homework." Hunter came back into the kitchen. "I told you it would be easy."

"Perfect." Meredith looked up at his mother, her eyes were watering again and the last thing she wanted to do was cry.

"Mommy." Hunter frowned.

"Yes?" Meredith looked at the wall, away from her son.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm not sweetie...my eyes are just watering." Meredith lied.

"I'm eight, Mom. I know when you're crying." Hunter hugged Meredith. "Don't cry."

"I'm okay Hunter." Meredith hugged her son back. "Why don't you go pick out a movie Bud."

"Can we watch Star Wars?"

"If Grandma wants to." Meredith laughed weakly. She didn't really enjoy those movies that much but her son loved them and something about that was enough for her to want to watch it.

"It's fine with me." Mrs. Shepherd laughed.

"Yay!" Hunter jumped up and down. "I'll go put it in. Can we make popcorn?"

"Sure." Meredith giggled.

"You guys go get comfortable and I'll get the popcorn and bring Zola in." Mrs. Shepherd told them.

"Okay..." Meredith stood, knowing that she needed to talk to her son.

"Come on Mom."

"I'm coming," Meredith followed her son into the family room. She sat down, pulling a pillow over her lap and looked up. "Are you doing alright Hunter?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

"I'm sorry we've been so busy."

"It's okay. Ava's sick."

"Yeah but I want to make sure you and Zola are okay too." Meredith pulled on his hand so he would come sit with her.

"I'm okay." Hunter shrugged his soldiers. "I miss you..."

"I know and I've missed you so much too Bud." Meredith smiled weakly.

"I don't like it when you're sad."

"I'm not sad..."

"You're sad cause Ava is sick."

"I'm not sad Hunter...I'm a little scared but I'm not sad. And its okay to be scared." Meredith tried to explain.

"I know."

"We just want Ava to get better."

"I do too."

"And sometimes she'll be in the hospital but other times she'll be here with us."

"Is Daddy going to be gone too?"

"I don't know. I think we're going to try and split some stuff up better."

"Okay."

"And since we're getting used to everything I think it will be easier. And I think we can do something special for when Ava comes back. What do you think about that?"

"That'd be fun."

"That'd be fun."

"She misses you and Zola a lot."

"I miss her too." Hunter sat on the couch, resting his head on Meredith's shoulder.

"She hates the hospital."

"I like it. I want to be a doctor like you and Dad."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Dad said I had to good in science to be a doctor and I got an A on my science test yesterday."

"Hey...way to go." Meredith put her hand up.

"Thanks." Hunter grinned, high fiving his mom.

"I'm proud of you Hunter and when I was little I had never really heard it so I want you to know when you're making us proud and you are..." Meredith breathed.

"I know."

"I just...you're a really good boy and you're only eight so you shouldn't be worried and Daddy and I...we need to do a better job of treating you like you're eight."

"I'm okay Mom."

"I know Hunter but we're here for you." Meredith bit her lip.

"I know that."

"And if you have any questions or..."

"I love you Mom." Hunter smiled, hugging Meredith.

"I love you too Hunter." Meredith hugged him tight, holding him against her. "I love you so much."

"Can we watch the movie now?"

"Go get Grandma and then we can." Meredith giggled, pulling away. She loved her son and right now she wasn't sure she could love her little man more.

"Okay." Hunter smiled. "I'll get you extra butter for the popcorn."

"Good boy." Meredith laughed as her son ran off to the kitchen. They were going to watch a movie and she would hopefully rock her baby girl to sleep. It was hard being away from Ava but being with Hunter and Zo made her heart feel good. She was scared, but she wanted to show her children that they all mattered and that she was here if they needed her.


	25. Chapter 25

Spending the night in the hospital with Ava without Meredith was a challenge. The first thing Ava had asked when Derek had gotten back was where her mom is and Derek had promised his daughter that Meredith would be back first thing in the morning to see her. That had been enough to get Ava to calm down and go to sleep and she had had such a good night that Arizona and Alex had told him that after

running some tests, she would be allowed to go home.

Just as soon as they had taken Ava from the room, he had left to go home and pick up Meredith, only hoping that she had had a good dinner and gotten some sleep. It hadn't been easy to spend the night in the hospital without her but he knew that Meredith needed to be at home taking care of herself so that she could take care of Ava the best she could.

"Mer...I'm here!" Derek called, walking up the stairs in his mother's house. He went into the nursery to check on Zola who was quietly taking her nap before going into his and Meredith's bedroom.

"Shh...she's sleeping." Meredith breathed as she stood in front of the bed, folding some of the children's clothing.

"I know. Out like a light as usual." He walked over and kissed her quickly. "Good morning."

"Morning." Meredith reached for a dress of Ava's. "How is Ava this morning?"

"Great." Derek smiled.

"Has she been eating anything?" Meredith turned, leaning on the dresser.

"She had oatmeal and a fruit cup for breakfast."

"Oh good."

"How did you sleep?"

"Good...I fell asleep with Zola in our bed."

"I missed you last night." He wrapped his arms around her.

"Mmm...I missed you too."

"I'm glad you got some rest."

"I did my part."

"I know."

"Now as soon as Zola wakes up we can get going." Meredith breathed.

"Hmm...not so fast."

"What?" She frowned, tossing the baby bag on the bed.

"We have some time before we have to go back and pick her up."

"Want to help me plan her math lesson?" Meredith asked, tossing some diapers into the bag.

"Mer..." Derek laughed.

"What?"

"You don't have to pack anything. She's coming home today."

"I know but Lexie and Mark are watching Zola while we go to the hospital or do you think we can take her with us?"

"I don't know." He put his arms back around her.

"I guess it would probably be fine to take Zo." Meredith decided.

"Okay."

"Which means we need to change Zola's onesie before we leave."

"We will." He whispered, kissing her softly.

"I'll go grab one." She murmured against his lips.

"Hey...wait."

"What?" She laughed, pulling away. She just wanted to see her little girl.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too." She rubbed his arm.

"Come here..." Derek smiled, pulling her back to him.

"Why?"

"Zola's asleep...Hunter's at school..."

"Ava is waiting for us...so lets move Zola into the car and maybe she can sleep on the ride." Meredith suggested.

"They took her for some tests...we have time."

"Fine...what?"

"We have time.' He whispered.

"Okay..."

"I miss my wife." Derek breathed.

"I'm right here."

"I have spell this out don't I..." He laughed.

"We can lay down together...nap if you want."

"Hmm...I was thinking something else." Derek whispered against her lips.

"Yeah?"

"Yes.

"Something tells me it isn't folding laundry."

"You'd be right." He breathed, running his hand down her back to her ass.

"Derek..." She giggled, pushing her hips into him.

"It's been so long..."

"Since before we found out."

"Hmm..."

"Not even showers." Meredith giggled.

"Nope."

"We love showers together."

"I miss you." He repeated.

"Shouldn't we get to the hospital...be there early like good productive...punctual parents."

"We'd just be sitting in a room all alone."

"But we're her team."

"It's going to be a few hours."

"Promise?" Meredith sighed, running her hands over his chest.

"I promise." Derek whispered, kissing her softly.

"And she's not scared or going to miss us?"

"No."

"I guess we could let Zola sleep for a little while."

"Mer..." He chuckled. "Stop thinking."

"It's me...you shouldn't be surprised." Meredith giggled as she backed into the wall.

"I'm not." Derek laughed, moving his hands the buttons on her blouse.

"You know Zola does this thing where she grabs your face and slobbers on you." Meredith laughed before kissing him hard.

"Mmm..."

"She's the happiest little teether."

"And she's asleep." He moved his lips to her neck.

"I...Ava and Hunter...Hunter was the worst with teething. I thought we were going to get divorced based on our arguments because of the lack of sleep." Meredith moaned.

"Meredith."

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Shame..."

"I don't think so." He moved his hands to the button on her jeans.

"You don't think?" She smirked, turning to face him before kicking the jeans to the side.

"Not at all...laundry can wait."

"I'm willing to put it off until later..." She whispered, moving her fingers to his hair.

"Okay...good." Derek smiled against her lips.

"If you'll put me...on now or whatever."

"Okay." He laughed, pulling her down on the bed with him and kissing her neck.

"Derek." She giggled.

"Hmm?"

"Feels nice having you on me again..."

"Mmm...it does."

"So good."

"Uh huh..." He pulled his shirt over his head.

"Hurry." She giggled, tossing her shirt to the side.

"I am..."

"Condoms...purse."

"Oh yeah."

"Not a good time for a new baby."

"Yeah..." He sighed, getting up to grab a condom.

"Derek..." She moaned, running her hands over her naked body.

"Coming..." Derek took off his jeans and climbed back on top of her. "Mmm..."

"Covers..." Meredith reached for the blankets. It was only early November but the winter weather was starting to kick in.

"Warm enough?" He whispered, pulling the blankets over them and sliding on the condom.

"Uh huh..." Meredith reached down, massaging his length.

"Oh..."

"Sensitive..." Meredith sat up on her knees.

"It's been a long time." He breathed.

"Too long."

"Mmhmm." He grabbed her face and kissed her.

"Oh wow..."

"Love you..." Derek whispered, pushing himself into her.

"Ooh..."

"Oh...

"Derek..."

"Hmm?"

"I just...feels good." She moaned, wrapping her legs around him.

"Yeah..." He breathed, kissing her hard.

"Ooh..."

"Mmm..."

"Feels good, right?" Meredith rolled on top of him.

"Yes...oh...' Derek moaned, looking up at her.

"Der..." She gasped, lacing her fingers with his as she moved her hips over his. She felt his hands on her back, digging into her skin.

"I missed this..." He breathed, pushing his hips up against hers.

"Me too." She moaned, bracing herself on the bed.

"Oh..."

"I...love you so much." Meredith said quietly, her eyes watering as she looked at him, his own hands moving to her long blonde waves.

"Hey..."

"I just...I love you and the kids and..."

"I love you too."

"Ooh..."

"I love you." He said again,reaching up and wiping the tears from her face.

"Hmm." She smiled, before pressing her lips against his, her hips moving slowly over him.

"Mmm..." Derek moaned against her lips.

"Oh..."

"Mer..."

"Ooh...Derek..."

"I...oh gosh..." He moaned, moving so he was on top again.

"Oh."

"Meredith..."

"Oh god..." Meredith moaned, her breasts rubbing against his chest.

"Oh..." Derek breathed, running his hands down her back to her ass.

"Derek." She smiled against his lips, her legs beginning to shake around him as she felt him bury himself deeper within her. She moaned, grasping his hair as she began to feel the orgasm coming over her.

"I'm...oh...I'm..."

"Ooh..."

"Mer..." He gasped, kissing her deeply as he spilled into her.

"Der..."

"Mmm..."

"Oh my..." Meredith gasped one last time, before falling back against the pillows.

"Oh."

"That was..."

"I know."

"Amazing."

"Yeah."

"Oh wow." She giggled, kissing him hard.

"Better than laundry." He smiled against her lips.

"Agreed."

"Mmm...love you..."

"I love you."

"Everything's going to be okay." Derek whispered, running his thumb over her cheek.

"Sometimes that's just what people say."

"Yeah...but this time it's true."

"And now you're married to a homeschool mama."

"Kinda hot."

"Now you have said this before..."

"I know. I meant it."

"You clearly haven't seen my try to do arts and crafts with Ava."

"Macaroni necklaces...fingerpainting...sounds fun."

"There have been no necklaces made of pasta...but there was finger paint and glitter where Ava got mad at me for making too big of a mess." Meredith giggled.

"I guess thats why I haven't seen any finished products yet?" Derek laughed.

"She's having trouble cutting shapes." Meredith sighed.

"She'll get it."

"I think her hands just get too tired from being sick but she says she's just not good at it." Meredith smiled.

"Hmm...she will be." He leaned over and kissed her.

"Can we go see her now?"

"We can go get her and bring her home." Derek smiled.

"I'll get dressed." She kissed him quickly.

"Okay."

"And you should put pants on."

"I will."

"And then go get Zola?"

"Yeah."

"Perfect." Meredith kissed him again.

"Love you." Derek smiled against her lips.

"I'll be right back." She breathed, walking into the bathroom and leaving him there.

"Okay." He leaned back on the pillows, running his hands through his hair. It had been so long since Derek had alone time with his wife. They barely had time for a kiss let alone sex and it had been nice to enjoy each other in the little bit of time they had alone. But Derek couldn't help but feel that there was a dark cloud over them and that nothing would be normal until he knew that his

daughter was going to make it through this.


	26. Chapter 26

Meredith knew one thing was for sure. She was in over her head. Ava seemed to love being homeschooled but in order to maintain Ava's interest, there had to be artsy activities and Meredith wasn't so good at those. The current lesson in the books was Thanksgiving since it was just around the corner. Every store, worksheet and project had something to do with Thanksgiving and giving thanks to the people around you. So Meredith had found a project where they would outline their hands then pain and decorate the picture to look like a turkey. Ava loved it and since it was a Saturday morning Hunter was doing it too. Zola was into everything as Derek's mother cooked and for some strange reason her husband, the brain surgeon, seemed to enjoy tracing his hand. Ava of course didn't feel her best, but the five year old was doing her best to have fun. "Okay Ava...hold your hand still."

"I'm trying..." Ava held her hand against the white piece of paper as they sat at the dining room table.

"Okay...I'm going to trace your hand."

"In pink please."

"Well I'm going to trace it in brown so it looks like a turkey." Meredith reached for the skinny brown marker. "Just like I did for Hunter."

"No...I want pink!"

"You can't do pink for Thanksgiving, Ava." Hunter laughed, reaching for some markers.

"Yeah Aves." Meredith reached to press Ava's hand to the paper.

"Can I use pink glitter?"

"That's not a thanksgiving color."

"I don't care." Ava sighed.

"You don't?" Meredith breathed as she finished tracing the little girl's hand.

"I like pink."

"Ava...what do you think of Daddy's hand?" Derek asked, holding up the outline of his hand.

"It's nice." Ava shrugged, before throwing the markers on the floor.

"Ava." He frowned.

"I want a pink turkey." Ava whimpered.

"You can have a pink turkey but you can't throw markers." Meredith frowned, lifting Ava into her lap.

"Look at mine." Hunter held his up.

"That's very nice Hunter." Meredith smiled.

"Thanks Mom." He smiled, putting his paper down and picking the markers up off the floor.

"Thank you Hunter." Derek put his pen down.

"Hey..." Meredith whispered in her little girl's ear. "What's wrong Miss. Ava? "

"My tummy hurts." Ava whispered.

"Do you want some medicine?"

"No."

"Well we can't throw things Ava...remember?"

"Fine."

"Do you know why we can't?" Meredith asked, reaching for a paint brush.

"Yeah..." Ava whispered.

""Why?" Meredith kissed her cheek.

"Cause it's not nice."

"That's right." Meredith breathed, handing Ava a paintbrush.

"I'm tired Mommy." Ava whispered.

"I can help you paint Ava." Hunter walked over to the side, taking Ava's paper and putting it in front of him.

"Thank you Hunter." Meredith smiled.

"Can you do pink?" Ava asked her brother.

"Yeah but don't tell other people I used pink." Hunter nodded.

"Okay." Ava giggled weakly.

"Derek...where is Zola?" Meredith looked around suddenly, their baby not crawling around the table.

"I've got here." Mrs. Shepherd laughed, coming out of the kitchen. "She crawled in here."

"Oh...you're sneaky." Derek laughed, standing up and taking Zola.

"Ava Dear...would you like something to eat?" His mother asked.

"No." Ava shook her head.

"Ava..." Meredith pleaded.

"No!"

"Ava." Meredith sighed.

"Do you want to sit with Daddy?" Derek asked, putting Zola into her high chair.

"Yeah." Ava yawned.

"Okay." He lifted her up into his arms.

"Someone is cranky." Meredith smirked.

"No I'm not." Ava pouted.

"Look at Daddy's turkey, Ava." Derek held up the outline of his hand that he had tried to draw feathers on.

"It's pretty." Ava looked up.

"I think it's kind of silly."

"It's got a funny face."

"I didn't draw a face." Derek laughed.

"Oh." Ava giggled, moving her small hands over the picture.

"Ava what if I make you some homemade applesauce?" His mother suggested.

"But I'm not hungry."

"Ava you gotta eat so you can get strong." Hunter explained.

"It makes my tummy hurt more." Ava said.

"Applesauce will make it feel better." Derek told her.

"No." Ava whined.

"Please...for Daddy."

"No." Ava groaned.

"Maybe later." Derek sighed, looking at Meredith.

"I'll put a batch of chocolate chip and carrot cake muffins in the oven...they're her favorite." Mrs. Shepherd suggested.

"Thanks Mom."

"No problem." She smiled, walking towards the kitchen. "I will get them started."

"Daddy." Ava whined.

"What pumpkin?"

"My tummy hurts."

"Do you want to lie down?"

"No." Ava whined.

"What do you want to do?" Derek asked.

"I don't know." Ava scratched under the hot pink cap she was wearing.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

"No." Ava shook her head.

"Ava why don't you tell Daddy what you learned about Thanksgiving today." Meredith said quickly, as she handed Hunter a paper towel to wipe his hands with.

"What did you learn?" Derek asked.

"I learned that the pilgrims went to this place...and they had Thanksgiving with the Native American's and it was called um...it was a rock." Ava explained.

"Plymouth Rock." Hunter added.

"Did Mommy teach you all of that?"

"Yeah and she's so smart." Ava replied.

"I know." Derek laughed.

"Thanks Aves." Meredith laughed.

"Did you learn anything else?" Derek asked Ava, fixing her hat.

"I learn a lot." Ava smiled at her mother.

"Your mom is a good teacher."

"Yeah." Ava agreed.

"I think so too." He smiled.

"Hunter you are making a very nice...pretty turkey for Ava." Meredith smiled, leaning over and kissing his cheek. "Ava do you want to come help add glitter?"

"Yeah." Ava got off of Derek's lap.

"Do you like it Ava?" Hunter asked as Meredith opened the tube of glue.

"Yeah...do more pink though." Ava watched, putting her hand over her stomach.

"Here." Hunter handed Ava the paintbrush.

"No. My tummy hurts." She put both of her hands over her stomach. "Mommy..."

"I've got you." Meredith lifted her into her lap.

"It hurts." Ava started to cry.

"I know." Meredith rubbed her back, lifting her and carrying her into the other room so that she could have some quiet for a moment as Zola babbled. She hated knowing that Ava was in pain and there wasn't much she could do. But she could try and distract her. "Where does it hurt."

"In my belly." Ava pointed.

"I'm sorry Ava..." Meredith took a deep breath, fighting the urge to freak out and call Arizona over every little pain. "What can I do to make it better?"

"I don't know." She said in between cries.

"Cancer isn't very friendly is it?"

"No."

"It wasn't paying attention when we learned about manners." Meredith breathed, holding Ava close as Derek walked in quietly. "I love you Ava."

"Is everything okay?" Derek asked.

"She's having some stomach pain." Meredith looked up at him.

"Oh." Derek frowned, sitting down next to them. "Ava, do you feel like you're going to throw up or does your tummy just hurt?

"Just hurts." She cried.

"Okay." He sighed, kissing her head. "Can you lie here for a second while I talk to Mommy?"

"Yeah." Ava whimpered.

"Okay." Derek kissed her head again. "We'll be right back, pumpkin."

"We'll be back." Meredith assured her, looking away as Derek took her hand and led her into the hall.

"I think we should call Alex or Arizona."

"I was worried that we call too much...I mean I called yesterday when she was screaming because her head hurt."

"But this is...where the mass was." He breathed.

"The mass wasn't even caused by the Leukemia and if she has...Derek what if she has more cancer...what if it isn't just Leukemia. We're doctors and..."

"One step at a time." Derek whispered.

"But you think we should call?"

"Either that or take her to the hospital."

"Why don't you call Alex...he said he was on call today." Meredith replied.

"Okay."

"I'll sit with her." Meredith breathed.

"I'm sure it's fine." He tried to assure himself and Meredith at the same time.

"Just call." She kissed him quickly.

"I will. I'll be right back." Derek sighed, as Meredith disappeared back into the living room and he reached into his pocket for his cell phone, scrolling to find Alex's pager number. What was supposed to have been a day relaxing with their family and getting ready for Thanksgiving had turned into a scare but Derek knew now that was what happened when you had a child with a cancer. There was no normal and things were never certain and all he could do was try to convince himself that everything was okay.


	27. Chapter 27

"What are you doing Aves?" Derek laughed, sitting on the couch with his arms around Meredith as they watched their little girl play on the floor in front of them. She was finally perked up from her last chemo treatment and had so much energy today that it was almost hard to keep up with her. And while it was hard not being able to take her anywhere, Ava always seemed to find a way to amuse herself

and entertain them.

"Playin' Babies." Ava said, walking around her toy changing table, holding her baby over her shoulder. She was wearing a bright pink princess dress and fake clip on earrings.

"Playing babies." Meredith mimicked.

"What's your baby's name?" Derek laughed, kissing Meredith's cheek.

"Umm...Barbie."

"Very creative."

"It's the only name she knows." Meredith giggled.

"You're very nice to your baby." Derek smiled.

"I'm like Mommy." Ava smiled proudly, before sitting the baby in the toy stroller.

"I think that was a compliment for you." Derek smiled, squeezing Meredith's hand

"Ava you are just so nice." Meredith laughed, as Ava walked over to them.

"What's up pumpkin?"

"I want up." Ava crawled onto Derek's lap.

"Do you feel okay?"

"Yep." Ava giggled.

"I love you Ava." Derek kissed her head.

"Love you." Ava whispered, before kissing Meredith's head. "Love you Mommy."

"Love you Ava."

"I'm sorry you couldn't go out with Uncle Mark and Grandma." Derek told her.

"It's okay." Ava shrugged. Unfortunately their little girl was more than used to having to stay behind.

"I promise we'll take you when you're better."

"I wanna go to the zoo when I'm better." Ava replied, playing with Meredith's long hair.

"We can do that."

"Ava...are you sleepy?" Meredith asked.

"Nope." Ava shook her head, jumping off of Derek's lap.

"Careful Ava." Derek breathed.

"I'm fine." Ava rolled her eyes, before standing up on the other side of the couch.

"Oh okay." He laughed, looking at Meredith. "The eye roll is already starting."

"She gets it from me." Meredith jumped up, holding her hands out for Ava. "Here Miss. Ava..."

"Mommy play dress up with me!"

"What am I going to dress up as?" Meredith asked, kissing Ava's cheeks.

"A princess."

"Oh okay." She laughed.

"And Daddy can play too!" Ava jumped up and down.

"Come on Derek." Meredith giggled, hugging Ava tight.

"What am I going to be?" Derek asked, standing up.

"The prince!" Ava shouted.

"Prince Daddy?"

"No!" Ava groaned as she handed him a hat. "Prince Derek!'

"She told you." Meredith laughed.

"Do I get to kiss the princess?" Derek asked, putting the hat on.

"You gotta." Ava nodded.

"Ooh...lucky us." Meredith teased, crawling over to him.

"Okay." Derek grinned. "Can I kiss the princess now?"

"You gotta wait." Ava sighed.

"Okay okay." He laughed.

"You are just so cute." Meredith pulled Ava into her lap. She had never thought she would be the mother to kiss it better and want to cuddle at every moment but since the moment Hunter had been born she had been. She was still able to be a great kick ass surgeon but her kids mattered. She wasn't going to do what her mother did. "And who are you miss Ava?"

"The queen." Ava giggled.

"Oh I see...well you are a very pretty queen." Meredith kissed her cheek.

"I am going to steal you and Daddy...he...has to rescue you!" Ava gasped.

"So you're a scary queen?"

"No..."

"Then why are you going to steal me?" Meredith asked.

"Cause I gotta."

"Oh okay." Meredith giggled, noticing how pale her daughter had become in the past three months. Still she looked better than she had in weeks.

"Can I have something to drink though?" Ava asked, looking up at Meredith. "Please."

"Of course." Meredith kissed her nose. "I'll be right back...stay with your Dad."

"Kay." Ava smiled.

"Juice?" Meredith stood.

"Apple please."

"Yes mam." Meredith said, before leaving the room.

"Are you going to wear a crown Aves?" Derek asked.

"The queen one."

"That's a big crown for such a little girl."

"But I'm a good queen." Ava said proudly, jumping up and down.

"I bet."

"And you gotta be good to Mommy cause she's the princess." Ava sniffled.

"Do you need to blow your nose?" Derek asked.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh huh."

"I'm back." Meredith walked in with a Minnie Mouse sippie cup.

"Juice." Ava jumped up and took the cup.

"She seems a little congested." Derek stood up.

"Is she running a fever?"

"Ava, let me feel your head." He put his hand on her forehead quickly before she started to move around again. "She doesn't feel warm."

"Well let's just keep an eye...last time we freaked out over her stomach pain and she was just constipated. So we'll keep an eye...maybe she just needs a nice warm bath tonight." Meredith shrugged.

"Yeah." Derek sighed.

"She's been jumping around."

"I know." He smiled, kissing her quickly.

"Ava its kind of nice to have you to ourselves when you're feeling good." Meredith giggled.

"Can we play outside?" Ava asked.

"Um...I don't see why not..." Meredith looked up at Derek.

"You have to put your coat on and a hat and gloves." Derek told her.

"Kay!" Ava clapped. "I'll be right back...stay here!"

"We're not going anywhere." He laughed.

"I missed this." Meredith breathed.

"Hmm...me too."

"It almost makes me forget she's sick."

"I know." He sighed, wrapping his arms around her.

"I got my stuff." Ava came running in with her hat, and gloves. "I already put my coat on."

"Good girl."

"Let's just put the gloves on..." Meredith sat up.

"We can't go too far from the house okay?" Derek helped her put the pink hat on.

"Can we play on Grandma's swingset?" She asked.

"Sure."

"Come on!" Ava ran for the back door.

"Ava...wait for us." Derek called.

"Come on." Meredith laughed, reaching for her coat.

"I don't think she should stay out for long but a little while couldn't hurt." Derek smiled, holding Meredith's hand as they walked out the back door.

"Agreed."

"Are you warm enough Aves?" Derek asked as they got outside.

"Yeah." Ava coughed.

"Do you want to swing?" Meredith asked.

"Uh huh!"

"Come on." Meredith walked over to the swing, lifting Ava onto it.

"Daddy! Push me!"

"Okay...but not too high." Derek walked behind the swingset.

"You gotta push kinda high!" Ava shouted.

"I'll try." He laughed, starting to push her.

"Ava smile." Meredith held out her phone, trying to get a good picture.

"Okay." Ava grinned, looking at the camera.

"Good girl." Meredith smiled proudly. She was smiling ear to ear because Ava looked like she was actually having fun and that meant something.

"Is that high enough?" Derek asked.

"Yeah." Ava giggled.

"Okay." He laughed.

"This is..." Ava cleared her throat, letting out a small cough. "This is fun!"

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Only a few more minutes, okay? We don't want you to catch a cold."

"No." Ava groaned.

"Sorry pumpkin."

"I'm not cold." Ava whined.

"I know...but you don't want to get sick."

"I won't."

"It's cold, Ava."

"Please Mommy." Ava pouted.

"I..." Meredith looked up at Derek, her eyes pleading.

"Okay. A few more minutes."

"Yay!"

"But then we have to go inside."

"And then I think you should take a nap." Meredith suggested.

"But I'm not sleepy." Ava whined.

"If you're going to stay outside you have to take nap. And when you wake up Hunter and Zo and Grandma will be home." Derek told her.

"What will it be?" Meredith asked.

"That's not fair." Ava crossed her arms.

"Oh it isn't?" Merdith kneeled down.

"I want to stay outside and play." Ava whispered.

"I know." Meredith breathed. "How would you feel if after we went inside you and I laid in bed and watched a movie. We can have quiet time."

"No..."

"Why?"

"Cause..."

"Oh dear." Meredith giggled, standing up before lifting Ava onto her hip.

"I don't want to go inside!"

"I know but your nose is running..."

"Put me down." Ava squirmed.

"Ava Sophia...we're going inside." Derek sighed.

"Sweetie...I know you want to stay longer but you can't. You can't get a cold."

"No!"

"Somebody needs a nap.' Derek opened the back door for her to carry Ava inside.

"Ava you won't admit that you're sleepy but I know you are." Meredith replied.

"Í'll go lie down with you." Derek suggested.

"No." Ava cried as Meredith sat her down on a kitchen chair.

"You don't wait to go upstairs and lie down in the big bed with Daddy?" Derek asked, kneeling down in front of her.

"Huh uh." Ava shook her head.

"Why not?"

"Cause!" Ava groaned, before coughing again.

"Ava..." Derek frowned.

"Ava you need to calm down." Meredith leaned over as Ava coughed harder.

"Take deep breaths." Derek whispered, rubbing her back.

"I don't like that cough." Meredith frowned.

"I think she just overdid herself."

"Okay..." Meredith sighed, lifting Ava again.

"Go upstairs and lay down with Mommy." Derek sighed.

"Can we go lay down now?" Meredith asked.

"Okay." Ava coughed again.

"Are you coming with us?" Meredith asked Derek as she took Ava's gloves off.

"I'll be up in a second."

"Okay." Meredith kissed him quickly.

"I'll see you in a second Ava." Derek smiled, sitting down at the kitchen table. For the first time in weeks, his daughter was actually having fun. She was running around and playing like a normal kid should and it was great to see. But it was amazing how one cough, or one sniffle put him and Meredith immediately on high alert even though he was sure it was nothing.


	28. Chapter 28

When Meredith had gone to bed that night she had thought it would be hard to get to sleep. Zola was starting to teeth and Hunter had been up a little later than normal working on his science project. Ava had gone to bed two hours earlier than normal but she had done a lot that day with playing outside. She had gotten cranky but Meredith and Derek found it hard to get upset with her. She was very rarely a cranky child and it was clear that her illness had everything to do with it. So Meredith had thought she wouldn't be able to sleep because she had so much to think about but she had fallen right to sleep. Except now, her eyes were open and when she looked at the clock it was only fifteen after midnight. She looked over at Derek who was sound asleep then at Ava whose cough had first woken her up. It had gotten worse throughout the day but they decided they would take her to see Arizona in the morning. It was probably a cold which wasn't good but Ava would get over it and Arizona would know what to do. Except as she looked at her daughter, she could hear just how congested she was and the cough was sounding deeper. Chances were it had already been in her body for a day or two but the cold was just now setting in. She frowned, putting her hand to Ava's small head and she realized her child was burning up. This wasn't right and fevers let alone being sick with a cold wasn't that good. If she had a fever they needed to be more concerned. "Derek...Derek wake up."

"Hmm..." Derek groaned, rolling over onto his back, not opening his eyes all the way. "

"Derek..." She leaned over, shaking his shoulder.

"What?" He opened his eyes. "What time is it?"

"Twelve Twenty." She whispered.

"Ava..." Derek sat up quickly when he heard his daughter cough.

"She's burning up."

"Did you take her temperature?"

"No I haven't woken her up yet."

"I'll get the thermometer." He yawned, getting out of bed.

"Ava...Ava..." Meredith lifted her daughter into her lap.

"Mommy..." Ava woke up slowly and started to cough again

"I'm right here..."

"I don't feel good."

"I know." Meredith reached for Ava's juice.

"I..." Ava began but then started to cough.

"Okay...alright." Meredith adjusted Ava in her lap. "Try to take a deep breath."

"Okay I have the thermometer." Derek came back out from the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Okay...open your mouth Ava."

"Under your tongue." Derek held the thermometer. "Just hold on..."

"It will be done in just a second." Meredith breathed, looking up at Derek.

"It's okay." He whispered, kissing her head as the thermometer started to beep and he looked down at it. "Oh..."

"What is it?" Meredith knew the look on her husband's face wasn't good as Ava leaned into her chest.

"Hundred and three."

"That's high."

"She needs to go to the hospital."

"Yeah." Meredith reached for the small princess blanket.

"Okay." Derek tried to stay calm but his heart was pounding. Normally at the mention of the hospital, Ava would start to scream and cry but she had no reaction but to start coughing again.

"She's lethargic." Meredith breathed, hearing a knock at the bedroom door.

"Come in." Derek stood up from the bed to grab some clothes.

"Derek? Meredith?" His mother stepped slowly into the room.

"Hi Mom." He sighed, pulling on a sweatshirt.

"What's going on?" The older woman asked, going straight to the bed and sitting in front of her Grandbaby.

"We have to take Ava into the hospital."

"What's wrong?" She frowned, stroking Ava's cheek.

"She has a high fever and she's been coughing all night." He sighed, handing Meredith a pair of pants.

"She's lethargic...not with it at all." Meredith sighed. "Can someone take her for a minute so I can change?"

"Of course." Mrs. Shepherd took her granddaughter into her lap.

"I'll be back." Meredith said before walking into the restroom.

"I hate to ask you one more favor but we need you to stay here with Zo and Hunter." Derek told his mother.

"Oh it's no problem dear...I'll look after them for however long."

"Thanks."

"She's burning up." His mother frowned.

"Her temperature is a hundred and three." Derek grabbed a pair of jeans.

"Oh dear."

"Okay...I'm ready." Meredith walked in, reaching for Ava's coat. "Let's slide her coat on then wrap her in a blanket.

"I'll change while you do that." Derek sighed, quickly going into the bathroom.

"Call me and give me an update whenever you can." Mrs. Shepherd helped her put Ava's coat on.

"Ava...we're going to take you to a doctor." Meredith said gently.

"Mommy..." Ava groaned.

"Tell me what hurts..."

"No..." She cried before starting to cough again.

"Okay..." Derek came back into the room. "I'm ready to go."

"Okay..." Meredith reached for her purse and the sippy cup. "We have our phones."

"Bye Mom." He hugged his mother quickly. "Thanks again.

"Keep me posted." The older woman requested.

"We will."

"Drive safely." She said, kissing her granddaughter's cheek.

"Do you want to call Arizona on the way?" Derek asked as Meredith walked in front of him carrying Ava.

"Yeah." Meredith said, almost out of breath.

"I...this isn't good..."

"I know." Meredith breathed, opening the front door.

"It's okay Ava...you'll be better soon." Derek walked quickly out to the car and opened the door so Meredith could buckle Ava in the car seat.

"I'll sit in the back with her."

"Okay."

"Damn it Arizona." Meredith groaned as Arizona's phone went to voicemail.

"Try Alex." Derek started the car and pulled out of the driveway.

"Already on it."

"We'll be there soon Ava."

"Hey Alex...it's Meredith. We're on our way in." Meredith said quickly into the phone. She held Ava's hand as she spoke. "She has a fever of a hundred and three...coughing and...yeah we'll be there shortly. Thanks...bye."

"What did he say?" Derek asked, looking in the rearview mirror.

"He'll meet us down there with a gurney. He's going to have a team read to run tests upstairs."

"I just...maybe its just a bad cold..."

"He mentioned that..."

"It's just a cold..."

"Right."

"Just a cold." Derek repeated, pulling into the hospital parking lot.

"You got here in record time."

"Yeah well..." He turned the car off and got out quickly.

"Come on sweetie." Meredith said quickly, unbuckling Ava's car seat.

"I can take her."

"Here..." Meredith handed her over to Derek, then reached for her bag.

"It's okay pumpkin." Derek whispered to her. "We're going to take care of you."

"Daddy..." She whimpered.

"I know...you're going to be all better." He carried her through the doors of the hospital.

"Hey." Alex ran forward with the gurney. "Derek...tell me what happened."

"She um...she woke up in the middle of the night...coughing...wheezing." Derek told Alex, putting Ava onto the gurney. "We took her temperate and its...one hundred and three and she's just...she's lethargic and..."

"Okay...I'm going to order an x-ray of her chest...bloodwork and we're going to get her an IV right away. She could have pneumonia."

"Can we come with you?"

"Yeah...but you'll have to wait outside the exam room." Alex said as they hopped onto an elevator.

"It's okay, Aves." Derek leaned down and kissed his daughter's head.

"We're going to take care of her." Alex assured them.

"Right..." Derek nodded, looking at Meredith.

"Why don't you guys wait over there." Alex pointed to some chairs. "We're going to take her in."

"Okay..."

"Ava...we love you and we're going to wait out here." Meredith leaned over, kissing Ava's cheek.

"Bye... " Derek breathed, as Alex wheeled Ava away. She hadn't even responded when Alex said she was going to take her and when he and Meredith had said goodbye.

"Damn it."

"We shouldn't have let her stay outside."

"She didn't get sick from that."

"I...it couldn't have helped."

"True." Meredith swallowed, staring at the door of the exam room.

"She's going to be okay." He put his arms around her.

"She's so sick."

"I wish we could go in there." Derek sighed.

"We don't let the families of our patients go in and suddenly it seems very rude." Meredith walked over to chairs, running her hand through her long hair.

"I...I don't know...I should have known earlier." He paced back and forth in front of her.

"Derek..."

"What...she was coughing and..."

"We both should have known." Meredith crossed her arms.

"I just...she's in chemo and we let her go outside in the cold...

"We've practically kept her inside in our own little bubble...she needed to go outside and...we were wrong. We thought we made the right call." Meredith looked down at her lap.

"And now she's in there." Derek breathed.

"We just have to wait...wait for Alex to come and talk to us."

"Yeah..." He took a seat next to her.

"She'll be okay...she'll be okay..." Meredith repeated to herself wanting to believe it. As a doctor she knew the options of what could be wrong and as a parent she didn't care. She just needed to be with her husband and see her little girl. She needed her to be okay. She needed to know that Ava was going to get through this because right now she didn't want to admit how terrified she was.

"Guys?" Alex came out of the exam room holding Ava's chart.

"Yeah?" Meredith looked up.

"Well it looks like she's got pneumonia. The x-ray showed that her lungs are filled with fluid. We're going to start her on antibiotics and she's already got an IV in.

"Okay..." Meredith sighed. Pneumonia wasn't good when their little girl had cancer.

"We're going to admit her because her fever is so high."

"And what affect...she has cancer Alex. We're doctors. We know this isn't good."

"Her body is weak so there's a good chance her next round of chemo is going to have to be pushed back. Arizona will make the final decision on that." Alex told them.

"Okay." Meredith nodded.

"We're going to take her up and get her set up in a room. A nurse will come down and take you up to her."

"Alright." Meredith breathed, taking Derek's hand. "We'll be here."

"We're taking good care of her." Alex smiled, patting Meredith on the back. "I'll see you guys soon."

"Thank you Alex." Derek sighed. "I um...does Arizona know she's here?"

"She does and she's going to look further into Ava's situation." Alex nodded.

"I just want to see her." He sighed.

"Soon." Alex assured them. "But I gotta run..."

"Thank you." Derek repeated.

"Thanks." Meredith whispered as Alex ran back to the exam room.

"She's going to hate staying here."

"Yeah..."

"Um...after she's settled I'll go home and get some of her things."

"Pack some of my things too." Meredith insisted, feeling the color drift away from her face.

"I will."

"Thanks."

"I told Hunter I would take him to the park and play catch tomorrow..."

"Do that and I'll be with Ava."

"I...yeah..."

"We'll figure it out." Meredith said, trying to convince herself. Being a doctor right now sucked because everything that could be wrong was going through her head. Ava was sick and none of this was good but she needed her parents. She needed Meredith and Derek to help her through this and stand by her side and that was exactly what Meredith would do. No matter what.


	29. Chapter 29

Derek was scared to death. He remembered how frightened he had been when her first child had been born and how scared he was that the little life that he held in his arms depended on him. And now he had three kids who all depended on him and the fear that he had felt then seemed like nothing compared to watching Ava lying in the hospital bed in front of him. She was hooked up to so many machines, with an oxygen mask of her face to help her breath. She had been giving medicine so she could sleep and hopefully gain some of her strength back and overcome the pneumonia. "I...this is...she's so helpless..."

"Hmm?" Meredith lifted her head. She had let her head rest on the bed as she laced her hands with her daughter's small ones.

"This is worse than the surgery." He sighed, looking up at all of the monitors.

"I know." Meredith breathed.

"It's..." Derek shook his head.

"Fucked up."

"That about sums it up."

"Ava..." Meredith murmured, looking at her daughter who had a mask covering her face and monitors attached to every limb it seemed. "Ava..."

"It's not fair." Derek breathed.

"If something happens..."

"It won't...she's...good hands."

"She is."

"Hmm..."

"She's been asleep for six hours."

"Alex said they want to see her sleep at least twelve hours."

"I just hate not being able to talk to her...to know if she's feeling okay or if something is hurting her." Meredith took a deep breath as her eyes watered.

"I know." Derek whispered, putting his arms around her.

"She's too little for this." Meredith breathed.

"She's little...but she's a strong one."

"Yeah..."

"Hey...hi guys." Arizona knocked gently on the door and came inside Ava's room.

"Hey" Meredith sat up, her hands running over her knees.

"How are you guys doing?" Arizona asked, checking all of the monitors to make sure Ava was stable before turning back to Meredith and Derek.

"We're hanging in there." Derek sighed.

"How is she doing?" Meredith asked. She knew how to read monitors but she and Derek had made an executive decision to wait to assume anything until they talked to Arizona.

"She's as stable as can be for the moment. Her body is doing its best to fight this off but we have to help her."

"Okay." Derek nodded. "So what do we do?"

"We'll essentially keep her sedated for at least until this evening maybe later. It allows her body to try and heal. The next twenty four hours are crucial...the worst and the best could happen so she's going ot be monitored every half hour." Arizona explained. "We've only managed to bring her fever down a little. It should get lower but again...the next twenty four hours are going to be key to her recovery."

"Is there anything we can do?" Derek asked.

"It might not seem like a lot but holding her hand and cuddling her...even talking to her are proven to help children when they're laid up like this. She's asleep right now, but the soothing is good for her." Arizona explained, leaning against the wall. "This is a setback...it's not a good thing but we're going to do everything in our power to get her better."

"Okay." Derek sighed.

"We need to get her strong enough to be off the oxygen first. The cancer makes it rough on her body and with everything including the chemo her immune system has gone down the drain which makes this harder." Arizona admitted. "But we're going to take it step by step."

"She's doing okay." He whispered, squeezing Meredith's hand.

"She can't have visitors...just you guys and make sure you keep up with the washing of your hands." She reminded them. "Cristina...Mark and Lexie...if they're here and they're clean they can stop in because they know how to prepare. They know the steps of being around a sick patient."

"How is this going to affect going ahead with the chemo?" Derek asked.

"We don't know yet. She isn't due for her next treatment until Friday. If she's strong enough and most of her symptoms subside then she may be able to move forward. If not...we'll play it by ear."

"Mer?" Derek looked over at her. She was sitting in the chair, just staring at Ava.

"When can she go home?" Meredith asked.

"Right now, I can't say. It really depends on how much she progresses in the next day." Arizona replied.

"Okay." Meredith breathed.

"Like I said, a nurse will be in every half hour to check on her."

"Alright." Meredith smiled weakly, before reaching for Ava's hand.

"Page me if there's anything at all that you need."

"We will." Meredith stroked Ava's hand, watching the monitors.

"Thank you." Derek smiled.

"I'll be back in an hour." Arizona smiled, before leaving the room.

"She's going to be okay." Derek nodded.

"I just hate...I hate all of this crap."

"I know. I do too."

"She's five." Meredith groaned, before sliding onto the bed.

"I know." He breathed.

"What if she got it from me...or one of my relatives. I should ask Lexie if our family has a history of this or..."

"This isn't your fault, Mer." Derek stood up in front of her.

"I didn't know I was pregnant with her until I was eight weeks...I laid out at the beach in Hawaii...I drank and I pigged out." Meredith went on, stroking Ava's cheek. "I got burnt."

"It's not your fault." He repeated.

"Ava...I'm so sorry."

"Meredith."

"What?"

"Neither of us did anything to cause this...it just...happened. Don't blame yourself." Derek whispered rubbing her back.

"I can't..." Meredith burst into tears, leaning into him. "I can't do this..."

"Hey..." He pulled her up into his arms.

"This isn't even near over with and I can't take much more."

"We can't give up...she can't give up."

"I won't give up on her I just...this is some sick kind of hell Derek. The rest of all of our lives could be determined in the next twenty four hours and...I just can't wait for that. I need her to get better now." Meredith cried.

"We have to be strong for her...it's all she has."

"I know." Meredith nodded, moving her hands over his neck.

"And when you feel like you can't do it...you have me." He whispered, kissing her forehead.

"Arizona said we should love on her or whatever. Do what we do when she's awake and well...hug her and talk to her..."

"Then let's do that."

"Okay..."

"Okay." Derek breathed, kissing her softly. "We can do this...all of us."

"I hate seeing her like this." Meredith admitted, looking back at their little girl.

"I do too."

"She looks smaller than five." Meredith pulled away.

"Hmm...she does."

"So tiny." Meredith whispered.

"Remember when she was born...how she gained weight so quickly and then lost it." Derek laughed.

"Yes...and she used to always get more food on us then in her stomach." Meredith giggled.

"Those mashed peas...so gross."

"And your Mom got her started on wearing those huge bows in her hair." Meredith leaned into his side.

"She looked like a little doll." Derek breathed.

"I remember when she got that flu...it spread through the house so quickly."

"I haven't been that sick since then."

"I thought that was the worst."

"It was."

"Now...this is." Meredith looked back at Ava, the machines beeped every few seconds.

"She's going to get through this." Derek rubbed Meredith's back.

"Christmas is in a month and a half."

"I know."

"And Thanksgiving..."

"I don't know if she'll be home for Thanksgiving, Mer."

"If she's here...we need to find a way to spend it with Hunter and Zola too."

"We'll work something out."

"Let's cuddle her...Arizona said it would help." Meredith kissed him quickly.

"Okay." Derek went around one side of the bed.

"Hi Sweetie..." Meredith whispered, sliding onto the bed.

"Hey Aves." Derek breathed, being careful not to disturb any of the wires that were attached to her.

"We know this is probably scary...maybe more scary for us because you're getting good rest baby girl but I just...you can literally have whatever you want when you wake up. Just...please just let your body get better so we can spoil you." Meredith laughed weakly, her eyes watering.

"You have to get better so you can go home and see your brother and sister...they miss you." He whispered.

"Everybody just wants you to get better sweetie."

"There's so many things we want to do...and take you to see..."

"And you...you're going to get better Ava and then all of this will just be a distant memory and one day...you'll barely even remember going through this."

"So you just have to be strong and get better."

"And we're going to stay by your side." Meredith insisted, kissing her cheek.

"Promise." Derek added.

"I love you Ava."

"We love you."

"You rest as long as you need to...we'll wait."

"She looks peaceful," Derek whispered.

"Uh huh." Meredith swallowed, kissing Ava's head. "She doesn't feel as warm."

"I bet all the rest is helping."

"Yeah."

"You know when she's better...whenever that is I think we should all go away."

"To an island...take pictures of the kids and somewhere far away."

"Far away."

"And I am sure I won't let her out of my sight."

"I'm sure you won't." Derek laughed.

"I'll try not to drive her crazy."

"She'll forgive you even if you do."

"Ava...laying here makes me sleepy."

"Go to sleep." Derek whispered.

"Right now?"

"Yeah. You could use the rest too."

"Mmm...okay."

"I'm just going to call the house and I'll be back."

"Alright." Meredith sighed, kissing him quickly.

"Love you...you too Ava." Derek whispered, getting off the bed as Meredith tried to get as close to Ava as she could. All they could do right now was follow Arizona's directions and just hope that everything turned out the way they wanted. He knew there was a chance that Ava wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving or even Christmas but as long as she got better he knew that he and Meredith would be happy.


	30. Chapter 30

"Just one more bite, Aves." Derek held the spoon of applesauce up to his daughter's mouth as he sat next to her in her hospital bed. Ava had gained enough strength that she no longer had to be sedated, her fever was lower and each day she was gaining strength and getting better from the pneumonia. They still weren't sure how long she had to stay in the hospital because her body had become so weak

from the chemo and the pneumonia but it was just nice to see her awake and having a little bit of energy.

"Then can we play?" Ava asked, opening her mouth.

"For a little while." Derek told her.

"Derek...use the cloth to wipe her top." Meredith pointed, as she folded some of Ava's clothes. "She has applesauce on her tank top."

"I want to play dolls with Mommy." Ava said as Derek wiped up the apple sauce.

"We can play dolls." Meredith leaned over, kissing her cheek.

"Do you want anymore?" Derek asked, holding the bowl of food.

"No more." Ava stretched.

"Okay..." He sighed.

"She's done good really well." Meredith sat a bag of dolls on the bed. "Good girl."

"Maybe we'll have some soup or something later." Derek kissed Ava's head.

"Pudding?" Ava looked up as Meredith wiped her mouth off.

"Pudding isn't soup." Derek laughed.

"But it's yummy."

"You can have pudding after soup."

"Please." Ava smiled innocently before coughing.

"You got it." Derek rubbed her back.

"You ate almost all of your applesauce." Meredith said proudly, sitting down on the bed.

"Can we play now?" Ava asked.

"Yes sweetie." Meredith breathed.

"Kay." Ava pulled out her favorite doll.

"What is your doll's name?" Meredith asked, taking out another doll, one smaller than the one Ava was holding.

"Um..." Ava looked up at Meredith. "Jessica."

"That's a pretty name." Meredith replied, handing Ava a brush for her doll.

"And this is her best friend." She pointed to the doll Meredith was holding.

"What is her best friend's name?" Meredith said as Derek sat down behind her.

"Sarah."

"Sarah and Jessica." Meredith giggled.

"But Mommy..."

"What baby?" Meredith breathed as Derek kissed her shoulder.

"Sarah has leukemia."

"Oh..."

"Like me."

"Ava..." Derek breathed.

"Sarah will get better too." Meredith smiled weakly.

"Yeah!" Ava nodded. "Like me."

"That's right." Meredith nodded, looking up at her husband.

"Just like you." Derek smiled weakly, his hand on Meredith's back.

"She's gotta get medicine too!" Ava pointed out. "She needs a line too Daddy!"

"I think she has a little one that you can't see."

"Like magic?" Ava asked as Meredith slid Ava onto her lap.

"Right." He nodded.

"Ava in a little while we have to work on handwriting." Meredith added. "We haven't done any schooling all week."

"I don't wanna."

"Or we can do counting." Meredith replied.

"No."

"Why not?" Meredith frowned.

"It's no fun."

"Does it help if I brought crayons and markers?"

"Maybe."

"I thought so." Meredith giggled.

"Did you bring the pink markers?"

"I did." Meredith kissed her head again. "But we can do that later."

"Ava I bet Arizona will be here soon...she'll probably have stickers for you."

"Yeah?" Ava looked up at Derek.

"Yeah." Derek nodded.

"I want a sticker." Ava crawled over to Derek.

"You'll get one." He kissed the top of her head.

"I'm sleepy." Ava yawned.

"You can take a nap."

"No." Ava shook her head.

"But you're tired."

"But I don't wanna nap."

"What do you want to do?" Derek asked.

"Cuddle time!" Ava clutched her baby doll close to her heart.

"Oh okay." He laughed.

"With you and Mommy." Ava giggled.

"We can cuddle."

"Kay." Ava giggled.

"Do you want some water?"

"Juice!"

"Here." Meredith handed her a purple sippy cup, before laying back on the bed.

"Good girl." Derek smiled.

"Come on Ava." Meredith breathed.

"Ava, we have to start making your Christmas list." Derek said as they laid back on the bed with her.

"And we gotta make a map." Ava replied, cuddling into her father's side.

"A map?"

"So Santa can find us"

"Oh yeah." Derek laughed.

"Santa knows where you are." Meredith breathed, cuddling closer to them.

"What do you want this year?" Derek asked.

"American Doll...a kitchen..."

"A kitchen?"

"Like the one in the commercial...with the pretend cupcakes!" Ava gasped.

"And other play food?" Meredith giggled.

"Yeah!"

"What else?" Meredith asked.

"Um..."

"What else Miss. Ava?" Meredith breathed, looking up at Derek.

"Make up!"

"Make up?" Derek laughed. "You're only five."

"But Mommy wears makeup."

"Not everyday." Meredith replied.

"I'll ask Santa for it." Ava said.

"You can ask Santa for pretend makeup." Meredith suggested.

"And I want a Jeep."

"A jeep?" Meredith laughed.

"Not a real one Mommy. I can't drive yet."

"Oh okay." Meredith cuddled Ava close, before lifting her head to kiss Derek.

"Hmm..." Derek smiled against her lips.

"Now kisses for Ava." Meredith laughed.

"Yeah. Kisses for me." Ava smiled.

"Muah." Meredith kissed Ava's cheek.

"Love you Ava." Derek smiled, kissing her other cheek.

"Daddy I..." Ava burst into another coughing fit.

"It's okay...try to take deep breaths." He rubbed her back.

"It's normal for the cough to stick around." Arizona announced as she walked in, holding a chart close to her chest.

"Do you have stickers?" Ava sat up.

"Ava..." Meredith sighed.

"I do." Arizona laughed, reaching into her pocket.

"Thank you!"

"You are very welcome." Arizona, walked over, putting her stethoscope around her. "Alright Aves...can I have a listen?"

"Deep breaths?" Ava asked.

"That's right" Arizona chuckled, putting the stethoscope to her chest.

"I noticed she has a lot more color in her skin today." Meredith sat up.

"She does." Arizona nodded, listening to Ava's lungs.

"She's been having more coughing fits." Meredith added.

"Well that's to be expected with the pneumonia."

"And she ate her applesauce." Meredith smiled weakly. "Or...most of it."

"That's excellent." Arizona smiled, pulling the stethoscope away.

"I wanna go home." Ava said quietly.

"I know sweetie" Arizona made a note in Ava's chart.

"How does she sound?" Derek asked.

"Better and it's good she gets these bursts of energy but she's not quite where she needs to be. Her chart says she had a fever again this morning."

"I'm all better." Ava interrupted.

"Ava let Arizona talk." Meredith breathed, wishing Arizona would tell her they could take Ava home soon.

"I'd like to see her be fever free for at least twenty four hours before I send her home."

"And her weight?"

'That's another concern." Arizona sighed.

"Oh." Meredith breathed as Derek put a hand on her shoulder.

"She is underweight for her height and age but that's not unusual with the chemo and now the pneumonia."

"She was wearing a five before she got sick...now she's in a 3t to 4t."

"The more you can get her to eat, the better." Arizona told them. "There is a chance that if her eating does not improve and her weight continues to go down, we'll have to insert a feeding tube."

"Through her nose. Meredith breathed.

"What?" Ava gasped.

"Don't worry about that right now." Arizona put her hand over Ava's.

"That means you have to eat all of your soup later." Derek told Ava.

"Pudding." Ava groaned.

"Pudding is good too." Arizona chuckled. "I just want to see her eat."

"We'll do what we can." Meredith nodded.

"What about her being discharged?" Derek asked.

"We'll consider it at the end of the week." Arizona replied.

"Okay." He sighed.

"You have eight days until Thanksgiving so let's cross our fingers." Arizona smiled.

"I have to go home to eat lots of Turkey!" Ava shouted.

"Ava...remember. Indoor voice." Derek reminded her, before looking back to Arizona. "And the next round of chemo?"

"If she goes home for Thanksgiving then we'll start it the next day." Arizona sighed. "If we determine closer to Thanksgiving that she won't be able to go home then we'll start before then."

"No!" Ava yelled.

"Ava." Meredith sighed as her daughter jumped into her arms.

"I don't want to stay here." Ava buried her head in Meredith's shoulders and started to cry.

"I know..." Meredith rubbed her back.

"It's okay, Ava. I promise we'll take good care of you." Arizona patted her back.

"I bet you could have an extra pudding cup." Derek told Ava.

"I don't wanna be here anymore." Ava groaned, throwing her sippy cup on the floor.

"Ava Sophia...no throwing."

"I wanna go home." Ava screamed.

"Ava." Meredith breathed as their little girl reached towards her IV and began to pull. "No Ava..."

"Hey...Hey Ava." Derek handed Ava her favorite doll.

"No!" Ava threw the doll, before hiding her face again.

"I'll be back to check on you guys later." Arizona told Derek, patted his shoulder before leaving.

"Ava Sophia." Meredith sighed.

"I want to go home now!"

"We can't do that Ava." Derek sighed.

"But I wanna." Ava sobbed.

"I know pumpkin." He took Ava into his arms. "But we can't right now. It's not good for you."

"I don't want you to leave me."

"We won't...we've been here almost every day...except for when Aunt Lexie stayed with you." Meredith replied, speaking of the one night they had to be home with Zola who had tooth coming in. "And we're going to stay with you."

"I'm going to be sick for turkey...and you're going to leave me." Ava cried.

"No sweetie."

"We're not going anywhere, Aves."

"Do you want to cuddle with us again?" Meredith breathed, trying not to think about the sadness in her child's voice. "You really like it."

"No!"

"Okay..." Meredith reached for her little girl.

"No!" Ava screamed.

"Ava..." Derek frowned.

"Daddy..." Ava coughed.

"I promise you I won't leave you Ava. Ever." He whispered, kissing her cheek.

"Ava you have to calm down...you're going to make yourself sick."

"I want to go home." Ava hiccupped.

"I know." Derek sat down and took her in his lap, gently rocking her back and forth.

"Ava...what will make you feel better?" Meredith whispered.

"My monkey..."

"Okay..." Meredith nodded, getting up and walking over to a Dora suitcase. "I have your monkey."

"Do you want to lie down with your monkey and I'll go get you some chocolate pudding?" Derek offered her.

"Yeah." Ava coughed, crawling over to her mother.

"Okay. I'll be right back." Derek kissed her cheek.

"We'll be here." Meredith sighed.

"Lots of chocolate pudding...coming up..." Derek left Ava's room and closed the door. He stood outside for a few minutes, watching through the window as Meredith tried to comfort Ava. His little girl had never been like this until she got sick and it broke his heart to see. He wanted her home for Thanksgiving with the family and home for Christmas to open presents but he didn't know now if that was going to happen.


	31. Chapter 31

Meredith hated days like today. It was days like this one that put her on edge. They hadn't been able to leave the hospital with Ava and now Thanksgiving was three days away and they still hadn't been cleared to take her home. Then Alex had come in to tell them that Arizona wanted to speak to them about the next steps in Ava's treatment so while Mark was watching Cinderella with Ava, they were sitting in a cold office, waiting for Alex and Arizona to come in. "What's taking so long?"

"I don't know.' Derek sat in front of Arizona's desk, holding Meredith's hand.

"I really don't know how much longer we can entertain our five year old here."

"I don't know. She seemed pretty content watching Cinderella for the eight hundreth time."

"She should be home...we should all be home."

"We will be."

"Hunter and Zola should have us with them...and I don't want to miss Zola's first Thanksgiving but we have to make sure Ava's alright and...I'm thinking too much." Meredith breathed.

"You are." Derek whispered, kissing her cheek.

"Hmm...Waking up this morning on the couch in her hospital room...reminded me of when we used to fall asleep with her when she was just born."

"We would both wake up with our backs or our necks hurting." He laughed.

"Remember that face she would make?" Meredith giggled.

"She still does it sometimes."

"I miss having a tiny baby around...and I feel like poor Zola...I'm missing stuff."

"You know...when this is all over..."

"Hmm?"

"We could have that tiny baby." Derek whispered.

"I don't know anymore..."

"Hey guys...sorry to keep you waiting." Arizona walked into her office with Alex following her.

"Hey." Meredith sat up in her chair, looking over at her husband.

"We um...we're hoping you have some good news for us." Derek squeezed Meredith's hand.

"Well, as we mentioned this morning Ava's lungs sound the best they have in two weeks." Arizona smiled.

"And her fever is down." Alex added.

"That's right." Arizona nodded.

"That is good news." Derek smiled.

"It is...it means she's finally starting to recover from the pneumonia." Arizona replied.

"That's great."

"But then we look at other issues, like how her weight has dropped dramatically since this all started and how she's not eating enough." Arizona opened her file. "It's normal but there are things we can do to help her. It would also help us be able to move forward with her next treatment sooner than later."

"Okay..." Derek breathed.

"I would like to go ahead and give her an NG tube...that way she has some substance in her body. We've waited, but it's time for the feeding tube."

"Oh." Derek sighed, looking over at Meredith.

"It would allow Ava to get the extra food she needs. She's very weak right now and this could help her along." Alex added, handing them pamphlets about the tube that would go through their daughter's nose and down to her stomach. "We'd like to do it today or tomorrow so that we can start her chemo treatment right away."

"Mer?" Derek breathed.

"I...she can't go home?"

"Unfortunately not. I'm sorry." Arizona apologized.

"She's just not strong enough to go home right now. There'd would be too much of a risk of her contracting another infection." Alex added.

"She's more than welcome to have visitors who are not sick but she needs to wear a mask for the time being." Arizona sighed. "I am confident that she will start to feel a lot better and have more energy once we get her started on the tube. It just won't be comfortable."

"So she won't be home for Thanksgiving." Derek sighed.

"No she won't." Arizona nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Okay." Derek nodded, looking down at the floor.

"You're more than welcome to bring a smaller party for Thanksgiving to her room. She can handle a few extra people as long as we keep her in bed." Alex smiled. "Besides...everybody loves Ava on this floor."

"So...when is the tube...why...when do you want to put it in?" Meredith swallowed.

"Tomorrow morning." Arizona answered.

"Oh..." Meredith breathed.

"And then we'll begin her next round of chemo."

"And no going home in between...at all?" Derek asked.

'No. I'm sorry."

"Great." Meredith groaned.

"Once this round of chemo is over and her body can handle it, then we'll discharge her." Arizona said.

"And feeding tube will be put in tomorrow." Derek repeated what Arizona had told them.

"Bright and early." Arizona nodded, looking up at Alex. "It is a very quick procedure. She will be awake but sedated and we'll monitor her for the day. Now...she can still eat with the tube. But not things that will get caught in her tube like popcorn or granola. Softer foods are better like soup, mashed potatoes, pudding and anything easy to swallow."

"How long will she have it?"

"We will change it occasionally but as soon as she gets stronger and eats more then we'll work from there. The problem is now she has no energy, she's continuing to lose weight and her body will start to have a harder time fighting if we don't do it. I would say she'll be dealing with the tube a month at the least."

"Okay...well..." Derek breathed.

"Of course you'll have to sign for consent." Alex slid a paper forward and Meredith looked away.

"I know this is a lot." Arizona looked at Meredith sympathetically.

"We can give you guys a moment to talk." Alex stood.

"Take your time. We'll be back." Arizona smiled softly, leaving the office with Alex.

"Our life has turned into some sick joke."

"Come here." Derek stood up, pulling her up to him and hugging her.

"This is ridiculous."

"This is what our daughter needs."

"I know." Meredith breathed as her eyes watered. "But she shouldn't be this sick."

"I know." Derek whispered, holding her head in his hands. "But look how far we've already come with this."

"Derek she already has a tube in her chest...now there will be one in her nose. She has two scars on her abdomen...what next?"

"I don't know."

"Exactly."

"But whatever does happen...we have each other...and our family."

"I know." Meredith wiped at her eyes.

"And our strong...brave...amazing little girl." He smiled.

"I just want this to go away."

"I know. I do too."

"Ava throws things and she gets mad and...Ava doesn't do that so I know this bothers her more than anything."

"And the feeding tube isn't going to be any better...but the sooner she gets it...the sooner she gets the chemo and the sooner all of this goes away."

"Right..." Meredith laughed sarcastically.

"I'm going to sign this." He whispered, kissing her softly.

"Okay..."

"Okay." He pulled away from her and leaned over the desk, signing the consent form for Ava to have the feeding tube inserted.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Getting worked up." She sighed.

"Don't apologize."

"I want to get away from here. I want Ava away from this where cancer doesn't exist and...that's not possible."

"So all we can do is our best."

"Right." Meredith sat back down.

"I know this sucks."

"Understatement."

"I love you."

"I love you too." She sighed, pushing her hair from her face.

"I really love you." Derek whispered, kneeling down in front of her, cupping her face in his hands.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He smiled, kissing her softly. "That means you get to be...freaked out and upset...and I can be strong for us."

"Not fair to you."

"It's okay."

"No...no it isn't."

"It is." Derek whispered, kissing her again. "Just lean on me..."

"Cheesy."

"I always have been and I always will be." He laughed.

"Yeah."

"Hey..."

"What?" She reached her hand to his hair.

"Why don't I go home and get Zola and Hunter?"

"Wait...what?"

"I'll go get them and bring them back for a while so you can see them."

"You would do that for me?"

"You're going to call me cheesy again...but I would do anything for you."

"That was pretty high on the cheesy scale."

"Hmm..." He laughed.

"Will you just call me before you get to the hospital room? They said Ava had to wear a mask."

"I will."

"You should take some of Ava's laundry home...bring back some more stuff. She hates hospital gowns."

"Okay."

"They're not pink."

"I'll bring everything pink that I can find." Derek smiled, standing up.

"Then I guess I'll lay down with her and explain tomorrow to her. We should tell Alex and Arizona they can come back in."

"I'll let them know."

"Okay."

"I love you, Meredith."

"I love you Derek."

"I'll be back."

"Okay..." Meredith breathed, watching as he left the room. She took a deep breath and looked around. She hated that this felt like it was getting worse and worse but that was the thing. It would get better if they could just help their child.


	32. Chapter 32

"Look at that." Derek pointed to a store window as he walked down Fifth Avenue in New York City with Meredith by his side. His mother had suggested that he and Meredith get away from the hospital and away from the house and volunteered to watch Ava while they were gone. Since having the feeding tube inserted, they had been seen a drastic change in her energy and even though she she still had a long road, they felt more comfortable leaving her for a little while.

"Oh that's a pretty tree."

"It is." He smiled.

"I wonder how Zo will be with the tree. I feel like she's going to pull at the ornaments."

"Like Ava did when she was Zo's age."

"Hunter just looked at it...he never pulled on the ornaments but Ava was impossible to keep away from it."

"She broke my favorite one." He chuckled.

"I remember explaining that one to you when you got home."

"I was so upset but then she looked at me with that little face..." Derek smiled.

"Hmm...we should get the kids ornaments...ones that they can put on your Mom's tree."

"We got Hunter and Ava ornaments for their first Christmas."

"Zola needs one." Meredith held his hand.

"I bet we can find one today."

"Yeah." She tipped her head up to kiss him.

"Mmm..." He smiled against her lips.

"We should go in Saks."

"Wherever you want to go."

"I just want to look at their ornaments."

"Okay."

"Come on." She grinned, pulling at his hand.

"I'm coming." Derek laughed, following after her into the store.

"We need at least three ornaments." She replied, leading him towards the decorated Christmas trees.

"You can pick them."

"We have to pick them together."

"Okay..." He walked up to the large tree.

"Oh they have a baseball one..."

"That's perfect for Hunter."

"Blue or red?"

"Red."

"Red."

"Okay...so this one." Meredith handed Derek the baseball ornament.

"You know...we should make this a tradition."

"Shopping in the city?" Meredith bent over, looking at a moose ornament.

"Getting an ornament for each of the kids."

"Oh..." Meredith smiled.

"Every year...a new one."

"We should."

"Oh...Ava would love this one." Derek grinned, holding up a pink bow ornament.

"Oh she would."

"Now we just need one for Zo."

"Something cute and special."

"Let's see..."

"I don't know which one...they're so many."

"Mer..." He pulled one off and held it up.

"What?"

"Baby's first Christmas."

"Oh..." Meredith breathed, looking at the one he was holding up.

"We should get one for us too." Derek whispered, wrapping his arms around her.

"Like what?"

"I don't know...we'll pick something."

"Oh look...here is a baking one."

"Baking?"

"For your Mom." Meredith reached for it.

"Oh..." Derek laughed.

"Do you think Ava ate?" Meredith asked, walking around the decorative trees as she explored the ornaments.

"I know she was looking forward to getting some soup this afternoon."

"I just hope she eats it..."

"I know."

"That is scary..." Meredith bent over as she stared at a bright clown ornament.

"That is definitely not for us."

"No."

"I don't know which one we should get."

"I don't know either." Meredith leaned into him.

"I don't think there is an ornament that could represent everything that's happened with us." Derek breathed, kissing her head.

"Unless there was one made with a glow in the dark condom."

"Now that would be perfect." He laughed.

"It's very us."

"Too bad they don't make those."

"I could make one with the arts and crafts I have for Ava's homeschooling...I'm already pretty bad at it."

"A glow in the dark condom ornament."

"Oh...look it's a wife and husband snowman couple!"

"I like that one." Derek smiled.

"It's cute." Meredith lifted the glittery snowman couple.

"That's us."

"We should go pay before I get carried away." Meredith giggled.

"Probably a good idea." Derek smiled, kissing her softly.

"Where do we pay?" Meredith looked around.

"Over here." He held onto her hand as they walked to the cash register.

"Is this all for you?" The woman at the register asked, reaching for some ornament boxes and tissue paper.

"All for us."

"Sixty-two fifty."

"Alright." Meredith nodded as Derek reached for his wallet.

"For our kids." Derek smiled, handing the sales woman his credit card.

"They will love them." The woman smiled, handing a receipt over for Derek to sign.

"I hope so."

"Happy Holidays." The woman smiled, handing him the bag.

"Thank you. you too."

"New York is a nice place." Meredith said, holding his hand as they walked out of the store.

"We have to bring the kids to the city."

"They would love all the lights...Ava loves the skyline."

"We'll bring them one day."

"Amelia told me she's been trying to get you to move back."

"She's given me a few not so subtle hints."

"Your mother has given me a ton of hints."

"It's something to think about."

"It is?"

"I think so."

"Everybody we have...or you have is there."

"We can think about it." Derek said, kissing her cheek.

"It is something to consider."

"It would have to be right for all of us."

"I mean...all of our friends and family are here. We don't have too many people in Seattle."

"We don't have to decide anything now."

"True."

"Where else do you want to go?"

"Wherever." She shrugged.

"Let's just walk." He reached for her hand again as they walked down the busy street.

"I think the last time you and I came into the city together...just us was when I was pregnant with Ava." Meredith explained, stopping to let a couple with a Christmas tree walk by.

"Do you remember what we did?" Derek laughed.

"I think we fed all of my cravings."

"All of them." He smirked.

"Oh...I wish." a Meredith sighed.

"We went into the first hotel we saw."

"That was...pretty crazy."

"We could do it again." Derek smiled.

"We have Christmas shopping to do."

"So?"

"Derek..." She giggled as he pulled on her arm.

"Come on..."

"Are you serious right now?"

"I am."

"I..." Meredith looked around as they walked towards the Waldorf."

"Why do you look so scared?" Derek laughed, walking up to the front door of the hotel.

"Are we really paying just to have sex?"

"You make it sound so...dirty." He laughed, heading towards the front desk.

"Fine." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"We don't have to." Derek stopped, putting his arms around her waist.

"I...we should."

"Okay." He smiled, kissing her before walking up to the front desk where there was a man in a suit.

"Can I help you?" The man at the reservations desk asked.

"I am hoping that you have a room available." Derek replied.

"All I have are some suites in the tower."

"Then that's what we will take."

"Alright...I'll just need your credit...thanks." The man smiled as Derek slid his card quickly forward.

"Mmhmm."

"Alright...I have your record in the system already Dr. Shepherd so let me just print this and we'll get you on your way." The man replied as Meredith rest her head on Derek's shoulder.

"Thank you."

"Here are your keys...and it has the floor and room number are on the card. Just sign this." As the man slid a document over, Meredith stood on her toes to kiss Derek's neck.

"Oh...thanks." He signed it quickly and grabbed the key.

"Enjoy your stay."

"Thank you." Derek hurried towards the elevator holding Meredith's hand.

"It's a lot to pay for a few hours."

"It's okay."

"Alright..." Meredith breathed, walking over to the elevators.

"I think it's worth it." Derek wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Come on husband." Meredith giggled, stepping into the elevator.

"I'm coming wife."

"I wish we could stay here tonight..."

"Maybe we can."

"Your Mom needs to get home to cook..."

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind one night."

"Tomorrow is Thanksgiving."

"I...let's just enjoy being here and we'll see what happens."

"Fine." Meredith smirked as the elevator began to move.

"We have a suite."

"That's a lot of places to full around."

"I know." Derek smiled.

"The wall...a desk..."

"The shower...the floor..."

"I wish this ride went faster."

"I know"

"I wish we could get the kids...bring him here with us tonight."

"That would defeat the purpose of the suite...and all the places we can fool around." Derek laughed as the elevator door open.

"Later I mean." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Oh okay." He opened the door of the suite.

"Wow..." Meredith walked into the suite slowly, soaking up the classic victorian look.

"Definitely worth it."

"So worth it." Meredith replied, walking towards the view of the Manhattan skyline.

"I'm glad we came up here." He walked behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her neck.

"Me too."

"Really glad."

"Hmm..."

"Mmm..." Derek breathed, pushing her hair to the side and kissing her neck.

"Tell me she's going to be okay." Meredith whispered.

"What?"

"Ava..."

"She's going to be okay."

"Okay."

"She's going to be fine." Derek whispered, turning her around to face him and kissing her.

"I don't want to know what a world without Ava is like." She said quietly, surprisingly her eyes weren't tearing.

"You won't have to."

"Okay." She whispered, before kissing him softly.

"We won't have to." He pushed her sweater off of her shoulders.

"Clothes off time."

"Mmhmm."

"I love New York at the holidays."

"Mmm...me too."

"We have to shop more later." Meredith reminded him, pushing his shirt over his head. "We only made a few stops today."

"We will."

"And you have to take me to Serendipity." She giggled as he unhooked her bra.

"I will take you wherever you want to go." Derek grinned.

"Yeah?" She unbuckled her pants as she walked backwards.

"Yeah." He smiled, kicking off his jeans.

"Boxers off."

"Okay..." Derek pushed down his black boxers.

"Okay." Meredith grinned, tossing her black thong to the side.

"Naked."

"So are you." She replied, turning to face the desk.

"I miss us...naked." He crawled onto the bed with her and kissed her.

"Naked time is taking a back seat."

" I know."

"So has good sleep." Meredith giggled, crawling on top of him.

"Right now...it's just you and me."

"Just us." She smiled, pressing her lips to his.

"Mmm..."

"Derek..."

"Yeah?"

"I..." Meredith stopped as her phone began to ring.

"You're phone." He sat up quickly.

"Shit."

"I'll get it." Derek got up, grabbing her phone from her pile of clothes and looking down at the caller ID where his mom's name was. "Hello?"

"Hi Daddy!" He heard his little girl speak into the phone.

"Ava...is everything okay?"

"Uh huh. Where are you?"

"I'm um..." Derek glanced over at Meredith who was holding a sheet up to her chest. "Mommy and I are shopping."

"I had four jello hearts Daddy!"

"Good girl."

"And grandma played Barbies with me!" She exclaimed.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Ava giggled.

"Do you want to say hi to Mommy?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay...I'm going to put you on speaker phone." Derek put the phone down in between him and Meredith.

"Hi Mommy!" Ava shouted into the phone.

"Hi Miss. Ava."

"Mommy where are you?"

"I'm out shopping with Daddy." Meredith blushed.

"For me?"

"Maybe." Meredith laughed.

"I made my Christmas list!:

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

"Aves, how are you feeling pumpkin?" Derek asked.

"Good." They could tell Ava was excited on the other line. They then heard his mother tell Ava something. "I um...Alex said I could have pie."

"Well that's good." Derek laughed.

"He said...and...what?" Ava started talking to his mother again.

"Can you hear here?" Derek looked up at Meredith.

"I..." Meredith shrugged as she listened to her little girl. "Ava..."

"Guess what?" Ava finally said.

"What baby girl?"

"Arizona said I can go home."

"She what?" Meredith looked at Derek strangely.

"She said I can come home for turkey!"

"Ava..." Meredith grinned. "I...are you sure?"

"Yeah!"

"Ava..." Derek smiled. "Can I talk to Grandma?"

"Uh huh." Ava said and they heard her hand the phone to his mom.

"Hi Mom."

"Derek she's coming home tonight."

"I...how?"

"They decided to push her treatment until Friday and they believe she's made some big changes in the short time that she has had the tube. No fever today, she's been more energetic and Arizona and Alex say there is no reason to keep her tonight and tomorrow if she's doing just fine." His mother said quickly, sounding excited.

"We'll be home as soon as we can." He grinned.

"There is no rush dear...they want to have a test run and then they want her to eat again and use the restroom before she leaves to make sure everything is going alright."

"I...wow. Okay."

"They said it would be at least two more hours...oh and they want her close to you two when she sleeps just so you can make sure she's still okay with the NG tube."

"We'll um..we'll see you soon." He couldn't help but laugh.

"Alright...I'm going to go because the nurse just came in...say bye Ava." His mother responded.

"Bye Mommy! Bye Daddy!"

"Bye pumpkin. We'll see you soon."

"Can you believe that?" Meredith gasped as he hung up the phone.

"She's coming home."

"I feel...so relieved."

"She's coming home." He repeated, kissing her.

"We have to go get her..."

"We have a little bit of time. They want to do tests and...some other stuff."

"Right..."

"And we have a hotel room to take advantage of."

"Oh..."

"And time to kill."

"True." Meredith leaned over, pressing her lips to his.

"Mmm..." Derek grinned against her lips.

"Our little girl gets to come home for Thanksgiving."

"And we get to celebrate." He smiled, rolling over on top of her and kissing her neck, sliding his hands down along her body. They hadn't expected their daughter to call them and tell them that she was going to be sent home from the hospital for Thanksgiving. They were preparing to split their day between the hospital and Derek's mother's house and now there was no splitting time and no deciding who would go where, their little girl would be home for Thanksgiving.


	33. Chapter 33

"Ava sweetie...you're pinching my shoulder." Meredith kissed her little girl's cheek as she carried Ava on one hip, putting the placemats on the table with her other hand. "Ava had come home the night before and it had been great. Sleeping in a comfy bed with their little girl between them, they finally felt normal. Even if it was just a few days. They were being protective, so they carried her around as much as possible. Arizona had stressed that if she wanted to come home, they were going to have to do everything in their power to keep her calm, relaxed and eating. So far it was going well but Meredith and Derek were not going to chance it and ruin Ava, Hunter or Zola's Thanksgiving now that their sick child was home. "Aves..."

"I want to get down." Ava squirmed. She had a white facemask over her mouth to keep try to keep her from too much contact with the germs in the house.

"We'll go sit in a minute baby girl."

"We can watch the parade Ava." Hunter came out of the kitchen with a stack of silverware to put on the table.

"Hunter where is your Dad?" Meredith asked.

"In the living room."

"Could you tell him to come here Buddy?"

"Sure." Hunter nodded, leaving the living room to get Derek. A few minutes, later Derek came into the dining room behind his son.

"Do you need help?" Derek asked.

"Did you ever get to Zola's diaper or did your mom?"

"Mom took her upstairs."

"Okay." Meredith put the last fork on the table.

"The table looks great."

"Thanks." Meredith smiled proudly. "Ava helped me decide how to do the centerpiece for your Mom...Hunter helped too."

"I wanna play!" Ava shouted.

"Why don't we go into the living room and you can see all the big balloons in the parade?" Derek took Ava from Meredith.

"Big floats?" Ava giggled.

"Huge ones."

"Ava...make sure you lay with Daddy." Meredith said, sounding to much like a worried mother.

"Dad can I go get my game?" Hunter asked.

"Sure bud."

"I want to go!" Ava shouted, squirming as Hunter left the room.

"Go where?" Derek laughed, carrying her into the living room. "We're going to watch the parade."

"I wanna play!" Ava shouted.

"I know pumpkin."

"Alright...Zola is all changed and a happy girl again." His mother walked in, holding the baby towards Meredith. "I need to go check on the stuffing."

"Thank you." Meredith smiled sincerely, taking Zola into her arms.

"See...Mommy and Zo are going to lie with us too."

"Okay." Ava sighed, pulling her mask off.

"Ava..." Derek frowned.

"In the trash." Ava giggled.

"No silly girl." Meredith reached for the mask.

"You have to keep that on." Derek took the mask from Meredith.

"Why?" Ava asked, trying to climb over the back of the couch.

"Remember what Arizona told you...you have to keep it on so you don't get any bad germs."

"Yeah." Ava climbed before Meredith lifted her with her free arm. "Hey!"

"Ava you have to settle down."

"I don't wanna."

"Ava." Meredith sighed as Zola tried to climb too, pulling on Ava's dress. "Zola..."

"Here...I'll take Zola." Derek chuckled. "Oh hello little girl."

"Ba da!" Zola screamed.

"Oooh..." He smiled, lifting Zola above his head.

"Bouncy...bounce..." Ava started to jump again.

"Ava Sophia." Meredith groaned.

"Come lie down with your sister." Derek sat on the sofa holding Zola.

"Ava..." Meredith stood, lifting Ava into her arms.

"I brought my video games." Hunter came running back into the living room. "I brought one for Ava too."

"Thank you Hunter." Meredith smiled.

"Ava do you want to come sit down here with me?" He sat down on the floor.

"Yeah."

"Okay...be careful." Meredith sat Ava on the floor, leaning back onto the couch.

"Good girl." Derek smiled.

"I swear she is all over the place." Meredith laughed, taking Zola from Derek. "Hi baby."

"Nana!" Zola screamed.

"Nana is in the kitchen...I'm Mama."

"Nana!"

"Muah." Meredith kissed the baby's cheeks. "Derek look at her hair...it's growing so much."

"It might be time for her first haircut."

"Is it time for your first hair cut? Do you want your hair cut?" Meredith giggled, kissing Zola's nose. "Zo...you're getting too big to quick. Be a little baby again please."

"Da!"

"Hunter you gotta catch me!" They heard Ava shout as she took off.

"Dad...Ava's running...stop her!" Hunter stood, pointing towards the other room.

"Oh gosh." Derek sighed, running after Ava and picking her up. "Ava Sophia."

"Hi Daddy." Ava grinned.

"Ava we told you no running."

"But I wanna."

"But you can't."

"Oh." Ava pouted her lips, as she messed with the button on her dress.

"I don't want to make you stay upstairs pumpkin but if you keep running, you'll have to."

"Daddy." Ava groaned as Derek carried her back to the couch.

"What?"

"I wanna feel better."

"You will if you come lie down with me."

"Fine."

"Hi Miss Ava." Meredith whispered as she played with Zola on her lap.

"Can I still play video games?" Ava asked.

"If you sit down and play quietly." Meredith replied.

"I promise."

"Good." Derek sighed. "You have to sit or else you'll miss seeing Santa in the parade."

"Santa." Ava giggled.

"You can't miss Santa."

"I gotta see Santa...Dora!" Ava clapped as Hunter played his video game.

"Look at them." Derek laughed, sitting down on the sofa next to Meredith, watching Ava and Hunter.

"It feels...almost normal." Meredith breathed, cuddling Zola on her chest.

"Normal..."

"Nana!" Zola shouted as Derek's mother walked in the room.

"Hi Zola." Mrs. Shepherd laughed.

"Na!" Zola reached her hands out for his mother.

"Okay come here." Mrs. Shepherd took Zola from Meredith. "You are getting so big!"

"She loves you." Meredith giggled.

"Well I love her too. But I have to go back and check on the turkey. I just wanted to see if you guys wanted a snack."

"Grandma can I have some fruit snacks?" Hunter asked, walking up to his grandma.

"Of course you can."

"Can I help you cook?"

"I would love that." Mrs. Shepherd smiled, giving Zola back to Meredith.

"Hunter wash your hands before you help your Grandma." Meredith reminded her son as they left the room.

"I will." Hunter disappeared into the kitchen with his grandmother.

"Daddy?" Ava turned around, pulling at her mask again.

"What pumpkin?"

"I don't like this." Ava pointed.

"I know you don't." He stood up and picked her up.

"Take the sticky off." Ava pulled at the tape on her cheek.

"Ava...Ava no."

"Hey Ava..." Meredith said quickly, trying to distract her child from pulling at the tube. "Look at Zo...her hair is growing."

"It's funny." Ava giggled.

"Yeah?" Meredith giggled, holding Ava's baby sister up. "Isn't she cute?"

"Yeah." Ava smiled, patting Zola's head.

"Look." Derek pointed to the television where they were announcing that Santa was coming in the parade

"Santa!" Ava clapped.

"Ah!" Zola shouted.

"Look Zo." Derek laughed.

"Santa!" Ava jumped.

"Ava..."

"Ba!" Zola shouted.

"Zola! It's Santa!" Ava clapped before pulling off her mask again.

"Ava...mask."

"No." She tossed it onto the floor.

"Ava Sophia!" Meredith groaned.

"Ava...put that back on right now." Derek told her.

"I don't want it!" Ava's bottom lip quivered.

"Ava."

"It itches." Ava whined.

"You have to keep it on." Derek picked up the mask and put it back on Ava.

"Daddy you gotta get a clean one!" Ava tore it off again.

"Yeah Dr. Daddy." Meredith giggled, pulling Ava into the couch.

"I'll go get you a new one." He laughed.

"Da!" Zola lifted her hands as Derek stood.

"You want to come?" Derek picked Zola up.

"Ava and I will wait here." Meredith giggled.

"Bye bye." Ava giggled, waving her hand.

"Ava...why are you so cranky today?" Meredith whispered, holding Ava close.

"I'm not cranky."

"You're not happy right now."

"I don't like that mask."

"I know." Meredith sighed, running a hand over Ava's cold head. "Sweetie...why don't you put a hat on."

"No."

"Why?" Meredith pulled Ava to lay down next to her.

"I don't want to." Ava whispered.

"Not even the one with the really big zebra bow?"

"No."

"What did you think of Santa?"

"He's going to bring me lots of presents."

"You're a good girl."

"Mommy?"

"Hmm?" Meredith cuddled Ava closer.

"What if Santa can't find me in the hospital?"

"Oh Aves...he will. He knows where to find you always."

"No..." Ava shook her head.

"Yes he can...and you might not be in the hospital."

"Really?"

"And if we do spend Christmas in the hospital...we'll leave Santa a note on where to find you...just to make sure."

"Okay." Ava sighed.

"You know...there is a hat on the coffee table."

"I don't wanna wear one."

"Please." Meredith sighed, more worried about Ava catching something.

"Okay...I have a new mask." Derek walked back into the living room with Zola in his arms.

"You got it Daddy?" Ava looked up.

"I got it Aves."

"Der will you grab her hat?"

"I don't want to wear it!"

"Well you're going to wear it." Meredith sighed.

"No!"

"You're going to get cold if you don't wear it." Derek pulled the hat onto Ava's hea.

"No." Ava groaned, pulling it off.

"Ava Sophia...put it on now." Meredith groaned.

"Ava if you don't wear this, then you're going to have to sit upstairs." Derek told her.

"If you don't wear it...then you have to be covered up Ava. You have to cuddle up in blankets with Mommy and Daddy." Meredith tried to explain. For her little girl who had been battling pneumonia, it wasn't an option to get cold.

"That's not fair!" Ava shouted.

"Ava...mask and hat." Derek told her sternly.

"I wanna lay with Mommy." Ava wiped at her eyes as Derek put the mask on her.

"You can lay with Mommy but you have to wear your hat."

"No..." Ava cried.

"Okay...then you're going upstairs." He picked her up.

"Derek she needs to be with us like Arizona said so lets just grab the blanket over there and I'll cuddle her up."

"Ava..." Derek whispered. "Look at me."

"What?" Ava whimpered, her voice nasaly from the line.

"Daddy needs you to put the hat on okay? You have to wear it so that you don't get sick again."

"Fine." Ava whimpered, putting her head on Meredith's chest.

"Thank you." Derek sighed.

"Good girl." Meredith breathed.

"When's Uncle Mark gonna be here?" Ava asked quietly.

"In a little bit." Meredith replied.

"Oh."

"I'm going to go see how Grandma and Hunter are doing." Derek sighed.

"We'll be here." Meredith stroked Ava's back.

"Mommy..." Ava whispered as Derek walked away.

"Yes?"

"Daddy's bein' mean."

"No sweetie." Meredith sat Ava up as she looked at her. "He's not mean it just seems that way because he's so worried about you. We're both worried about you because you've been sick."

"But I'm better."

"I...but you're still sick. You don't have pneumonia but you still have...we just want to get you better."

"Can I take a nap?" Ava looked up at Meredith.

"Yeah...since Daddy has Zola you can lay with me."

"Kay." Her little girl laid her head down and closed her eyes.

"You're sleepy."

"Yeah."

"You have to rest up to eat yummy food."

"Okay. Night night Mommy."

"Good night Ava." Meredith took a deep breath, stroking her little girl's back. The fight to get Ava better had never been easy, but it was clear how much the battle was starting to weigh on their sweet child. All Meredith could do right now, was hold her and let her know they wouldn't give up.


	34. Chapter 34

"Look Zo..." Derek pointed to the Christmas decorations on the lawn of one of his mother's neighbors as he pushed Zola down the street in her stroller, Mark walking next to him. He hadn't slept well the night before and instead of sitting in the hospital all day waiting while Ava had tests run, Meredith had suggested that he stay home with Zola and even spend some time with Mark. It was cold outside and he had made sure that Zola was bundled up enough so she would be warm for a short walk, but it was nice to finally get some fresh air and spend time with his other daughter.

"It's a lot more calm when it's only one kid."

"We always said we were only going to have one."

"Yeah that went into the shitter."

"We were actually...trying when her school called to tell us she was sick." Derek laughed harshly.

"You guys fuck like rabbits."

"I...not anymore."

"Well maybe not now." Mark chuckled.

"If we get ten minutes alone now it's a miracle." Derek laughed.

"Well...what else can Lexie and I do?" Mark asked, zipping up his jacket.

"Nothing. We can't ask you guys to do anything else."

"Sure you can."

"Da!" Zola shouted, clapping her hands together.

"Are you warm enough Zo?" Derek stopped, kneeling down in front of the stroller.

"Da..." Zola pounded the tray on her stroller.

"You could always adopt again."

"It's not even an option right now."

"This won't last forever."

"I don't even know if she wants it anymore." Derek stood up and kept pushing the stroller.

"Ask her." Mark shrugged.

"Hmm."

"Can't hurt."

"All that matters right now is Ava...another baby...our relationship...that all takes a back seat right now."

"Your relationship can't...I mean I'm no expert but the kids need you guys to be stronger than ever."

"I don't know how to do that."

"How did you do it before?" Mark asked, leaning over to grab the toy elephant Zola had dropped.

"I don't know...sex...talking...sex."

"Do that..."

"We don't have time."

"You had time before."

"Our daughter didn't have cancer." Derek sighed.

"True." Mark walked, looking around at the bare trees.

"How are you and Lexie?"

"We're good...everything with Ava has really got us to talking about our future. I Mark Sloane...am talking about the future."

"I'm impressed." Derek laughed.

"And we want you guys to move back."

"I know."

"It's time."

"We've talked about it."

"Talk more." Mark groaned, pulling Zola out of the stroller.

"Hi Zo." Derek smiled.

"Ah!"

"Are you and Lexie thinking about kids?" Derek asked, walking alone and pushing the stroller while Mark held Zola.

"She's not ready but we've talked about it."

"And you haven't run away. I'm shocked."

"Hey." Mark frowned. "I've grown up."

"Yes you have." Derek laughed, patting him on the back.

"Da!"

"Don't get me wrong...I love my children...they're...everything." Derek sighed. "But with all of this...sometimes I wish Mer and I could go back to that stage. That happy...care free...everything is perfect stage."

"One where your daughter wasn't fighting for her life?"

"Something like that."

"You and Meredith aren't on thin ice?" Mark asked, almost sounding concerned.

"No...no we're not...it's just..."

"Ava..."

"We could be better."

"But you're not doing horribly?"

"No."

"But you rented out a fancy suite for a few hours of sex?" Mark replied, stopping on the sidewalk.

"Meredith spoke to Lexie..."

"I did." Derek laughed, smiling as he remembered the afternoon.

"With no intention on staying."

"Nope."

"Dirty."

"And now it's been...almost two weeks."

"I'm off Wednesday night...so is Lexie so we can stay with Ava in the hospital for the night." Mark offered.

"Thank you but...no thank you."

"And if she's not in the hospital than we'll help Mom with all three kids at home...not that she needs it."

"I'll let Meredith know you offered."

"Besides...we enjoy time with the kids. At least go on another date."

"Thank you Mark."

"Bahhhh!" Zola gasped, reaching for Mark's nose as they walked.

"Zola...who is that?" Derek laughed.

"Da!"

"No...that's Uncle Mark."

"Go!"

"She has no idea of what's going on." He took Zola from Mark.

"She's brilliant."

"With Ava...the cancer...she's just innocent. And Meredith and I feel like we've been neglecting her." Derek sighed, kissing Zola's head. "I tell Meredith over and over that we're not but..."

"But it's hard."

"Its hard." He nodded.

"I bet."

"And I'm terrified."

"Of?" Mark took Zola.

"Of losing my daughter." Derek breathed.

"I would be lying if I didn't say I was worried but...Ava's going to win this battle."

"That's what everybody says."

"It's true."

"Hmm."

"Starting to doubt it?"

"A little."

"I thought Arizona said everything was going well."

"She did...but we won't know anything for sure until her tests next week"

"So wait until next week to worry." Mark shrugged.

"I wish it was that easy."

"She's put on weight." Mark shrugged.

"I know." Derek sighed.

"It's a good sign."

"You know what I miss?" Derek looked over at Mark.

"What?"

"The OR."

"I knew that would set in." Mark smirked.

"It's not...I can't do anything for my daughter...medically at least. But I can operate on other people and save their lives."

"Talk to Richard Webber. He's our Chief and the head of Neuro recently left to take a position in England."

"I'm sure they already have someone else lined up."

"Give him a call."

"I'll think about it."

"Don't think. Do it. You're doing enough thinking."

"I have to talk to Mer first."

"She won't care." Mark shrugged.

"Yes she will." Derek laughed.

"I thought she was all laid back." Mark laughed, handing Zola to Derek, before taking over pushing the stroller.

"She is. But that's a big decision right now."

"True."

"She's getting cold." Derek held Zola close to him.

"Well and I think those ladies over there think we're gay." Mark sighed, almost hiding his face.

"Who cares? You are in a deep and meaningful relationship." Derek laughed.

"And you?"

"I'm married."

"Maybe Meredith's your beard." Mark laughed, walking towards the house.

"Funny." Derek rolled his eyes.

"Ah ha!" Zola laughed.

"Smart kid." Mark chuckled.

"You're supposed to be on my side Zo." Derek laughed.

"Ba!"

"Come on." He laughed, carrying her inside the house.

"She's definitely not yours...so smart."

"Thanks Mark."

"You love me..."

"Yeah."

"I'm gonna go put on a pot of coffee."

"Okay." Derek took Zola's hat off. "I'm going to put her down for a nap."

"Have fun with that!" Mark called, walking into the kitchen.

"Oh we will, won't we?" Derek smiled, kissing Zola's nose and carrying her up the stairs for her nap. He missed Ava and every other moment he wondered how she was doing but it was great to spend some time with Zola and Mark and that even though he wasn't there, Ava was taken care of.


	35. Chapter 35

Ever since Derek's walk with Mark, he couldn't get off his mind what his friend had said about giving Richard Webber, the chief of surgery at the New York hospital, a call about a job. The truth was that he missed the operating room and the patients and the way that he felt when he saved a life. But he wasn't sure what to tell his wife about going back to work. They had so much on their plates

with trying to take care of Ava, Hunter and Zola and going back to work seemed like it would be too much but it Derek couldn't get it off his mind. And after a lot of thought and a call to the chief, he decided it was finally time to tell Meredith. They were sitting with Ava as she slept during her chemo treatment and he figured now was as good of a time as ever.

"She's doing so well." Derek smiled, fixing Ava's blanket as he sat on one side of her.

"A regular old pro."

"She is."

"Arizona thinks she should be able to tolerate a bone marrow transplant soon...and it will hopefully play a big role in her healing."

"She'll have to be in the hospital for awhile."

"True." Meredith sighed.

"Mer..."

"Yeah?" Meredith looked up.

"We need to...talk about something." Derek said.

"Is it about Ava sleeping in our bed?"

"No."

"I was going to say...we agreed that her being in our room was the best for a while."

"I still think it is."

"Okay." Meredith smiled.

"How would you feel about me going back to work?" Derek asked.

"I...back in Seattle...?" She looked at him with confusion on her face.

"Here."

"New York?"

"New York...here...in this hospital.

"Oh." Meredith looked down at Ava.

"I spoke to the Chief the other day...Richard Webber..."

"I've met him."

"He's a nice guy,."

"Right..."

"And they're looking for a new chief of neuro."

"And you want the job?"

"I don't know."

"And he understands that Ava...she might need you sometimes?"

"He does." Derek nodded, looking over at Ava.

"She's going to need a transplant soon and when she has surgery you might..."

"I will be there...no question."

"Okay." Meredith breathed.

"If you don't want me to take the job..."

"I...it might be good for you."

"But what about you?" Derek asked.

"I need to be with Ava." She whispered, leaning over to kiss her sleeping girl's cheek. "She needs me."

"I don't want you to resent me." Derek breathed.

"I won't..." Meredith sighed, closing her book.

"Are you sure?"

"I can't think about work right now because I'm distracted and its not good for me to work and...she needs me but we're already here all the time so maybe you should get back to work." Meredith sighed. "You working might be a little more normal for the kids."

"I don't want to go back to work and have you feel like I left you here to do this on your own." Derek whispered, pulling the blanket all the way over Ava's feet.

"I think it's a good idea."

"Okay."

"I mean...you can work and see how you like working in the city."

"Promise me something?"

"What?"

"If you feel like I'm overdoing it...tell me and I'll pull back."

"Derek I trust you...I do." Meredith explained. "You love your kids so much and I know you won't do anything to hurt them or jeopardize your time with them."

"Okay." Derek sighed.

"Plus maybe your hands will stop shaking." She smirked.

"What?" He looked down at this hands that he was wringing together.

"You need to cut...you're human."

"I'll um...I'll call him back later."

"Not to be the nagging wife but you have to stop in and check on her when you're working." Meredith replied.

"I will." Derek chuckled, finally feeling relieved.

"Maybe if you like it..."

"Hmm?"

"If you like New York...we could think about making the move."

"That's a big decision."

"But we said we would consider it."

"We'll see what happens."

"When would you start?" Meredith asked, reaching for her phone.

"Next week."

"Wow."

"I know."

"Soon." Meredith shifted in her seat.

"Mer...if you really don't want me to..."

"It's good for us."

"So next week..."

"You return to work."

"Yeah."

"I think it will be harder on you...being away from Ava."

"I feel like I have to do something...I can't help her..." Derek breathed, running his hand over Ava's.

"I understand." Meredith breathed.

"Daddy..." Ava's eyes slowly opened.

"Hey there sleepy head." Derek smiled.

"Juice."

"Here you go." He handed Ava her cup.

"How did you sleep?" Meredith asked, moving around the cords attached to her daughter.

"Good." Ava yawned.

"You were getting your rest." Meredith giggled.

"I was sleepy."

"Yeah?"

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked.

"I want oranges." Ava pointed to the snack cooler they had brought for her.

"I'll peel one for you."

"Kay." Ava reached for her baby doll.

"There you go." Derek handed her a piece of the orange.

"Yummy." Ava sighed.

"Do you want more?"

"Yeah." Ava breathed.

"Here." He handed her another piece and kissed her cheek.

"Ava you've been eating good today." Meredith said, fixing Ava's pink fleece blanket.

"My tummy is hungry."

"What else do you want?" Meredith asked, reaching for the snack bag.

"Crackers."

"Here." Meredith took two crackers from a zip lock bag. "Start with two."

"You're doing so well, pumpkin." Derek smiled.

"She is." Meredith breathed.

"Do I have to stay here tonight?" Ava asked.

"No we're going home tonight." Meredith squeezed her hand.

"Good." Their little girl smiled weakly.

"Hi Ava!" Sammy, a fellow patient and one of Ava's newest friend's wheeled by with the assistance of a nurse.

"Hi!" Ava waved.

"Wanna play after I get pricked in the finger?"

"Can I play?" Ava turned to Meredith.

"I...maybe you two can color." Meredith suggested, looking up at her husband.

"As long as you're not running around I think it's okay." Derek smiled.

"Yay!" Sammy clapped.

"I'll bring her back when we're done." The nurse laughed.

"Sammy has cancer in her brain Daddy." Ava replied, taking another bite of the orange.

"I know."

"But we both have no hair!" Ava gasped, kicking her legs.

"I know I see." Derek chuckled.

"Is my yucky in my brain?"

"No..." He breathed.

"Why?"

"I...it's not."

"Cause I'm gonna get better?"

"You're both going to get better."

"And we can be best friends." Ava giggled, taking another bite.

"Right."

"Good."

"Have a little bit more juice before you go play."

"Or maybe Sammy could come over here since she's not hooked up to anything yet." Meredith breathed.

"Did you bring my dolls?" Ava asked.

"I did." Meredith breathed, reaching for a pink tote.

"We can play Barbies!"

"Calmly." Meredith breathed, opening the bag.

"Drink your juice first, please." Derek handed Ava her cup.

"Kay." Ava yawned, taking a big swig. "Do you think Sammy can come to grandmas and play one day?"

"Oh...maybe."

"I like living at Grandmas." Ava breathed as Meredith sat up, before sitting down in Ava's chair and lifting her little girl onto her lap.

"Yeah?" Derek looked up at Meredith, thinking about their conversation from earlier about moving back to New York.

"Yeah." Ava curled into Meredith's chest.

"That's good."

"Will Santa know we're at grandma's and not in Seattle?" Ava asked.

"He will." Derek nodded.

"We gotta get new stockings."

"We will Ava." Meredith kissed her head.

"I want a big one."

"How big?" Meredith giggled.

"This big." Ava held her arms as wide as she could

"Wow." Meredith giggled.

"And Daddy should dress up like Santa!"

"I don't know about that Ava." Derek laughed.

"No wires." Ava lifted her hand, hoping Derek would un hook her from her medicine.

"I can't do that pumpkin."

"I don't like it." Ava giggled.

"I know."

"No..." Ava laughed. At this point she knew better than to expect anyone to remove the wires but she still asked with a smile on her face. "Gotta take it away."

"Very soon." Derek kissed his daughter's cheek.

"Cracker." Ava pointed.

"Here you go."

"It's a good day." Ava grinned.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Ava stretched.

"Why do you say that?"

"It just is." Ava shrugged, reaching for Meredith's phone.

"Oh okay." He laughed, looking over at Meredith.

"It is, isn't it?" Meredith breathed, knowing now that a day their daughter was alive and breatching was a good day.

"Is Sammy going to come play?" Ava asked.

"In a little while." Meredith breathed.

"I wanna play!"

"Want to play a game?" Meredith asked, reaching into one of her bags.

'What game?"

"I have Candyland and your princess game." Meredith breathed, wanting to please Ava quickly.

"Yeah! Candyland!"

"I thought you would like that."

"Daddy play with us!"

"Okay." Derek laughed.

"I'm going to call your Mom before we play." Meredith stood, reaching for her phone.

"Kay." Ava smiled. "Tell her I'll come home soon!"

"I will." Meredith kissed her cheek.

"Bye." She giggled, waving at Meredith as she walked from the room.

"Will you have a little bit more juice Aves?" Derek asked her.

"No."

"Just one more little sip."

"No more." Ava giggled.

"You are stubborn just like your mother." Derek laughed.

"Like Mommy!"

"Just like Mommy."

"Yeah." Ava laughed, kissing her baby doll.

"I'm very proud of you Aves." Derek smiled.

"Why?"

"You are doing so well."

"What does that mean?" Ava asked.

"I...nothing." Derek laughed. "I love you."

"You're silly."

"I know."

"Okay...Zola is apparently a little cranky right now." Meredith sighed, coming back and sitting down.

"Does she need help?" Derek asked.

"I asked but she said they're doing just fine." Meredith opened the board game box.

"Is Hunter helping her?"

"Of course." Meredith smiled, as she handed out the pieces. Ava was doing well all things considered and it helped that their little girl had even made a friend who understood what it was like to be a kid who was sick. Meredith would do anything to get Ava healthy but things seemed to be going well. She was strong and right now they were going to soak in the moments that she laughed and seemed

like their normal little girl. Derek would go back to work and while she would take on the brunt of Ava's care during that time, she was happy. They would fall into a normal routine and maybe they could move forward as soon as Ava began to heal.


	36. Chapter 36

Christmas was always one of Derek's favorite time of the year. He loved the decorations and the atmosphere, but most of all he loved the time that he got to spend with his family and he was so happy to have Ava home as they prepared for Christmas. He had gone and picked up the tree that morning from the same place they had always gotten their tree from and now it was time to decorate it.

"Here are the lights..." Derek carried a box in from the garage and set it down in the living room.

"Thank you dear." His mother grinned as she and Amelia walked around the tree, fluffing each branch. "Hunter I think we picked a good one."

"It's huge." Hunter smiled.

"It is." Ava gasped.

"You like it?" Derek smiled, picking Ava up.

"Yeah." Ava nodded, feeling the branches. "Spikey."

"Where is your Mommy Ava?" Amelia asked, leaning over to kiss her nieces cheek.

"Changing Zo's dirty diaper." Ava giggled.

"Ew." Amelia winced.

"Stinky." Ava laughed, pinching Amelia's nose.

"Oh let me get a picture of that." Derek's mother said quickly.

"She still takes pictures of everything." Derek laughed.

"Grandma took a picture of me with the tree guy today." Hunter announced as Mrs. Shepherd snapped a picture.

"She used to do that with Dad every year." He breathed, patting his son on the back.

"Zola is clean." Meredith laughed coming into the room.

"Look at you." Amelia laughed, taking her niece. "I'm definitely her favorite aunt."

"She loves every one of her aunts." Their mother said quickly.

"But me the most." Amelia whispered.

"Give her back so you can help me with the lights." Mrs. Shepherd laughed, shaking her head.

"I've got her." Meredith giggled, taking Zola back into her arms. "Ava how are you feeling?"

"Good." Ava smiled.

"Good." Meredith smiled, sitting down on the couch. "Hunter, what are you guys making?"

"We're gonna make our lists for Santa!" Hunter dumped out a box of markers in front of him.

"What are you asking him for?" Meredith asked, reaching for Zola's toy.

"Um...video games...and legos..."

"I'm asking for Barbies." Ava added as Derek put her back onto the floor, but not before pressing a kiss to her soft cheek.

"Of course." Derek laughed.

"And I'm asking for no cancer."

"Aves..." Derek breathed.

"What Daddy?" Ava asked, reaching for a purple marker.

"Nothing." He looked over at Meredith.

"And I want a drawing table!" Ava replied.

"You've been good. I'm sure Santa will bring it." Amelia pulled a string of lights out of the box.

"Hunter has been good too." Ava giggled.

"All three of you have been good." Derek smiled.

"Ga!" Zola clapped.

"Mommy what do you want from Santa?" Ava grinned up at Meredith.

"I want for you to get better." Meredith smiled warmly. It was amazing how that one thing could be the best gift.

"Me too!" Hunter shouted.

"Me three." Derek laughed.

"Me five!" Ava jumped.

"Okay..." Mrs. Shepherd laughed. "I need someone to go get the boxes of ornaments."

"I'll go." Amelia stepped out from behind the tree. "I need to refill my coffee anyways."

"Mark is going to come over later to help with the outdoor decorations." Mrs. Shepherd told them.

"You guys can put them up while Ava and I work on her colors." Meredith stood, kissing Derek quickly with Zola on her hip. "We haven't done any schooling today and I want to try and get something done because Arizona said her chemo side effects would kick in around this time with the new medication."

"I can help too." Hunter offered.

"Thanks bud." Derek smiled.

"No problem." Hunter replied, writing slowly.

"Sleepy Ava?" Meredith asked, her voice soft as she looked down to find her little girl resting her head over her paper.

"Just a little."

"That's okay..."

"But I don't want to go to sleep."

"You don't have to right now...why don't you come sit and tell me what you want to ask Santa for...that way we can finish your list when you're ready."

"I wanna help decorate."

"Right..." Meredith sighed, kissing her cheek. "Well sit with me until they're ready."

"Kay." Ava crawled into Meredith's lap and rested her head on her shoulder.

"Are you having fun with your brother?" Meredith asked, sitting Zola onto the couch next to her.

"Yeah."

"Good." Meredith giggled, stopping Zola as she tried to climb around the couch.

"Am I gonna be here for Christmas?" Ava asked.

"What?" Meredith breathed as Derek stopped what he was doing.

"Am I gonna have to be in the hospital?" Ava looked up.

"Oh..." Derek sighed. "I don't know, Ava."

"We'll deal with that if the time comes...but Arizona thinks you should be okay to stay home." Meredith replied, pulling Zola back into her lap as well.

"Okay." Ava sighed.

"Don't worry Ava...Mommy and Daddy said Santa would come no matter where you are." Hunter smiled.

"But I wanna be here."

"Well hopefully you will be." Meredith rubbed her back.

"Can we decorate now?" Ava asked.

"Yes." Derek told her. "But we have to be careful okay? The ornaments are fragile."

"Like glass?" Ava breathed, standing up.

"Right. Like glass."

"Come on Zola...let's hang the ornament Grandma got you." Meredith stood.

"Mommy?" Ava asked, picking up an ornament.

"Yes sweetie?" Meredith asked, helping Zola put her first Christmas ornament onto the tree.

"Is Santa gonna be mad at me cause I got sick?"

"Absolutely not." Meredith sighed, stepping around Amelia. "It's not your fault."

"I don't want to get coal in my stocking."

"You definitely won't be getting coal." Amelia added.

"Do you promise?" Ava whispered.

"I promise." Derek told her.

"You children are going to have an amazing Christmas." Mrs. Shepherd replied, taking Zola into her arms.

"Do you want to put some more ornaments on?" Derek handed Ava another ornament.

"Yeah." Ava giggled, taking the Barbie ornament from her father's hand.

"I'm so glad we had Mrs. Hops next door ship us the holiday ornaments." Meredith breathed. "That way the kids have some of there favorite's." Meredith kissed Derek's cheek.

"Hmm...and you made fun of me for being so organized. She wouldn't have been able to find them." He chuckled, wrapping his arms around her as Ava reached for another ornament.

"I admit it...organization matters."

"Did I hear you right?"

"I won't repeat it." She giggled.

"Look Daddy!" Ava pointed, carefully placing another ornament on the tree.

"I see." He laughed. "Good job."

"Daddy when Mommy was teaching me yesterday...she um...she said that next time we do math we're gonna count to a hundred with candy!"

"Really? That's a lot of candy."

"Yeah." Ava laughed, before running over to Hunter.

"Careful please."

"I hope they sleep well tonight." Meredith breathed.

"Me too."

"She's been finally sleeping. I just hope this round of chemo doesn't bother her too much."

"Who would have thought we would be talking about chemo on Christmas." Derek sighed.

"I wouldn't have."

"What are you two talking about?" Amelia laughed.

"Oh...just about Ava." Meredith smiled, standing up straight.

"Be happy." Amelia put her hand on Meredith's shoulder. "She's home."

"I am." Meredith breathed, watching as Hunter and Ava laughed at each other's jokes.

"Mommy!" Ava ran over to Meredith.

"Yes?" Meredith looked down.

"Can I have some juice?"

"Yes you can..."

"Ava I'll get it." Amelia offered. "Come with me?"

"Okay." Ava grinned, taking Amelia's hand.

"Don't let her run." Meredith warned, before moving towards Derek.

"What do you want for Christmas...besides Ava getting better?" Derek whispered, kissing Meredith's cheek.

"Hmm...nothing."

"There's has to be something."

"A baby..." Meredith giggled then stopped. "No...not now. Not...I was joking."

"So you're not trying to tell me something?" Derek joked.

"I could use socks." Meredith said, changing the subject.

"Seriously?"

"My socks have holes."

"Okay...socks it is."

"And maybe...a house."

"A house?"

"Well...I mean if we're going to be here...the kids really like it here."

"We can start looking."

"So we can move here?" She whispered.

"Yeah."

"Really?" Her face lit up.

"I think it'll be good." Derek smiled.

"Okay..."

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas...decorating day or whatever."

"When do you want to tell the kids?"

"Let's wait...we need to figure everything out with Seattle and the house there..."

"Okay."

"Mommy...Daddy!" Ava ran in with a sippy cup.

"Yes Miss. Ava?" Meredith giggled, lifting her little girl.

"Can I get Sammy a present?"

"I...maybe we can get her one sometime before Christmas." Meredith smiled, kissing Ava's nose.

"I wanna get her a Barbie too so we can match."

"We'll take it to her when they have the Christmas party at the hospital for the little kids on your floor, okay?" Meredith offered.

"Okay." Ava smiled.

"Mom are you guys gonna help and decorate?" Hunter asked, putting one of the candy cane ornaments onto the tree.

"We're coming." Derek laughed.

"Okay...I say we start a fire in the fireplace after this." Amelia replied, walking back into the room. "But the little people have to stay away from the flames...that means you to Zola."

"Ga!" Zola laughed.

"Hey...I'm not little." Hunter laughed. "I can help make the fire."

"Hunter the fire is only to be made by adults...or your older cousins." Meredith reminded her son, who stuck his chest out like a strong man.

"Nice try bud." Derek laughed.

"Aw man." Hunter sighed.

"Maybe next time."

"Okay." Hunter sighed.

"It's okay Hunter." Ava patted her brother on the back.

"Siblings and best friends." Derek's mother smiled warmly.

"Like me and Mark?" Derek chuckled.

"No what you and Mark have is a bromance." Amelia laughed.

"What's that?" Ava asked her aunt.

"It is...it means best friends." Amelia said quickly, before laughing.

"Nice one." Derek shook his head.

"I thought so." Amelia laughed.

"Like me and Sammy?" Ava grinned

"Yeah..." Meredith smiled.

"Kind of." Derek laughed.

"Mama..." Zola giggled.

"Zola..." Meredith laughed, kissing her baby girl's cheek and stroking her head.

"It's almost someone's birthday." Mrs. Shepherd smiled.

"Zola isn't gonna be a baby anymore...she's gonna be a big girl." Ava said, putting another ornament on the tree.

"All of my grandkids are growing up." Mrs. Shepherd sighed, shaking her head.

"When is there gonna be another baby in the family?" Hunter asked.

"I don't know bud. Maybe one of your aunts will have another baby." Derek said, looking over at Meredith.

"I like babies." Ava giggled, jumping up into Amelia's arms.

"Yeah?" Derek laughed.

"Do you like babies Zola?" Meredith asked, bouncing the baby on her hip.

"Da!"

"Yeah?" Meredith giggled.

"I think she's saying yes." Amelia laughed, holding Ava.

"I'm just happy that you're here for the holiday...even if we're dealing with illness." His mother said, smiling as she pulled Hunter close.

"We are too." Derek smiled.

"I like grandma's house." Ava replied.

"Me too." Hunter replied.

)

"I'm glad." Derek breathed.

"I think Zola loves exploring here." Mrs. Shepherd laughed.

"She's been getting into everything."

"And he means everything." Meredith breathed, handing Zola to his mother.

"That's okay." His mother laughed, kissing Zola's cheek. "She's growing and has to learn."

"Ava...I think its time for your bath but we can finish decorating the tree first." Meredith breathed, putting a duck decoration on a branch. "We need to get you in bed at a good time."

"No." Ava shook her head.

"Yes." Meredith nodded.

"Nope."

"You don't want us to call you stinky Ava." Amelia scrunched her nose.

"I'm not stinky." Ava pouted.

"Not yet you're not." Amelia laughed, handing Ava to her mother.

"I want to stay here and play."

"Not when you're sleepy." Meredith sighed.

"But Mommy..."

"Ava...you know you won't win this." Meredith rolled her eyes. "We'll go up in ten minutes for your bath."

"No fair." Ava stuck her lip out.

"Be careful...if you keep doing that, it'll get stuck." Derek teased her.

"Your Daddy used to tell me the same thing." Amelia laughed.

"No it won't." Ava started to giggle.

"Are you sure about that?" Meredith asked.

"I think."

"Yeah?" Meredith looked at her strangely then down at her watch. "Oh what do you know...bath time."

"Fine." Ava sighed dramatically.

"Maybe we can have hot chocolate before bed." Derek smiled.

"Yeah!" Hunter gasped.

"What do you think Aves?"

"With fluffy on top?" Ava asked.

"A little bit."

"Kay." Ava wrapped her arms around Meredith's neck.

"We'll be back." Meredith tipped her head up to kiss her husband.

"We'll be here." Derek smiled, kissing her softly.

"Come on Ava." Meredith kissed Ava's nose before leaving the room.

"She's doing...amazingly well." Mrs. Shepherd breathed.

"She is." Derek sighed.

"She has a lot of questions." Amelia added.

"She's curious." Hunter said.

"And that's okay." His mother assured him, touching his arm. "I'm going to get the candles lit."

"Alright." Derek breathed, sitting down in the same chair his dad always used to sit in, watching as Hunter played with Amelia and he heard Ava giggle from upstairs. From the outside looking in, everything was perfect, at least for today. Everybody was happy and he loved to just sit and listen to his kids laugh but he knew that things were far from perfect. His daughter had cancer and his dad

wasn't there to celebrate them but even with all of that, he was still filled with joy to see his kids smile and laugh.


	37. Chapter 37

"Ava sit still." Meredith laughed as they drove Ava to her check up. It had been a week since they had made a visit to the hospital and they hadn't missed it at all. Ava was going to get her blood taken but they had come early so that Ava could see Sammy. Right now, Meredith would do anything to make her five year old happy so going early to see her only friend here would do. She loved whenever

Ava was excited, because she knew then that cancer hadn't ruined her child yet. It hadn't destroyed the happy little girl and Meredith was thankful for that. "We'll be there soon."

"I'm excited!" Ava bounced in her car seat.

"Alex is going to be so proud of you for eating all of your breakfast." Meredith giggled, squeezing Derek's hand.

"Cause Daddy woulda eaten the rest." Ava giggled.

"They were good pancakes." Derek laughed

"Because they were shaped like snowmen!" Ava shouted.

"Inside voice." Derek reminded her.

"Cause we're gonna be in the hospital?"

"Right."

"And wait for me to get you out of your car seat." Meredith instructed as Derek pulled into the parking lot. "I don't want you running into the road and it's really cold so one of us is going to carry you in once we make sure you're bundled up."

"Okay Mommy." Ava smiled, still squirming in her seat.

"I think we're going to get good news today." Derek smiled at Meredith before getting out of the car.

"Maybe I'll have no more yucky cancer." Ava replied.

"Well we won't find that out today...but we'll hope that everything is going very well." Meredith smiled weakly.

"My coat." Ava held her hands out so Meredith could help her out and put on her jacket.

"Alright." Meredith opened the back car door, sliding the jacket onto her daughter "Cheetah hat with the feathers?"

"Yeah." Ava grinned.

"Okay...now gloves."

"Pink ones."

"You are very mismatched today." Meredith giggled, lifting Ava before turning to face Derek. "Do you want this girl or do you want me to take her?"

"I would love to take her." Derek laughed, taking Ava into his arms and kissing her cheek.

"I have your bag...and here is your baby." Meredith handed Ava the doll she always carried. "This is where Daddy is going to work."

"Fixing people's brains?"

"Yup." Derek nodded.

"She's not going to know what to do without you being home all the time." Meredith laughed.

"Where is Sammy?" Ava asked immediately as they walked through the hospital doors.

"I imagine upstairs." Meredith explained, walking towards the elevators.

"Let's go!" Ava reached out of Derek's arms to push the up button for the elevator.

"We're going...we're going." Meredith laughed, kissing Derek quickly.

"Upstairs...upstairs..." Ava giggled.

"I can't make it move faster."

"I wonder what she asked Santa for."

"I bet not as much pink stuff as you." Derek laughed, stepping off of the elevator.

"Okay...come on little lady." Meredith rolled her eyes, walking down the hall and waving as she saw Alex.

"I thought you're appointment wasn't until two." Alex walked up to them.

"We gotta go see Sammy." Ava giggled.

"Oh." Alex frowned.

"Did you need to see Ava early or something?" Meredith asked as Derek put Ava down.

"No..." Alex looked around, stopping when he saw a nurse. "Ava, why don't you go with Nurse Shannon? I bet she can get you some juice and take you to your room."

"Okay." Ava hugged her doll close, before walking away with the nurse.

"What's going on?" Derek asked.

"Is Ava okay?" Meredith asked, her heart sinking.

"She's fine." Alex sighed. "It's Sammy."

"Oh...is she okay?" Meredith asked, although knowing that look as a doctor all too well.

"She was having a procedure last night to change her line and she went into cardiac arrest."

"Oh my god..." Meredith covered her mouth, leaning into her husband.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this."

"I...so she..." Derek breathed.

"We have to tell Ava..." Meredith said quickly.

"If you want, we can Ava's appointment for tomorrow. Her blood work can wait a day." Alex offered.

"I...yeah lets do that." Meredith looked up at Derek. "Do you think we should wait for the appointment?"

"We can bring her back tomorrow." Derek nodded.

"I'll let you guys talk to her...and I'll let you know when her parents send in the arrangements." Alex sighed.

"Thanks Alex." Derek held tightly onto Meredith.

"I...how do we tell..."

"I don't know."

"Damn it."

"I just..."

"She was Ava's age."

"That could have been us." Derek breathed, shaking his head.

"Derek if anything...if something happens to Ava I don't know what I will do."

"I know." He breathed, hugging Meredith and trying to hold back tears.

"She...we need to go see Ava."

"Okay...come on."

"Yeah..." Meredith breathed, taking his hand. She was about to tell her child something a child should never hear and Meredith was sure this was going to be one of the biggest challenges she had faced.

"Five years old." Derek whispered.

"Hi Shannon." Meredith breathed, walking into the hospital room as Ava played with her baby on the scale. "We'll take over from here."

"No problem." Shannon stood. "Bye Ava."

"Bye!" Ava waved at the nurse. "Can we go see Sammy now?"

"Um...actually we want to talk to you." Meredith sat, pulling Ava onto her lap.

"Why?"

"Um..."

"Ava...we can't go see Sammy." Derek told his daughter.

"Why?" Ava asked innocently.

"She got really sick last night."

"Like a cold?" Ava asked.

"No sweetie." Derek breathed.

"Is she n'tagious?" Ava responded.

"Ava..." Derek reached for his daughter's little hand. "Sammy...she's not...she got so sick that she had to leave."

"Where did she go?" Ava asked.

"She had to go to heaven Ava."

"Will she come back when she's better?"

"She's not going to get better sweetie."

"I'm sorry Aves." Meredith pressed a kiss to Ava's head, holding her close.

"Then can we go visit?" Ava asked, her voice getting latter. "We could take a plane!"

"No." Derek shook his head.

"Why?" Ava groaned.

"Because...we can't."

"Why?" Ava shouted.

"Ava, she's...she had to go to heaven."

"What's that?" Ava groaned.

"Ava...we've talked about it before." Meredith breathed,

"But I wanna see her."

"I know Aves." Meredith was used to delivering bad news, but that was before she had given it to her own child. Now she was struggling to keep herself composed. "I'm sorry."

"I wanna see her!" Ava screamed.

"Ava." Derek picked her up into his lap

"Ava..." Meredith stood.

"I wanna go now!"

"Ava sweetie you can't...Sammy she was sick but her body was tired and her heart...sometimes people can't get better." Meredith tried to explain. "And her body wasn't able to get better so she passed away."

"I'm sorry Aves." Derek whispered, rubbing her back.

"I wanna go see Sammy!" Ava jumped off his lap then took off for the door.

"Ava." Derek ran after her and picked her up.

"Where is Sammy?" Ava cried, hitting his shoulders.

"She's in heaven pumpkin." Derek held her against him. "I'm sure she misses you."

"I want her to come back."

"I know. I do too."

"We can go home." Meredith offered.

"No..." Ava cried.

"We're going to take you home, Aves." Derek whispered.

"No." Ava cried, hiding her face in his shoulder.

"Yeah we're gonna go home." He carried her out of the room.

"I wanna play with Sammy." Ava whimpered.

"I know."

"Ava we're going to go home and we'll lay down together." Meredith said, rubbing her back before stepping onto the elevator. She was thankful that the doors opened right away which never happened in a hospital but today that needed to happen. "We'll make you feel better."

"I can't believe this." Derek sighed.

"Shh..." Meredith whispered to him as Derek tried to comfort their child. "She can't get worked up."

"We're gonna go home. No doctor's today." Derek whispered.

"Daddy..." Ava whimpered.

"I know sweetie. I'm sorry."

"Derek let's just get her home." Meredith sighed.

"We are...we're going home." Derek breathed, holding Ava tightly against him as if he was trying to protect her. He felt horrible for his daughter and while he knew she didn't completely understand what was going on, his daughter shouldn't have to deal with losing a friend at such a young age. But in the back of Derek's mind, all he kept thinking was how this could have been him and Meredith

losing their child to cancer.


	38. Chapter 38

Driving home from the hospital had been unbearable. Even though Ava didn't know exactly what had happened, Derek still had no words to comfort her or to explain how he was feeling. When they had gotten back home, Ava had continued to ask questions about why she couldn't go see Sammy and why she wouldn't be back but after what seemed like hours of talking, she had finally asleep. Derek tucked her in and headed out onto the front porch where Meredith was sitting in the porch swing he used to love as a kid. "She's asleep."

"Grapes and cheese."

"Hmm?"

"When Ava...When I found out Ava was a girl you went back to work and I...had the day off and I went home. I cut grapes and cheese because Hunter was sleeping and I sat on the couch, eating my grapes and cheese and talking to Ava. I knew she wouldn't talk back and I...my point is I had no idea what life would be like when I was talking to her that day. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to protect

her."

"I know." Derek breathed, sitting down on the swing next to her.

"It's weird."

"I just wish she didn't have to go through this...I wish we didn't have to go through this." Derek sighed.

"Punishment for something we did."

"I don't think so."

"I drank...I slept around..."

"It wasn't something we did."

"Ava...what happened to Sammy could just have as easily happened to Ava."

"But it didn't."

"It could have."

"I know."

"I just...Sammy's parents must be a mess." Meredith breathed.

"We should send something."

"Alex texted me and said there will be a celebration of life for Sammy next Friday. They want everyone to wear purple for her favorite color and for it to be happy not sad." Meredith explained.

"That sounds nice." Derek breathed, putting his arm around her.

"We should go." Meredith sighed.

"Hmm...we will."

"We'll need to decide if Ava is okay to go."

"I guess we'll have to see..."

"She doesn't understand."

"She kept asking why she couldn't go visit." Derek sighed.

"I hate life right now."

"Mer..."

"My child has cancer...her best friend just died of cancer...I hate life and I don't even care about saying it." Meredith groaned.

"Our daughter is alive."

"Right now she is." Meredith sniffed.

"She will be fine." Derek whispered, running his hand over her back.

"I want to go back."

"I know...but we can't."

"Derek..." Meredith breathed.

"Hmm?"

"I know you say it isn't our fault." Meredith breathed. "But I look at everything I've done and then I got you and these great kids and...it's a falling shoe or whatever."

"You're a doctor Mer...you know that these things happen...it isn't something that we did to cause it."

"Doctor me does but Mother me doesn't."

"Hmm...well father me understands."

"Mother me wonders why she's going through this and what could I have done to stop it."

"The answer is nothing." Derek whispered.

"If none of this had happened...Ava would be loving school and we..."

"We would be trying for another baby."

"I was going to say we'd be in Seattle." Meredith laughed weakly.

"That too."

"God I can't even imagine what Sammy's parents are going through." Meredith breathed, moving her hand over her chest.

"Mer..." Derek whispered, grabbing her hand.

"She...so little." Meredith bit back the tears threatening to fall down her face.

"I feel...I feel awful for her parents but we...our little girl is upstairs and she's alive."

"I know." Meredith breathed.

"We can't forget that."

"Right..."

"No matter how sad this is." Derek took a deep breath.

"I don't want to let her out of my site." Meredith breathed. "Which I thought I was already bad at but now..."

"I know."

"I don't want her to be dark and twisty." Meredith admitted, looking up at him.

"She won't be."

"Ugh..." Meredith groaned, leaning into him.

"This sucks." He whispered, putting his arms around her.

"Understatement."

"But we're gonna get through it."

"I know." She whispered.

"And we'll be stronger."

"Yeah." Meredith had felt ill all day since they had heard the news. She wouldn't know what to do if it were Ava and knowing that Ava was suffering from the same illness didn't make it any easier. "Hmm...you start work tomorrow."

"Yeah..."

"Going to miss your kids?" Meredith changed the subject, putting her hand back in his.

"I am." Derek nodded.

"What are you going to do when you're at work and I get all of the slobbery Zola wake up kisses." Meredith mimiched their baby girl.

"I will be very jealous." Derek laughed.

"I bet."

"I will expect you to send me lots of pictures."

"Kid pictures?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"I'll miss you too."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Meredith...Derek?" Derek's mother stepped outside in her robe with Zola on her hip.

"Yeah?" Derek turned to look at his mom.

"I was folding some laundry and I heard this one getting fussy." His mother walked over, handing their baby to Derek.

"Hi Zo." Derek smiled, putting her onto his lap.

"Thank you." Meredith smiled weakly as his mother kissed her forehead and stepped inside.

"Were you being fussy Zo?"

"Da..." Zola sucked on her finger.

"What?" Derek laughed.

"Hi Zola." Meredith giggled, leaning forward to kiss her baby's cheek. She knew immediately this is what she had needed and perhaps his mother had known. Normally his Mom would rock the baby back to sleep but tonight she had brought Zola to them and it was perfect. "Hi baby girl."

"Ma!"

"What are you doin'?" Meredith kissed her again.

"Mama."

"Zola..."

"Mama." Zola giggled.

"She's getting so big...she'll be one right after Christmas."

"We'll have to have a party."

"Do you want a party Zo?"

"Ah!" Zola gasped.

"I think that was a yes." Derek laughed, kissing her head.

"I've been feeling guilty...about missing out on time with her."

"Me too. But you know...she won't remember. And she's got to spend so much time with Grandma. Isn't that right Zo?"

"Da." Zola smiled, before hiding her face in his shoulder.

"She's so happy."

"She is wide awake." Derek laughed.

"She is." Meredith scrunched her nose.

"It's supposed to be bedtime, Zo."

"Aren't you going to miss her little face?"

"Hmm...so much."

"Da!"

"I love you Zo."

"Da Da Da Da!"

"Zo Zo Zo Zo!"

"Ha ha ha!" Zola laughed.

"Zo." Meredith giggled, kissing Derek's shoulder.

"Want to go upstairs? Check in on Ava?" Derek asked.

"Sure." Meredith kissed him softly.

"Come on Zo. Let's go see your sister."

"If she doesn't go to bed right away I can bring her down here so you can lay upstairs. That way she won't wake you or Ava since you have to work tomorrow." Meredith breathed.

"Okay."

"You'll wake me up when you get up to shower tomorrow?" Meredith asked as they walked up the steps.

"You need to sleep." Derek breathed.

"Derek..."

"What?"

"Wake me up."

"Okay."

"Thank you." She giggled at the top of the steps.

"You're welcome."

"Da!"

"We're going to see Aves."

"Baby."

"Ava..." Derek whispered, opening the bedroom door.

"I dropped my baby." Ava said outloud, sitting up in the bed.

"We'll get her."

"Kay." Ava yawned.

"Here you go, Zo." Derek sat Zola down on the bed next to Ava.

"Zola." Ava smiled, leaning over to kiss her sister.

"I thought you were sleeping Miss. Ava." Meredith giggled.

"I woke up."

"Well you have to go back to sleep, you need your rest." Meredith sat on the bed, pulling Ava close to her.

"We're going to go to sleep too." Derek told her.

"With Zola." Ava yawned.

"Only if we can get her to sleep." Meredith laughed, glad that her daughter was feeling a little better.

"Can I sleep in your bed?" Ava asked.

"You can but Daddy has to get up early." Derek told her.

"Cause you gotta fix brains?" Ava asked.

"Yup."

"Kay." Ava yawned as Zola crawled up her stomach.

"You are sleepy."

"Can I go get Hunter?" Ava asked, as Meredith pulled the blankets up the bed.

"You want us all to sleep together?" Derek asked.

"Ava Hunter's asleep like you should be and he has school tomorrow so we need to let him sleep." Meredith explained.

"Fine." Ava sighed, too tired to argue.

"Do you want Mommy to take you and I'll take Zo?"

"I wanna cuddle Mommy and Zola can cuddle Daddy and um...Mommy and Daddy have to cuddle another night cause they got kids in the bed tonight." Ava explained.

"Oh okay." Derek laughed, looking at Meredith.

"Gotta put my baby in Mommy's belly so she can sleep." Ava sat up giggling.

"Ava." Meredith giggled as Ava put the baby doll on her stomach. "Stop that tickles."

"Okay Ava...i's time to go to bed. Derek laughed, picking Zola up.

"Bah Be! Bah Be!" Zola laughed.

"Time to calm down."

"Daddy we're your girls!" Ava clapped.

"Yes you are. All three of you."

"We need more girls!" Ava shouted.

"Ava...indoor voice. Hunter is sleeping."

"Bah Be!" Zola clapped.

"Bed time." Derek smiled.

"Derek do you want me to take the girls downstairs." Meredith asked.

"No. I can't leave my girls."

"Ba ba ba da!" Zo giggled as Derek placed her on his chest.

"Shh..." Derek whispered.

"Sleep time girls." Meredith rubbed Ava's back.

"To the big bed." Ava giggled.

"Come on." Meredith giggled.

"Let's go." Derek laughed, carrying Zola while Meredith took Ava to their bed. The night had quickly turned to them spending quality time with their daughters and after everything that had happened and finding out that Sammy had passed away, that was all that seemed important.


	39. Chapter 39

As Meredith clutched the wheel tight, she fought back the tears. The thought that a family was going to live life without their child made her heart ache. She had dealt with it as a doctor and it was never easy but something about it was harder right now. Derek was at work and had been unable to make Sammy's Celebration of Life. So she had taken Ava and driven two hours to Sammy's home town. Ava sat quietly in the back seat, looking out the window as she clutched the tulle of her purple skirt she had worn for her friend. Sammy's parents had stressed that it was meant to be a celebration and that they should dress in purple since it was Sammy's favorite color. At the end of the ceremony, everyone had released pink and white balloons into the air. Since then, Ava had been quiet, only

speaking occasionally. "Ava?"

"Yeah?" Ava whispered.

"Are you alright?" Meredith asked, adjusting her own eggplant dress at the light.

"Yeah."

"There were pretty flowers today." Meredith said quietly. She had been a dark and twisty child and it was strange to know her own little girl was dark and twisty right now. She was trying to act like a mother, to lift her little girl out of the darkness she was in. "Lots of purple."

"Purple is Sammy's favorite."

"That's right sweetie."

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"When's Sammy gonna be back?" Ava asked.

"She's...Ava remember she passed? She's going to...Daddy said she was going to Heaven."

"I know but when's she gonna come back?"

"Ava...she's not."

"But why Mommy?"

"She was really sick Aves." Meredith struggled with how to make her daughter understand.

"I'm really sick too." The little girl whispered.

"I know." Meredith sighed before shaking her head quickly. "I mean..."

"Am I going to go away too?"

"What? No." Meredith shook her head again. "Sweetie...sometimes people get really sick but sometimes...sometimes they're okay and other times they're not."

"But why am I okay and Sammy is not?"

"Ava..."

"Yeah?"

"What happened to Sammy...it doesn't always happen. What happened to Sammy isn't what will happen to you."

"Oh."

"But you know what..."

"What?" Ava asked.

"I bet she felt pretty special having a friend like you." Meredith swallowed.

"She was my best friend."

"She was and remember what that lady said about keeping her in your heart?" Meredith remembered those words from the service and they had stuck in her mind even if she wasn't sure why.

"Yeah."

"Well she can always be your best friend in your heart.:

"Okay."

"Like the lady said..." Meredith breathed.

"I miss Daddy."

"I know sweetie." Meredith kept her eyes on the road. "He'll be home a little after we are."

"Kay." Ava sighed.

"Are you sleepy?" Meredith asked.

"No."

"Do you want your juice?"

"No."

"I have your apple juice." Meredith sighed.

"I'm not thirsty." Ava whispered.

"Okay..." Meredith breathed. She wasn't sure what to say or what to do to make this better. She wasn't even sure that she was okay. Ava was too young to understand death and she never should have learned what it was at five. This wasn't a goldfish or a hamster. It wasn't a plant or a fresh bouquet of flowers. It was her little girl's friend who just happened to have cancer too.

"Are you and Daddy going to go where Sammy went?" Ava's eyes went large and she looked up front at Meredith.

"No...not for...we're staying here with you Ava."

"But what if you get sick?" She started to cry.

"Ava..." Meredith frowned, then looked ahead at the nearest exit for a place to stop. She took a deep breath of relief when she realized there was a family park just around the corner.

"Mommy." Ava cried.

"One second Aves..." Meredith drove faster than she would have liked as she pulled into the parking lot. All around her families were getting ready to go ice skating in the park and bands playing holiday music. It was a quick reminder that it was the twenty-third of December.

"What if..." Her little girl wailed, tears running down her cheeks.

"Okay..." Meredith turned the car off, before getting out and walking around ot the back opened the door and stepped in, quickly taking Ava out of her car seat and pulling her into her lap.

"Okay...I'm here."

"Mommy..."

"Ava...I'm going to do my best to be healthy and so is Daddy. I...things happen that you can't help because...that's how life is but I don't want you to worry. We're going to do everything we can to make sure that We're all together...always."

"What about Grandma?"

"She's going to do her best too."

"Okay..."

"Bad things happen sometimes Ava...but you have no reason to be afraid." Meredith assured her daughter, adjusting the purple cap on her head. "You're too little to be scared."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry Aves."

"I want to go home."

"We can." Meredith stroked her cheek.

"Please."

"Will you drink some juice?"

"No." Ava shook her head.

"Yes please." Meredith nuzzled her nose against Ava's.

"No."

"Why not?" Meredith reached for a blanket and the juice cup.

"I'm not thirsty."

"Aves..."

"I want to go home."

"I...okay..." Meredith sighed.

"Don't get sick Mommy." Ava hugged Meredith tightly.

"Sweetie...sometimes people get colds or the flu..."

"But..."

"But it's not always bad...remember when Hunter got a cold last Christmas and we gave him hot chocolate and he slept but then he was better?" Meredith asked, putting the blanket over Ava. People were probably staring but she didn't care.

"Yeah."

"There are different kinds of sick Ava...it's not all bad."

"Mmkay." Ava sniffled, wiping her face.

"And what happened to Sammy sweetie...her body was tired."

"Okay."

"She had cancer for a long time..." Meredith tried to explain. She needed her little girl to understand that death happened, but so did life.

"Am I going to get better?" Ava looked up at her mom.

"I believe you are...but let's take it day by day." Meredith smiled weakly. "How about...every day we do something very special."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Meredith smiled, biting back tears. "We can watch movies...make things...attempt to bake..."

"Can we make chocolate chip cookies with marshmallows?" Ava giggled lightly.

"We can and we'll do something new every day...even if it's just reading a new book."

"Okay."

"How does that sound?"

"Good."

"Grandma or Daddy might have to help us...so I don't burn anything." Meredith giggled weakly.

"That would be bad." Ava giggled.

"Yeah..." Meredith laughed.

"Daddy would be mad."

"He would."

"I am going to miss Sammy."

"I know...I will too."

"But she's here." Ava pointed to her heart.

"She is." Meredith smiled, the tears starting to flow.

"Don't cry Mommy."

"I love you Aves."

"I love you too."

"Do you want to head home now?" Meredith asked, her voice soft as she cuddled Ava close.

"Yeah."

"We can do that."

"Let's go." Ava took Meredith's hand.

"Back in the car seat." Meredith kept her head down as she sat forward on the back seat.

"Can we get chicken nuggets?"

"Yes." Meredith kissed her nose before putting her back in the seat. "You haven't eaten very well lately so I'm glad you wanted that."

"My tummy is hungry."

"I bet...you know sometimes when you're sad you don't feel hungry."

"Yeah."

"You're all buckled."

"Go drive Mommy."

"I will Miss. Ava...you try and get some rest because we still have an hour and a half to drive."

"I'll try." Ava pulled the blanket in the back seat over her. "Remember to put on your seatbealt!"

"I will." Meredith laughed, closing the car door. This wasn't going to end every question Ava had but Meredith knew that Ava understood a little more now. There was know way to calm Ava's fears about death right now so all she could do was make sure that her daughter loved her life and that would mean letting her try new things every day. So that no matter what, Ava would accomplish a lot.


	40. Chapter 40

"Careful Hunter..." Derek laughed as Hunter played with the new toys that he had just opened for Christmas. Christmas morning had been amazing and there was no mention of cancer or sickness. His kids got to have the best Christmas morning that he could give them and the best part for Derek was sitting back on the couch with Meredith and watching how happy his kids were.

"We should have just gotten Zo wrapping paper." Meredith giggled.

"I thought for sure that she would like the baby keyboard more than crinkly paper."

"You spent so much time picking out the pink or the purple keyboard." Meredith kissed his cheek as Ava sat playing in the corner with her Barbies.

"She's definitely a purple. Ava is the pink lover in the family." Derek laughed,

"You think Hunter likes his new game system thing?"

"I think we're going to have to peel the controller out of his hands to get him to pay attention to us."

"Oh boy..." Meredith laughed.

"Do you like your gifts?" Derek asked.

"I do." Meredith lifted her feet to show off her new boots. "Especially these."

"Good." He smiled, kissing her softly. "I have one more thing for you upstairs."

"Is it something I have to unwrap?" She whispered, looking down at his zipper.

"I...yes...but it's not what you think." Derek laughed.

"No?" She frowned.

"But I could give you that too."

"You will tonight for sure." Meredith giggled.

"Definitely." Derek grinned, kissing her again.

"Daddy?" Ava walked over, putting her Barbie on his lap.

"Yes princess?"

"I like this Barbie...she has a pretty dress."

"Well I'm glad you like her."

"I gotta Santa Hat." Ava laughed, putting her hand over the pink hat on her head.

"I know I see." Derek laughed, lifting her onto his lap.

"Very pretty." Meredith giggled as Hunter came and sat next to her.

"Mommy and I have one more surprise for you." Derek told his kids.

"What is it?" Hunter asked as Zola played at their feet.

"Do you want to tell them?" He looked at Meredith.

"Sure." Meredith smiled then looked her kids. "Well we know how much you guys like New York and Hunter likes his new school so we were thinking we could move here and get our own house."

"Really?" Hunter jumped up.

"Really." Meredith smiled.

"Awesome!"

"What do you think Aves?" Derek asked.

"I like New York!" Ava giggled.

"Good." He smiled.

"We have to sell the house in Seattle but we're going to start looking for a house here." Meredith explained.

"What about Grandma?" Ava asked.

"We are going to live very close to Grandma." Meredith explained.

"Oh...kay!"

"What about Grandma?" Derek's Mom smiled, walking into the room with an Apron. She was preparing for Christmas dinner when Derek's sisters and their husbands and children came over.

"Grandma guess what?" Ava ran over to her.

"What baby?" Mrs. Shepherd asked.

"Tell her Aves..." Meredith smiled.

"We're gonna move to a house!"

"Oh really?" Derek's mom exclaimed, lifting Zola into her arms.

"Be more specific Aves." Derek laughed.

"A house by you!" Ava exclaimed, looking up at her Grandma.

"We're moving back to New York." Derek laughed, looking at his mother.

"Oh Derek!"

"It just seemed like the right thing to do." He stood up to hug her.

"Oh It was." His mother exclaimed.

"We're going to start looking for houses."

"Big ones!" Ava jumped.

"So you have a lot of room to play." Mrs. Shepherd laughed.

"Yeah!" Ava giggled.

"It's going to be fun!" Hunter laughed.

"Do you need any help with dinner, Mom?" Derek asked quickly.

"No but I could use some kids to help put marshmallows and cherries on the sweet potatos." His mother explained. "And Zola can taste test some applesauce."

"Why don't you two go help Grandma?" Derek suggested.

"Kay." Hunter jumped up.

"I'll take the kids into the kitchen." His mother smiled, with Zola on her hip.

"Thanks Mom." Derek smiled as his mother left the living room with the kids.

"So your kids took that well."

"My kids?"

"Your kids." She giggled, kissing his neck.

"Want to go upstairs...so I can give you your gift?" Derek whispered against her lips.

"Uh huh."

"Okay." He laughed, kissing her again.

"Come on before your kids come back."

"I'm following you."

"Good boy." She laughed, walking quickly up the steps.

"I really do have something for you." Derek laughed.

"I believe you."

"Something not what you think."

"What would I think?"

"I know how you think."

"Oh really?"

"Uh huh."

"What is it?" She asked, sitting back on the bed.

"Wait one second..." Derek reached into the bottom of one of his dresser drawers and pulled out a wrapped package.

"Do you like your watch? Zola helped me pick it out."

"I love it."

"She was a hit with all of the sales ladies." Meredith giggled as he sat next to her.

"This is for you." Derek handed her the package.

"For me?" She breathed, tearing away at the wrapping paper.

"Mmhmm."

"Derek..." Meredith gasped, opening the velvet box.

"Keep going..."

"Derek..." Meredith smiled, taking the bracelet with three beads on it out of the box.

"One for Ava...Hunter...and Zola...and if we have another little one...we can add on." He whispered.

"I love it." She grinned, as he took it from her hand and she held her wrist out.

"Good." Derek breathed, fastening it on her wrist.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Fourth bead."

"Hmm?"

"I'm starting to feel like its going to be three beads." Meredith swallowed.

"You never know." Derek whispered, kissing her cheek. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Meredith moved to straddle him, wrapping her arms around him.

"I love you."

"Love you too..."

"We are very lucky."

"Yeah?"

"I know I am." He whispered. "I have you...and three happy kids."

"Even when all three pile into our bed and insist on sleeping there?" Meredith giggled, moving to kiss his neck.

"Even when that happens." He laughed.

"Even when all three pile into our bed and insist on sleeping there?" Meredith giggled, moving to kiss his neck.

"Even when that happens." He laughed.

"Hmm...want to know a secret?"

"What?"

"I've decided that Daddy Derek...is sexier than doctor Derek."

"Really?"

"Putting together Zola's play car? Very sexy."

"Oh yeah?" He laughed, leaning back on the bed.

"And playing video games with Hunter...taking care of Ava when she cries because her lines are hurting her." Meredith kissed along his chin.

"Very sexy."

"It is." Meredith laughed, pressing her lips against his.

"You're not so bad yourself." He whispered against her lips.

"Lexie and Mark want us to go out with them on New Years."

S says 1010 PM

"Hmm...no..."

"What?"

"I'd rather stay home with the kids."

"Oh...okay." Meredith smiled.

"See how long they can stay up before they crash." He laughed.

"What happened to us?" She giggled, her head moving back.

"We had kids." Derek laughed.

"We can get Hunter and Zola sparkling cider...real champagne for us."

"That sounds perfect."

"I don't think Ava or Hunter have ever made it to midnight." She kissed him again.

"Hunter is already planning how he's going to stay awake." Derek ran his hands along her back.

"We'll know the results of Ava's tests...the blood tests."

"Yeah..."

"We earned it."

"I agree."

"And tonight...we'll put the kids to bed...in the other rooms. Even Ava." Meredith kissed him softly. "Then we'll have our own time..."

"Okay." Derek whispered, kissing her back.

"Unless we are needed..."

"We have time right now."

"Yeah..."

"The kids are downstairs and entertained..."

"We...the condoms are in the diaper bag downstairs."

"Damn."

"The box fell out in the car and when I realized I stuffed the box in the diaper bag." Meredith frowned.

"That's okay." Derek kissed her cheek.

"I just...I've been bad about the pill lately with Ava." Meredith admitted. "And getting pregnant right now..."

"Yeah."

"But you've been good..."

"I can wait until later." He chuckled.

"You sure?" Meredith kissed down his chest.

"Mmhmm..."

"I could stop." She backed up, her hands bracing on the bed.

"I...no...that's okay..."

"Okay." She smirked, unzipping his jeans as he hardened beneath her.

"Mer..."

"Yeah?"

"The door...close the door."

"The kids are busy."

"Just in case...oh..."

"Mommy! Daddy!" They suddenly heard Ava running up the steps.

"Shit." Derek reached for the zipper of his pants and quickly pulled it up.

"Crap." Meredith tossed a pillow on Derek's lap, jumping up as Ava ran in.

"Daddy!" Ava shouted.

"Yes Aves?" Derek asked, holding the pillow on his lap.

"I put six marshmallows on the orange potatoes!" Ava jumped on the bed.

"Great job."

"But Grandma said I needed a nap." Ava wrapped her arms around Meredith.

"That is a very good idea." Derek nodded.

"Cause I cried and Grandma said that means I'm sleepy."

"Well why doesn't Mommy tuck you into your bed?"

"No."

"No?"

"I wanna lay with you and Mommy." Ava said, putting her head on Meredith's shoulder.

"Oh."

"Why did you cry Ava?" Meredith looked up at Derek apologetically.

"Hunter used a marshmallow from my pile."

"Yep...you're sleepy." Meredith giggled. Hunter and Ava rarely fought and it usually only happened when one or both of them was sick or tired.

"I'm gonna..." Derek moved away from the bed. "I'll be right back."

"Derek..." She giggled, watching how red his face was as she took care of her little girl.

"Where'd Daddy go?" Ava asked.

"Oh um...he had to get something." Meredith said quickly. "How are you feeling?"

"Christmas!"

"You feel like Christmas?" Meredith giggled.

"Yeah." Ava grinned.

"Did you like your play kitchen with the pretend cupcakes?"

"Uh huh!"

"It's time to close your eyes Ava." Meredith said as Derek walked out of the bathroom.

"I'll come lie down with you." Derek laughed, looking at Meredith.

"You're a little warm baby girl." Meredith whispered, placing her hand on Ava's forehead. It was a symptom she he continued to lookout for and while Ava hadn't had too many fevers lately, Meredith knew not to worry right away. Ava needed her rest. "It means you need rest."

"Come here...between Mom and Dad." Derek laid down on the bed.

"Naptime with the king and queen." Ava giggled, sliding between them, making it easy to forget how sick she was.

"King and queen?" He laughed.

"Yeah." Ava nodded, curling into her mother's side.

"Okay."

'I'm tired." Ava admitted.

"Go to sleep." Derek whispered.

"I love you Ava." Meredith whispered, stroking her little girl's face as she quickly drifted to sleep.

"I love you." Derek whispered, looking up at Meredith as their little girl slept in between them. They could hear the faint sounds coming from downstairs of Hunter and his mother laughing and Zola babbling as they finished making Christmas dinner. Derek did his best to push out of his mind the fact that his daughter was sick and just enjoy the holiday and for once, it was actually working.


	41. Chapter 41

Meredith was certain her hands were shaking as she clutched Derek's free hand. She was a doctor but right now she hated it. She hated knowing what the possibilities were. Today Arizona and Alex would run tests and in two days they would be back to hear the results and that was agonizing. She knew that there were only a few ways it could go and judging by Ava's behavior and symptoms lately she was terrified. For the past few days their sweet child had run fevers, become very tired and even complained of headaches. It certainly didn't help ease their fears. Not to mention Ava had refused to do anything this morning. Derek had to hold her down to dress her, she wouldn't eat and she wouldn't do anything. As Derek moved into a parking spot, she felt the vomit rise in her throat but she just had to push it away. "We're here."

"It's going to be okay." Derek whispered, squeezing Meredith's hand as he turned off the car.

"Ava we're here." Meredith looked back at her little girl.

"No." Ava crossed her arms.

"No? No what?" Derek asked, getting out of the car and opening the back door to get her out.

"I wanna go home!"

"We're going to go see Arizona and Alex."

"No!" Ava kicked as Derek unbuckled her.

"Ava you have to stand." Meredith groaned, leaning against the car.

"Come on Aves." He lifted her from the car and put her down to try to get her to walk.

"No." Ava stomped, sitting on the ground.

"Ava...up."

"I don't wanna walk." Ava argued, throwing her cup.

"Are you going to sit out here in the parking lot?" Derek asked.

"No!"

"I'll get her." Derek sighed, picking Ava up as Meredith got the rest of their things from the car.

"Thank you." Meredith reached for her purse and the typical bag they brought for Ava.

"Will you please be good for Daddy when we get inside?" Derek asked Ava, walking towards the hospital.

"No needles!"

"One small needle...and then you'll get a lollipop."

"No!" Ava screamed.

"Ava why are you so cranky?" Meredith asked, picking up the glove Ava tossed.

"I hate the hospital!"

"It's going to help you Aves." Meredith breathed.

"Want to push the elevator button?" Derek asked.

"Yes." Ava adjusted the bow on her head, before leaning over to press the button.

"Ava when we're done today we're going to read a book for school." Meredith breathed, knowing Ava loved her schooling.

"No." Ava shook her head.

"That's your favorite word today, huh?" Derek said, getting onto the elevator.

"No." Ava sighed, putting her finger on his lips.

"Yes." He chuckled.

"Ava So..." Meredith stopped, immediately stopping when the doors to the elevator opened.

"We're here Aves." Derek kissed his daughter's cheek. "Why don't you get down and walk?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No."

"Alright." Derek sighed, following Meredith off of the elevator.

"Ava Shepherd is here for Dr. Robbins." Meredith said to the nurse the desk.

"Hi Ava." The nurse smiled, turning back to Meredith. "Dr. Robbins is waiting for you in the conference room."

"Thanks." Meredith smiled weakly.

"Let's go see Arizona." Derek carried Ava down the hall to the familiar conference room.

"Derek...Meredith...Hi Ava." Arizona smiled as Alex sat down next to her. "Derek Nurse Tina put toys in the corner over there for Ava to play while we speak."

"Oh wow...look Ava."

"Barbies." Ava breathed.

"Go play." He put her down and kissed her head, going back over to the conference room table.

"How is Ava doing this morning?" Alex asked.

"She's...cranky."

"She's been having headaches...she's run a fever the past few days and I just...she doesn't seem to be where she needs to be. As far as ability to do things." Meredith said, knowing that it was possible that Ava was just not feeling well from all of the medication.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Arizona sighed. "But there's no need to be alarmed just yet."

"No?"

"She's been in chemo for quite awhile now. These medicines are very harsh on adults, let alone a small child like Ava."

"We're going to take some blood today as well as do a Lumbar puncture which isn't going to be comfortable for her."

"And that will tell you how the chemo is doing..." Derek breathed.

"It's going to be one of many tests to see if her cancer has spread to her central nervous system." Alex added.

"Oh gosh." He breathed.

"And then we'll do a chest x-ray to make sure the leukemia cells aren't forming a mass in her chest." Arizona added.

"You're going to do all of that today?" Derek asked.

"We are." Arizona replied. "And we'll run a series of tests...then one of you will come with us for the Spinal Tap."

"Mer?" Derek asked, looking over at Meredith who was wringing her hands together.

"I...what about the discomfort she's been having?" Meredith asked. "Is that the confirmation that it has spread?"

"There are a few things that could cause it but let's not assume the worst."

"Right." Meredith nodded, looking back at her little girl.

"Should there be any cancer anywhere else in her body, we'll continue with a more aggressive chemo regimen and then revisit these tests again to see the progress."

"We would also have to determine the progression...if chemo is an option." Alex added.

"Right." Arizona nodded.

"What if it has spread?" Derek breathed.

"We don't have to talk about that right now." Arizona sighed.

"Okay." Derek sighed, looking over at Ava who was playing with her Barbies.

"We'll do what we can." Alex assured them. "But we have to know what the results are first."

"Hmm." He nodded.

"We're going to take her for the blood tests and the x-rays. We'll come get you for the Spinal Tap." Arizona stood up.

"Okay." Meredith stood, walking over to Ava.

"Mommy look." Ava pointed to her favorite Barbie.

"Yes sweetie?"

"Can you play with me?"

"Ava you have to come with me...I have to show you something." Alex reached for Ava's hand. "You're Mom is going to come down later and see you."

"But I love you and I will be waiting until they tell me I can come see you." Meredith ran her hands over Ava's shoulders.

"No..." Ava shook her head, starting to get upset again.

"But Alex and Arizona are going to take good care of you and tonight we can do whatever you want." Meredith bit back the tears.

"Promise?" Ava whispered.

"I promise." Meredith hugged her tight/

"We'll see you later, okay?" Derek hugged Ava and kissed her cheek.

"Come on Ava." Alex smiled, taking the little girl's hand. "I bet I have some treats for you somewhere."

"Okay." Ava breathed.

"We'll come down to get you later." Arizona patted Meredith gently on the back before following Alex and Ava out of the conference room.

"Well..." Meredith lifted the barbie off of the floor.

"Why don't we go get some coffee?" Derek suggested.

"We should wait."

"Okay."

"Derek..." She gasped, turning around and wrapping her arms around her husband.

"Mer." Derek whispered, rubbing her back.

"If they have to stop..."

"We have to be positive."

"I think I need coffee." She murmured.

"My treat." He smiled.

"So now we wait."

"Do you want to go down for her spinal top...or do you want me to do it? I know it's hard for you..." Derek breathed.

"I should be there."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah...I'm her Mommy and I have to...I need to be able to tell her that its okay."

"But if you get upset..."

"I'll be fine."

"Okay." Derek whispered, kissing her forehead. "Coffee."

"Okay." Meredith squeezed his hand before they turned around and walked towards the elevator. She had to be strong because Ava needed her now more than ever and she couldn't have her mother fall apart. They would know soon if Ava's treatments had been working or if it had failed. She had never wanted to be more sick than she wanted to be now. She needed to be strong and she would do that for as long as she needed to.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Two days had passed since Ava had more tests run than Derek could count to find out whether or not the chemotherapy that she had been put through over the past few months had been effective. He and Meredith had been more than tense as they waited to find out what the next steps in Ava's treatment would be. And now that the day had come that they were supposed to find out the results, Derek couldn't stop checking his phone, waiting for a phone call from Alex or Arizona telling them the results. He was trying to stay calm to help keep Meredith and Ava calm too but it was obvious to everyone that something heavy was weighing on their minds.

"Anything yet?" Meredith walked into the bedroom with Ava on her hip. "We have to put her on speaker when she calls."

"Nothing." Derek looked up from the book he was reading.

"I'm going to rock with her...she's sleepy after doing school all morning." Meredith laughed nervously as she walked over to the rocking chair in their bedroom. It had become theres after a few months of staying at his Mom's.

"What did you learn today, Aves?" Derek asked.

"I counted buttons and Mommy read and we planted a flower in a pot." Ava yawned, curling up on her mother's lap.

"Wow. Good job."

"And she ate all of her lunch." Meredith replied.

"Even better." Derek smiled.

"Daddy?"

"Yes pumpkin?"

"I counted sixty buttons..." Ava smiled proudly.

"Sixty? That's a lot." Derek chuckled, walking over and kissing her head.

"Yeah." Ava smiled tiredly.

"You must be very tired."

"Uh huh..."

"Go to sleep, sweet pea."

"Kay." Ava put her head down on Meredith's chest.

"How do you feel?" Derek whispered, sitting in front of Meredith on the edge of their bed.

"Fine. You?"

"Nervous."

"Me too." She admitted.

"Hmm." Derek breathed, looking down at his phone again. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Derek's phone rang and he quickly answered it. "Hello?"

"Derek its Arizona...is Meredith with you?" Arizona said calmly into the phone.

"Yeah...she's right here."

"Put it on speaker." Meredith whispered stroking Ava's back as she slept.

"Okay...you're on speaker." Derek told Arizona.

"Well I want to start with saying that the spinal tap was clean and there isn't any new cancer." Arizona exclaimed on the phone.

"I...that's...good news." He smiled up at Meredith.

"It's great news." They could tell that Arizona was smiling. "Alex wanted to be here but he's in surgery."

"So nothing new is growing?" Meredith felt her hands shake.

"Nothing new is growing."

"Wow." Meredith smiled.

"The tests did not show any active cancer cells in her body." Arizona informed them.

"That's amazing." Meredith smiled.

"So...what now?" Derek asked, a huge grin on his face.

"We're going to do another round of chemo...it will be a regimen of two drugs that should hopefully eliminate the cells. At the moment we're not going to look at a bone marrow transplant as it doesn't seem to be needed.." Arizona explained. "We'll watch her close and hope that nothing grows and that the cells disappear completely but we would call this a successful testing round."

"So...she's in..."

"Remission. Yes." Arizona replied.

"Oh my god." Meredith gasped.

"After this round?" Derek asked, reaching for Meredith's hand.

"When she's completely cancer free which means the cells are gone we'll start the remission date but given where Ava started this is the best news we could hope for."

"That's...thank you Arizona." Derek laughed.

"I want to start the next round of chemo tomorrow. I want to be proactive and she's already been off chemo for a while." Arizona explained.

"And this will be the last round?" Derek asked.

"We will have to monitor her and run some tests but if the tests come back clear after this round, then yes."

"Wow." Meredith kissed Ava's head as she slept, unaware of what was going on. "And what about the fevers and the other symptoms? You're sure that wasn't a sign of more cancer?"

"I'm sure. It's a lingering side effect of the chemotherapy."

"And the occupational therapist will work with her on anything she's struggling with?" Meredith asked.

"Yes." Arizona replied.

"Thank you Arizona." Meredith giggled.

"You're welcome. I'll let you guys enjoy the good news. Call me if you have any questions."

"Thank you Arizona." Meredith couldn't help but grin as she rocked Ava.

"You're welcome." Arizona chuckled. "Bye guys."

"Bye." Derek breathed, hanging up the phone and looking up at Meredith. "Wow."

"Her body is fighting it."

"She's...a strong girl."

"This...this was really good news."

"We did it." Derek whispered. "She did it."

"She did." Meredith beamed.

"It's almost over."

"I...I know it could turn around here but this...I'm a doctor and this is really good news."

"It's great news.:"

"I...wow..." Meredith giggled, tears in her eyes,

"I love you." Derek whispered, leaning over and kissing her softly.

"I love you so much."

"We love you Aves." Derek breathed, sitting with Meredith as they watched their daughter sleep. The day that Ava had been diagnosed with cancer had been hell and he wasn't sure they would get to this day but hearing Arizona say that Ava was in remission was like having the world lifted off of his shoulders. They still had a ways to go and there was always a chance that things would turn in the

wrong direction again but Derek didn't want to think about it. He wanted to cherish this moment with his family and the amazing news they had just received.


	42. Chapter 42

Derek hadn't felt this normal since the day before Ava's diagnosis. And to say it was a good feeling was an understatement. Ava's last chemotherapy had ended a few days ago and now the only thing to do was wait for her final test results. But in the meantime, they had decided it was a good time to begin looking for a home in New York. Their house in Seattle was already on the market so all they had to do was pack the rest of their things up that were left and bring them to New York. The hardest part would be finding a house that he and Meredith completely agreed on.

"This one is nice." Derek clicked on the image of a house on the computer as Meredith sat next to him.

"Ew." Meredith scrunched her nose. "Look at those front steps...Zola is going to fall right down those."

"How many have you turned down so far?" He laughed, going back to the list of homes.

"We need at least five bedrooms."

"Six."

"We need four rooms for our family and a guest room."

"And another room." Derek looked up at Meredith.

"Are we doing the whole baby thing again?"

"I don't know. Are we?"

"We don't know where Ava stands yet."

"I'd rather have the room in case..."

"I...we can do that."

"And if we don't have another baby, it can be a playroom for the girls or a place for Hunter to do school work..."

"But everything aside...no cancer...do we want another baby still?" Meredith asked.

"I do."

"Okay..." She smiled.

"Do you?"

"I do."

"Okay then."

"Okay." She giggled.

"Six bedrooms." Derek smiled.

"Six." Meredith leaned forward, scrolling down on the computer.

"What about that one?" Derek pointed.

"That's nice." Meredith breathed as she looked at the images on the website. "You don't think the master bedroom is too small?"

"It's a little small.

"I...these houses are a little small...older too."

"So none of these."

"Right." Meredith moved to sit on his lap.

"Maybe we should leave this to a realtor." Derek suggested.

"We don't need a realtor."

"Hmm..." He scrolled through the pictures before stopping and clicking on one.

"What about that one?"

"I like this one."

"I like the front porch and it says it was built last year." Meredith read.

"Master suite." Derek grinned.

"I...okay we would have to paint the walls but I love that room."

"Can you imagine having Christmas's in that living room?" Derek pointed to the picture of the living room with the huge fireplace.

"Our kids are going to love that room."

"The yard is huge..."

"We would need a fence."

"That's easy enough."

"I like the kids rooms..."

"They will love them." Derek smiled, flipping through the pictures.

"Yeah."

"What do you think?"

"Can't hurt to email the realtor and set up an appointment to look." Meredith kissed his cheek.

'Okay." He smiled, kissing her back.

"I...if I tell you something you won't judge me or laugh or look at me like I'm a normal mom or something?"

"I promise."

"I'm scared that if we get happy and relaxed...we'll go into the tests next week and find that the treatment didn't work and that the cancer cells became active." Meredith whispered.

"I'm scared of that too." Derek took Meredith's hand. "But if that happens...we'll handle it. We've gotten this far."

"She's thrown up every day since this round of chemo started.:"

"Arizona said that was normal."

"It could mean there is cancer in her stomach." Meredith breathed.

"Do you want to wait...on the house?" Derek asked, rubbing her back.

"Let's wait on the trying to get pregnant...she wants the house and it might be good."

"Okay."

"When we're settled and she's in remission...we can look at the other thing...the baby thing."

"Okay." Derek smiled, kissing her cheek.

"Besides what if Ava doesn't want another baby around?"

"I doubt that given how much she talks about." Derek chuckled.

"I just want to get her into remission."

"I know."

"I miss her blonde hair."

"It'll be back."

"You know...Arizona sat me down at her last treatment." Meredith explained. "The day you had that surgery with that older man. She wanted to talk to me about her future."

"And?" Derek asked.

"The chemo can cause delays with Ava and she isnt' showing any signs of delay but she thinks the homeschooling will be good for Ava...for at least another year while we build up her immune system." Meredith explained. "It's a suggestion but she could go to school."

"Hmm...I think we should ask Ava."

"Derek what if she get sick...what if she relapses..."

"You're freaking out."

"I'm not."

"You are a little bit."

"Sorry..." Meredith took a deep breath.

"It's okay." He kissed her cheek.

"But despite everything...she's a happy girl."

"She is...thanks to you."

"And you." She smiled, kissing him softly before closing the computer.

"You're an amazing mother." Derek breathed, kissing her back.

"Come on." Meredith stood.

"Where are we going?"

"Adult nap time." She giggled, her nose scrunching as she leaned back on the bed. "I'm tired."

""What do you mean by adult nap time?" Derek smirked.

"No sex...because...well that's not important but our hands are free to wander..."

"I see." He laughed, climbing onto the bed.

"I love the kids but I have to say...the whole quiet time is rare." She laughed.

"You say that now but you'll miss them when they're all in school."

"Who would have thought Meredith Grey would home school her child for a few months and like it?"

"I believed in you." He whispered, kissing her cheek.

"And now I don't want to share her."

"You have to."

"I can tutor her between surgeries."

"Have you thought about going back to work?" Derek asked, running his fingers though her long hair.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"No."

"Hmm."

"I don't know what that means."

"Whatever makes you happy."

"I don't know what I want."

"You have time to figure it out." Derek whispered.

"But if I was pregnant sooner than later." Meredith grinned. "Then maybe I would stay and home schooll her next year and go back to work in the hospital some how."

"This is why I fell in love with you." Derek laughed.

"I don't want her to get sick within the two year fram and kids have germs."

"Relax." He breathed. "Here...sit in front of me."

"I just..."

"Shh."

"Fine." Meredith sighed, sitting in front of him.

"Just relax." Derek breathed, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"What if she's at school and her teacher don't notice symptoms that we would?"

"I can't answer that."

"I know it's January and we have time until next school year but I just...if we want to have another baby and wait with the whole remission thing...that puts me out of work for a while...I don't want her to get sick."

"I don't either. But that's out of our control, Mer. We can't keep her in the house for her whole life because we're scared."

"And I thought in bed last night what if we got pregnant within the next six months then we could home school her next year and have the baby but then I thought, what if she relapses and then I'm this selfish mom neglecting her sick child and her new baby?" Meredith rambled.

"Meredith." Derek chuckled.

"And I'm not getting any younger and we were trying for a while before we adopted Zola and what if we can't even conceive again? What if Ava and Hunter were lucky tries?"

"Stop."

"What?"

"You're freaking out again."

"No...these are legitimate concerns." Meredith argued.

"But we don't have any control over it." Derek whispered, rubbing her shoulders. "It's life."

"But the baby thing...we've put the conversation off since she got sick but it keeps coming up."

"And the only way to tell if we can have one is to try."

"When do we try?"

"Whenever you want."

"It's what we want...and we have to think about what is best for our other three kids."

"Do you want to have another baby?" Derek asked.

"I do...I thought the feeling would have gone away by now...with the whole cancer thing..."

"But?"

"I'm some screwed up Mom who wants to have another baby."

"If you're some screwed up mom then I'm some screwed up dad."

"You want a baby?"

"I do. I really do."

"Really?" She smiled.

"Really."

"If my Mom were alive she would shoot me dead."

"It's not about your Mom. It's about you."

"Is this...will it be okay for the kids?"

"I think so."

"And we're going to go on as if everything is okay? Not put the kids lives on hold..."

"I don't think we have a choice." Derek told her.

"And if her tests come back clean?"

"Then we have a healthy, happy family."

"And we start trying."

"Okay."

"More baby smell."

"I love that smell."

"And my body will be all...pregnant." She giggled.

"I love that too." Derek smiled.

"I love you." She whispered.

"I love you."

"So..." She smirked, kissing him softly.

"What?"

"I'm loving you."

"Oh...okay." Derek grinned, kissing her back.

"So let me love you."

"Okay."

"Will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly after baby number four?"

"Not going to happen but yes."

"Okay good." Meredith breathed, resting her head on Derek's chest.

"Hmm...you know...we're kind of lame old married people now." Derek chuckled.

"Only because we haven't had sex since before this round of chemo started."

"Well...we can fix that." He rolled on top of her.

"Ohh..." She giggled.

"Not so boring anymore." Derek laughed, moving his lips to her neck. They hadn't been this happy and this relaxed since before Ava got sick and even though Meredith still worried and ramble, that was the way she had always been and the way he knew she would always be and it was one of the reasons that made him love her so much. They were comforted knowing that both of their daughters were safely sleeping in their own beds while their son was at school and that soon they would be preparing for another baby that would completely their family.


	43. Chapter 43

"Ava...I think I see some hair baby girl." Meredith smiled proudly before putting the knit cap on her little girl's head. Ava had been off chemo for two months and while Alex and Arizona had run some tests, they had their reasons for waiting to make sure everything was out of Ava's system before declaring remission. They had done the tests two days ago and they would be hearing any day whether or not their little girl had beat cancer. The next two years they would probably be terrified if she was in remission because it could come back but she and Derek had decided that they would only face that if it happened. They weren't going to instill the fear of cancer in their little girl or themselves. They wanted Ava to be a happy and healthy little girl and that meant letting her live life to the fullest. They knew she couldn't do that if she had the idea that the cancer could come back in the back of her head. Their sweet girl would already deal with more doctors appointments for the rest of her life than most people so they wanted her to be as normal as possible.

As Zola crawled around and Hunter played on his gaming system, Ava sat in front of her bouncing around. Amelia and his mother were watching a special on the television and Derek was right next to her. Today was sort of perfect. "Derek look...hair."

"I see." Derek grinned, looking at the blonde hairs that he could see starting to regrow on Ava's head. It seemed like so long ago that he had stood in the kitchen and shaved off her hair.

"I got a little hair." Ava giggled, leaning into Meredith's lap.

"You do." Derek smiled, kissing his daughter's cheek.

"Soon, it will be just as long as it was before." Amelia smiled at her niece.

"Da!" They heard Zola babble from the floor, her hand on the tv stand doors.

"Zo...be careful." Derek breathed.

"I've got her." Amelia jumped up as his mother sewed a tutu together for Ava.

"Derek you and Meredith are going to have your hands full at the new house." His mother laughed.

"We'll be fine." Derek laughed, standing up and taking Zola from Amelia. "What were you doing, silly girl?"

"I think she's trying to walk." Hunter looked up.

"Are you trying to walk baby girl?" Meredith giggled as she bounced Ava on her lap. "You might be right little man."

"Mom..." Hunter groaned.

"What?"

"Don't call me that anymore."

"I...oh my god. You're too cool for that now aren't you?" Meredith frowned.

"I'm not little." Hunter shrugged.

"He's a big guy now." Derek laughed.

"Oh well allow me to apologize." Meredith rolled her eyes. "Shall I call you Hunter the Stinky Butt now?"

"Gross Mom." Hunter laughed.

"Next thing you know, he won't want to be seen with you." Amelia joked. "I remember when Derek went through that phase."

"I do too." Mrs. Shepherd laughed.

"If you were the only boy in a family of girls and had to walk around with them all the time, you would have done the same thing." Derek defended himself.

"Poor Derek." Meredith giggled.

"I know how it feels, bud." Derek patted his son on the back.

"I want another girl in our family...then it will almost be like Daddy's family." Ava sighed.

"We'll see about that." Derek glanced at Meredith.

"And Hunter can be our super hero!" Ava exclaimed and Zola clapped.

"Thank you Ava." Hunter laughed.

"Welcome." Ava giggled, before running over to her grandma.

"Hello there sweetheart." Mrs. Shepherd picked up Ava. "Oh boy...you're getting big."

"Alex said I gained ten pounds." Ava held up both hands proudly.

"Now if we can just get you out of 4T clothing." Meredith giggled.

"Then we can go shopping." Amelia smiled.

"Oh great." Derek groaned.

"Oh you know you don't care." Meredith kissed him softly.

"You're right." He laughed, stopping when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

"You're not on call." Meredith frowned.

"I'll be right back." Derek stepped onto the back porch to answer the phone. "Hello?"

"Derek it's Dr. Ro...Arizona and Alex." He heard a woman's soft voice speak into the phone. "I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time."

"No...we're just...hanging out." He breathed, taking a seat on the porch swing.

"We just finished looking over her latest scans and the bloodwork we had been waiting to take."

"Oh..."

"I...you're a doctor so I'm just going to say it..."

"Oh god." Derek breathed, his stomach clenching as he prepared to hear Arizona tell him that Ava's cancer was not in remission.

"Derek...Ava's cancer is gone."

"What?"

"She's in remission."

"You're...really?" Derek managed to get out, feeling tears forming in his eyes.

"It's gone Derek." Arizona was definitely smiling as she spoke. He could tell. "I'll need to see her every month for the next year and we'll take blood every two months for the next two years then we'll swich hopefully put longer distance between those times."

"Thank you Arizona...I...thank you." He cried.

"I'll need to see her to remove the ports from her chest." Arizona replied. "It's a brief surgery but we will schedule that another day."

"Right...okay."

"But we'll deal with that Monday morning...for now enjoy your healthy little girl."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome...bye Derek."

"Bye." He hung up the phone and put it back in his pocket as Meredith walked out onto the porch.

"Who was that?"

"Arizona."

"Oh. Okay."

"She um...she had the results." He looked up at her with tears in his eyes.

"Oh." Meredith swallowed, tears forming in her own eyes very quickly.

"Mer..."

"Just tell me."

"She's...it's gone."

"What?"

"She's in remission." Derek said, laughing and crying at the same time.

"She is?" Meredith grinned.

"Yeah."

"Oh my god." Meredith gasped, rushing up to him.

"I...she's okay." Derek pulled her into his arms.

"Oh my god." She kissed him hard. wrapping her arms around his neck.

"We did it. She did it."

"She did."

"She um...she has to have her port taken out but...we're...that's it."

"Wow."

"We have to tell her."

"We...she deserves to know right away."

"I'll get her." He wiped the tears from his face and walked back into the house. "Aves...can you come here for a second?"

"Coming Daddy!" Their little girl yelled as Derek stepped back outside.

"Come here...on my lap." He sat back down on the bench next to Meredith.

"Kay." Ava hopped right onto his lap.

"Do you want to tell her?" Derek asked Meredith.

"Yeah." Meredith nodded, shifting to face her daughter as she took her small hands in hers. "Ava...I have something exciting to tell you."

"What?" Ava bounced.

"Arizona called and she said..." Meredith wiped at her eyes, keeping composed for her little girl. "Your cancer left. It's not making you sick anymore."

"Where did it go?" Ava asked.

"It's gone."

"I'm not sick anymore?"

"No. You're not sick anymore." Derek answered.

"No more cancer Aves." Meredith felt the tears in her eyes so she quickly kissed Ava's forehead. "I'm so proud of you."

"Yay!" Ava clapped.

"You did such a good job." Meredith whispered.

"No more medicine!"

"And Arizona and Alex are going to do one last surgery to take out all of your lines and the silly port that you hate." Meredith scrunched her nose as she lifted Ava into her lap.

"Yay!"

"Yay is right." Derek laughed, kissing Ava's head. "We love you, pumpkin."

"We love you so much." Meredith whispered.

"I love you." Ava giggled.

"Do you want to go tell Grandma and everyone else the good news?" Derek laughed.

"Yeah!" Ava clapped.

"Go ahead. We're coming."

"Slow down..." Meredith called after Ava who took off into the house.

"Come on." Derek breathed, taking Meredith's hand.

"I hear everybody jumping around."

"Grandma!" Ava shouted

"Yes Ava?"

"Guess what?"

"What dear?" His mother asked, bouncing Zola on her lap.

"I'm not sick anymore!" Ava clapped.

"What do you mean?" Amelia asked, looking up at Meredith and Derek.

"Arizona just called." Derek grinned.

"Oh wow." His mother stood, putting Zola on her hip as Hunter and Amelia began to jump around.

"Yeah!" Hunter Jumped.

"I'm better!" Ava shouted, jumping up and down.

"Ava that's wonderful!" His mother exclaimed, tears coming to her eyes.

"I knew you could do it." Amelia grinned, picking her niece up.

"She'll have her port out in a few days." Derek told them before hugging his mother.

"This is amazing." Amelia hugged Meredith as Hunter and Ava jumped around.

"Thank you for all of your help Mom." Derek whispered.

"Dear it was nothing...I just wanted your sweet girl healthy again."

"She is." He chuckled.

"Ava...what do you want for dinner and dessert?" Mrs. Shepherd asked quickly.

"Chocolate cake! And pizza!"

"Well then I better go get started...Amelia would you mind going to the downstairs pantry and grabbing me some preserved tomatoes?"

"Well then I better go get started...Amelia would you mind going to the downstairs pantry and grabbing me some preserved tomatoes?"

"I'll be in the kitchen...any children that want to help make the pizzas need to be in there in ten minutes." His mother laughed, kissing Ava's cheek.

"Let's go help!" Hunter jumped, grabbing his sister's hand.

"Be good you two." Derek laughed, wrapping his arms around Meredith as their kids jumped and down, celebrating the good news. When the phone had rang and he had heard Arizona's voice, he was sure it would be bad news. He hadn't admitted it but the last few days had worn down his nerves and he didn't want to get his hopes up in case the test results were bad. But Derek couldn't have been happier. They were a normal family again, with three healthy children, and even though Ava would have to visit the doctor on a regular basis, they had gotten through the hard part. Ava was in remission and for the first time in a long time, they all had something to celebrate.


End file.
